


Mad Love Series Part VI: Watch Me Burn

by kelztastic90



Series: Mad Love Series [6]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman (Movies - Nolan), Harley Quinn (Comics)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2014-10-09
Packaged: 2018-02-20 13:44:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 52,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2431001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelztastic90/pseuds/kelztastic90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Joker and Harley start their new life in Italy, but as always, nothing is ever as it seems. The looming birth of their child and a personal situation that hits close to home rocks their world and causes their lives to change forever. Continuation from Light this Fuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Mad Love Series, Part VI: Watch Me Burn

I lost you somewhere along the way  
I don’t know or where, but you’re gone   
Maybe you were never mine to begin with  
But you used and abused me and now I’m alone  
You changed my world, changed me for the better  
But I guess I was mistaken, you never really loved me at all  
That fire that once stoked our love has burned out  
And you’re going to do nothing at all to save me  
No you never really cared  
You’re going to watch me burn   
And see me lose all control  
Believe me when I say  
Go fuck yourself and I’ll just walk away  
I’ll let you go someday but that day isn’t today  
Break my heart and stomp on it all you want  
But I’m never going to let you in again  
You never knew my heart and I guess I never knew yours  
Because all you’ve ever done is hurt me  
Without even knowing it, you’ve broken me down  
But you’ll never see that  
You will move on with your life and I’ll move on with mine  
You’ll experience joy and I’ll experience pain  
Nothing I can do will ever bring you back  
Nothing at all   
And that’s what hurts the most   
I can scream, I can beg, but you’ll never come back  
And I’m not going to want you to  
Maybe someday I’ll see you again  
Maybe someday I’ll feel alright  
I think that you’ll come crawling back  
And then, oh and then  
I can just watch you burn.   
Chapter 1: Watch Me Burn

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie  
\- “Love the Way You Lie”, Eminem feat. Rihanna 

I’m not sure what I thought in that split second, what I thought I was going to do, but I stood up without even thinking and starting stalking towards their table. I didn’t even hear the Joker behind me, urging me to stop. I was a woman on a mission, driven by my unrelenting fury.   
Selina saw me first. Her eyes widened and her mouth went slack-jawed. I could she was trying to think of something to say before I could cuss those bitches out. Bruce, seeing Selina’s shock, turned to see what was going on, and he had the exact same reaction. I mean, maybe they were more shocked by my huge belly but I’m going to keep thinking it was because I had the look of Satan on my face.  
I stopped in front of the table, putting on the sweetest yet most menacing smile I could muster, “Bon giorno, you worthless pieces of shit.”  
Nailed it.  
“Harley, what the hell are you doing in Venice?” Bruce made the first attempt.  
I was prepared for that with a snide retort, “I could ask you the very same.”  
I felt the Joker’s touch on my arm, and I tried to shove him away.  
“Harley, the baby…” he said quietly.  
“The baby is going to find out sooner or later who its enemies are.” I said, not taking my eyes away from Selina or Bruce.  
Bruce looked taken aback, “Is that…?”  
“Yes, he is. He’s so damn attractive, huh? We’re going to have a real adorable family, just like you three. I’m so glad to see Edward reunited with his dear daddy.” I think that my voice was so full of venom it could have passed for a snake. I know, I know, it’s not my strongest metaphor, just go with it.  
“Please don’t do this here.” Selina pleaded, “I really don’t want the attention of these people…”  
“Where else would you like me to do this?” I snapped, “I think the two of you are going to have to shut the fuck up before I lose my goddamn mind. How could you do this to Pam? How DARE you do this to Pam!”  
“Harley, if you’d let us explain…” Selina interjected.  
“No!” I snapped, “You don’t get to explain anything. I knew it. I knew it when I saw you a few months ago that this was going to happen! I saw that look on your face when we talked about Bruce and I knew that you were going to do this!”  
“Yeah, it was really nice of you to tell me about how you saw them in Wyoming…” Bruce muttered.  
“I’m not talking to you.” I said, holding my finger up, not even looking him the eye, “You don’t even want to get me started, bro.”  
“Bro?” I think that part left him more stunned than anything else I was saying. Hey, I can be street if I want to…yes, by saying that, I negate that I am ‘street’. Shut up. I also need to kick this problem of talking to no one. I’m a strange cookie.  
The Joker pulled my arm, “People are staring, babe.”  
“I don’t care!” I shoved his arm away, “I’m not leaving until I get an explanation!”  
“You are rather pregnant, Harley.” Selina pointed out.  
“UM YEAH I THINK I KNOW THAT.” I gestured wildly toward my stomach, “What gave it away? My huge-ass stomach?!”  
“Listen, Harley, we’re all a little emotional and upset. How about we meet up another time and talk about this?” Bruce suggested.  
“I think that’s an excellent plan.” The Joker nodded vehemently, steering me away from the table, “Let’s go eat somewhere else.”  
I fought against him, “Get your hands off of me! I want to know right now!”  
“You’re getting too worked up to listen to reason.” He stopped, and put his hands on my face, making me look directly into his eyes, “You need to stop freaking out. Stop it. We will get this resolved, but you are under too much stress to deal with this. Let’s go somewhere else. Please.”  
I exhaled deeply, feeling my nerves calming, “Alright.”  
He looked relieved, “Thank you.” He walked back over to the table where the two traitorous disgusting human beings were located and he said something to them. I saw Selina hand him a piece of paper and he walked back over to me, “Let’s go, babe.”  
I took his arm and we left the restaurant, “What did she give you?”  
“The number for their hotel and room number so that we can meet up with them another day. They said they’ll be here for another week or two.”   
“Dicks.” I muttered.  
“Harleen…”   
I cringed. I hated when he used my full name, “Alright, I know I over-reacted a little bit.”  
“That’s accurate.”  
I glared at him, “Let’s just get some lunch. I’m fucking starving and it doesn’t help that the fetus is kicking like a mother right now.”  
“It is?!” he touched my stomach, “Oh, I feel you, little person!”  
“Ugh you’re going to make me puke up my breakfast.” I shooed his hands away, “I want some god damn pasta or I will straight up punch someone in the face.”  
“Ok, ok,” Mr. J and I walked a couple blocks to another local place that we’d been to a couple times and we sat down within a few minutes. He ordered a glass of cabernet sauvignon and I ordered some water and we put in our food order with the waiter.   
Once he had scuttled away, I said, “I just still can’t believe this. First of all, they run away from everything they’ve established, Bruce with his company and being Batman and all that shit, and two, Selina totally abandoned Pam and took their baby away. Pam was so happy being a mother. You don’t even understand, babe…like, I literally want to cry thinking about how she feels right now. It makes me just so upset, thinking about my best friend suffering like that.”  
“Pam is a strong person.” He interjected.  
“Yes, of course she is, but that’s not the point. I know her better than anyone else in the world, and she’s gotta be devastated. I mean, she may have loved Selina, but she adored Edward and wanted to be his mother. I know that she was always a little skeptical about the whole thing, but how could Selina just leave her flat? I should have known when I visited them. I should have known.” I shook my head, “I was just so wrapped up in myself and my own problems and didn’t even think about Pam. I’m a terrible, terrible friend.”  
He put his hand on mine, “You know that is the furthest thing from the truth.”   
“No, it isn’t, really. I went there to tell Pam that I was keeping the baby and she was so happy for me that she disregarded what happened between me and Selina that weekend. I hope I wasn’t the catalyst for all of this. I would feel so incredibly guilty if that was the case.”  
“I’m sure you didn’t cause any of this. Harley, this whole relationship was doomed from the start. Selina isn’t a lesbian and she isn’t in love with Pam, clearly. She was always in love with Bruce and obviously he was always in love with her in some way, otherwise she wouldn’t have kept that baby. You know that deep down. I know you don’t want to think about Bruce cheating on you with her, but at the same time, you still had feelings for me while you were with Bruce.”  
“I don’t deny any of that.” I retorted, “I never said that I didn’t have feelings for you. I mean, the feelings were very complicated, but nonetheless they were still there. I think I was blinded by Bruce betraying me like that with someone that my friend trusted so much. I always thought Pam was stupid for trusting Selina because obviously she’s a huge whore.”  
“That’s your anger talking.” He said calmly as the waiter brought our food; his dish an eggplant parmesan and mine a dish of fettuccini alfredo, my favorite.  
“I hate when you’re right.” I said irritably.  
“Are you feeling any better now that you’ve talked about this?” he asked.  
“Yeah, a little actually,” I admitted, “I think I’ll feel better once I sit down with Bruce and Selina and find out why they did this. I know that they must really love each other to run away like this and I’m sure there had to be no other way, but I just don’t understand how they are dealing with hurting Pam so profoundly. When we get home, I need to call her.”  
“Of course,” he said reassuringly, “I’m sure she wants to hear from you.”  
“We’re going to have to go back to the US, of course.” I said, digging into my pasta.  
Mr. J looked up, “Um…no, we’re not.”  
“Well, yeah, we have to check on Pam.”  
“You can do that on the phone, babe. Plus, you can’t even fly right now. You’re in your third trimester. Once you have the baby and recover, we can discuss it. For now, you’re just going to have to talk to her on the phone or on Skype or whatever and try to make her feel better about the situation. I mean, for all you know, she might have taken a vacation herself to escape from her troubles.”  
“I hope so.” I moped, staring down at my food.  
As we walked home from the restaurant, I felt a stab in my heart thinking about the situation. I wanted to talk to her so badly, to figure out what happened. I guess my premonition about someone being unhappy was right; I just hoped it wouldn’t be Pam caught up in it. I touched my stomach instinctively, thinking about my own happiness and how it always seemed to come at a cost for others. I didn’t want to tell the Joker, but the sex of our baby wasn’t that big of a secret. I had felt all along that I was having a girl, but I didn’t want to tell him that yet and obviously I wasn’t 100 percent sure, but it was an intuition I had and that I hoped was right. I wanted a baby girl more than anything. I guess we were just going to have to find out in a little more than a month.  
We walked back into the house, putting our keys down on the table. I went to the phone immediately, and the Joker rolled his eyes, “I’ll make myself scarce until you’re done talking.”  
“That would be a good choice.”   
As he exited, I dialed Pam’s cell number. It rang and rang and went to voicemail, and I launched into my little planned speech, “Hey, Pam, it’s me. I wanted to tell you that I ran into Bruce and Selina today…so…you might want to call me back and tell me what the hell is going on. I love you and I hope you’re ok. Bye.”  
I found Mr. J sitting in the living room, reading the newspaper. He looked up expectantly and I said, “She didn’t answer.”  
“Well, I’m sure she’ll call you back soon.” He went back to his newspaper.   
I collapsed onto the couch next to him, “I’m so worried about her.”  
“It’s going to be just fine.” He rubbed my shoulder, “We’re going to figure this all out and everyone will turn out ok in the end.”  
I made an incoherent grumble and leaned my head back against the couch, “I’m going to take a nap, ok?”  
“Take all the naps you want, mother of my unborn child.”   
“Ok, now I will seriously throw up.” I stood up, “I’ll be in the bedroom. Let me know if Pam calls.”  
“Will do.”   
I trudged up the stairs to the bedroom, laying on the bed and staring at the phone, trying to will it to ring. I looked at the clock. It was only 9 PM in the US. No reason for her not to answer. I thought about calling her again but then realized I would sound like such a psycho, and maybe she just wanted to be alone right now to deal with her issues.   
Pam didn’t call me the rest of the day, but the phone did ring around dinner time and it was Selina. I made the Joker talk to her because I was still too mad at them. He agreed that we would meet with them tomorrow at their hotel for coffee and talk about everything. I guess I was satisfied with that information, but I still wasn’t happy about it by any means.   
I just had a distinct feeling that all of this was far from over.


	2. Ash and Dust

Chapter 2: Ash and Dust

I’m waking up to ash and dust  
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust  
I’m breathing in the chemicals  
I’m breaking in, I’m shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus  
This is it, the apocalypse  
\- “Radioactive”, Imagine Dragons   
I waited in the hotel lobby, anxiously tugging at my long pearl necklace I was wearing that day. The Joker had stayed at home because I didn’t want Bruce and Selina thinking that they couldn’t be honest with me because he was there. Plus, he just didn’t even want to be there at all, which I don’t blame him for. Every time the elevator doors would ding, I would jerk my head toward them and after about 10 times of this I was starting to get whiplash so I gave up. I got my fair share of weird looks from the tourists who were coming out of the elevators so I felt like such a dork.   
Finally, I saw two familiar faces walking in my direction. I stood up, and saw Selina and Bruce, their arms linked together, Edward in Selina’s arms. Selina was wearing a sleek black dress that showed off her curves and Bruce was in a sharp Armani suit, as was his usual choice. They looked like they just belonged there, like…almost like they belonged together, as strange as that sounds coming from me.   
“I thought you guys were going to stand me up.” I remarked.  
“No, this was too important.” Bruce said, “We didn’t want you getting the wrong idea about all of this. I know it’s a lot to take in, but we’ll explain everything.”   
“Alright,” I said skeptically.  
“There’s a little coffee place a few doors down from the hotel if that’s ok.” Selina suggested.  
“Yeah, I’ll just get a smoothie or something.” I felt so incredibly awkward being around them, considering what had happened the day before.  
We went to the coffee house, Il Café Amore – how fitting – and we ordered our drinks, making ourselves comfortable on the small armchairs. I smiled down at Edward, “He gets bigger and more handsome every time I see him.”  
“Just like his dad.” Selina touched Bruce’s arm gently.  
Bruce put Edward on his knee, “You can’t even imagine how amazing it is to be with him all the time.”  
“Yes, I guess it would be.” I had to actively force a smile to my lips. No matter how much time had passed between us, it still hurt me to see him with that baby. I couldn’t really figure out why, but it was still extremely painful.   
“So, how is your pregnancy?” Selina inquired, “You look very healthy and surprisingly thin for almost 8 months.”  
“Well, thanks, but I eat like a disgusting slob.” I rolled my eyes, “All this Italian food is so delicious I can’t stop eating. And this thing is a tapeworm.”  
“Thing? You mean you don’t know what the sex is yet?” she raised an eyebrow, “I found out as soon as I could! It must be killing you!”  
“Honestly I have a gut feeling about what it is, but I would prefer it be a surprise to everyone. I’m fine otherwise. I just sleep more and try not to cry at everything because my hormones are so out of whack.” I shrugged, “But, let’s get to the point of the conversation.”  
“Right,” Selina said hesitantly, “Bruce, would you care to start the conversation?”  
“Not particularly, but I will.” He sighed audibly, “See, here’s the thing. Obviously, you know Selina and I had a relationship.”  
“You don’t say?” I feigned shock.  
“Ok, I don’t need sarcastic comments, please.” Bruce stared at me with a dead-pan expression, “You don’t know how to listen.”  
“I’m here to listen.”   
“Alright,” he cleared his throat, “And as you can see, this relationship resulted in my son. When Selina told me she got pregnant, I wanted to stay with her and raise my son with her. I didn’t know if we would last or not, but I wanted to at least have a decent relationship with the woman who was having my child, you know? When I told her all of this, she bolted. She was having some kind of thing with Pam at the time and –”  
“It was not a thing.” Selina interjected, “I did care deeply about Pam, Harley. I was experimenting; I had always been a little curious about dating women, so we just kind of had a fuck buddy situation until I realized that Pam actually really had feelings for me. I thought about breaking it off, but Pam was so excited when I got pregnant and at that point I just had a lot of thinking to do. Bruce’s situation was so much more complicated; he’s a public figure and having an illegitimate child with a known jewel thief was not going to be pleasant as far as the media goes.”  
“Which I didn’t care about, I would like to add.” Bruce said.  
“I know.” Selina closed her eyes for a moment and exhaled, collecting her thoughts, “Pam was so good to me, and she really cared about me.”  
“She loved you.” I corrected snidely.  
Selina glared at me, “I’m well aware of that. I know I’m a terrible person, Harley, don’t make me feel any worse, alright? I know how much Pam loved me and I betrayed her trust. I just thought I would be better off leaving Bruce and being with Pam, who would care for the baby like it was her own. So anyway after I told her I was pregnant and the whole baby-daddy dilemma, she suggested that we just get married and make it off like Bruce was just the sperm donor or something. I agreed to that idea. After I told Bruce that I was staying with Pam and that we had agreed to get married, he freaked out.”  
“I don’t think I freaked out…”  
“You freaked out.” She said matter-of-factly, “So, out of all honesty, I married Pam because it was the easier choice. She didn’t enter this marriage without knowing that a little bit, at least. If she didn’t know that I wasn’t in love with her, then I feel even worse.”  
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing come out of her mouth. I felt like everything I had known about them was shattered. I mean, I never thought Selina was much in love with Pam as she was with her; I wasn’t that naïve. Pam had even admitted that to me before in confidence, but I always thought she was being paranoid. I guess not.   
When she saw that I was visibly rattled by the information, she added quickly, “I never meant to hurt Pam. You have to know that.”  
“Well, you did.” I said curtly.  
Selina and Bruce fell very silent.   
I broke the tension, “I think you guys have a lot on your minds about it, I’m sure, and I don’t want to add to how you feel. I just want you to really comprehend what you’ve done. You have probably devastated her. So, when did it come about that you were going to flee to Italy?”  
“I’ll answer that.” Bruce jumped in, “After the whole incident at the docks – which I want to apologize for, by the way – I’d snapped. I’d lost all control of my morality at that point because I was just so desperate to know what had happened to Selina and my son. A few days after you and the Joker got out of my life, Selina showed up at my door with Edward in tow. I was completely shocked and relieved at the same time. We sat down and decided that it was time to stop pretending that we didn’t love each other and there was really nothing keeping us in Gotham, so we thought that Italy sounded like a good idea. It had always been my intentions to retire to Italy.”  
“Guess we were on the same wavelength on that one.” I said without any mirth. I remember Bruce talking about going to Italy before when we were still clinging to that desperate hope that we would make it through all of our issues (in retrospect, HA HA HA). I was never going to go with him. I know that now and I don’t regret it for a second. It made me sick thinking about having his child…or was it because I was pregnant…I seriously don’t know anymore.  
“The J – I mean, he looks good.” Selina smiled, “He looks really healthy and happy.”  
“Yeah, he really does. The move changed him. Not totally, but it changed him for the better, for sure. Plus, he’s so excited about the baby. He will not shut up about it ever.”   
“So typical Harley to say that,” Bruce laughed, “To be so nonchalant about having a baby.”  
“It’s a pain in my ass. And a pain in my back, my neck, and whole body, really,” I looked at Selina, “You should have warned me.”  
“It affects everyone differently!” Selina said defensively, “You know how miserable I was at the end of my pregnancy. I got evil.”  
“I’m already evil so I’ve got that covered. I just feel sick all the damn time. This damn thing is going to be the meanest teenager. I can already feel it.” I pointed at my stomach and said, “You’d better at least get into Harvard or something!”  
Selina laughed whole-heartedly and said, “I hope Edward and your boy or girl can go there together!”  
I glanced over at Bruce who was sitting there with Edward, looking at me with a really strange glint in his eyes, almost like he was in pain too hearing me talk about my child. I don’t know if he actually clung to the hope that I would be with him someday, but maybe I was just flattering myself. All I know is that he just looked so completely downtrodden. I couldn’t tell if Selina noticed or not, but I saw it.   
“No, he’ll go to Princeton, just like his dad.” I turned the attention to Bruce.  
He smiled down at his son, “Well, he can do whatever he wants to do. I have all the money in the world to make that happen.”   
Edward gurgled happily and reached his arms toward Selina, who took him from Bruce, “He’s probably hungry.” She dug around in her black diaper bag and got a bottle, and Edward sucked at it, “Ah, see, I knew it.”  
“You’re a much better mother than I would have guessed.” I said, without intending to mean it that way.   
She wasn’t offended, though, “Yeah, I feel the same way sometimes. You just get used to it after a while, honestly. That’s my advice. Be patient. You will figure out what to do as it comes along and try not to get frustrated if things aren’t working the way you want them to.”  
“That’s actually really good advice, thanks.”   
“I don’t totally suck, hooray!” Selina said sarcastically, “But yeah, that’s the best advice I could possibly give you about being a mother. It’s really challenging at times, but you will love it. I promise. I mean, obviously I feel awful because Pam really wanted this child, too…she loved Edward so much and I’m sure me taking Edward was harder than me leaving her. I don’t know what else to say other than that I feel like the worst person in the world, but I was never in love with her. I mean…like, I like men.”  
“I can see that.” I raised an eyebrow.   
“I’m glad she does.” Bruce added.  
“But doesn’t it feel weird that she was with a girl?” I asked.   
“I like to pretend that wasn’t going on.” He closed his eyes and shuddered a little, “We’re going to eliminate that from the stories we tell Edward when he’s growing up.”  
“We are?” Selina faced him, “That doesn’t seem right.”  
“Um, I don’t think we need to tell our child that you were a lesbian once.”   
“See I think that we should because then he will be more open to other lifestyles. What if Edward is gay? I think if we tell him when he’s young, he won’t feel so weird if that’s the case.” Selina stroked Edward’s head, “He is my child too, you know.”  
“I guess that’s something we’ll figure out as we go along, like you said before.” Bruce said through clenched teeth, “I don’t want to talk about this in front of her.”  
“Harley already knows everything. Who gives a fuck?” Selina snapped.  
“Um…should I leave?” I felt so uncomfortable at that moment.  
“No.” they said in unison.  
“Ok, but I mean, I feel like I got some closure on the issue at hand, and I feel super awkward right now, so I think I should just go.” I stood up, gathering my bags.   
“Alright…” Selina said, standing up too. She handed Edward to Bruce, “Let me walk you out.”  
“Ok.”   
We walked out through the front door to the café and onto the street.   
Selina leaned against the awning, “I’m sorry you had to see that.”  
“It’s fine. Me and Mr. J fight all the time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” I assured her.  
“I just hope that you’re not as angry with me as you were yesterday.”   
“I’m not.” It was the truth. I was still upset for how Pam was feeling, but at least now I knew the reasoning behind everything and I wasn’t going to argue with people who were in love and had a child together. It didn’t make sense to do so, at least in my mind. I would hate to have to explain my relationship with the Joker to other people and have to justify it. I had to step back after really thinking about and put myself in their situation. Needless to say I was still pretty angry about the way they handled it, but the sentiment behind it was honest and I had to accept that at face value.  
“Thank you.” she said sincerely, and looked around her swiftly. She dug in her purse and pulled out a cigarette, “I’m going to smoke this, so you should probably go. I don’t want your child to experience second-hand smoke in the womb.”   
“When did you start smoking again?” I knew she did before, but Pam made her quit when she was pregnant.  
“After I got back with Bruce, to tell you the truth,” she said softly, “I love him, but I’m stressed.”  
“I understand. You have a lot going on right now. You’re allowed to have some vices, but I hope you just don’t do that around Edward.”  
“Of course not!” she exclaimed, “I would never do that!”  
“Then that’s fine. I just hope you quit again soon because you know what that can do to you…”  
“I do. Sometimes it’s just worth the risk.”  
“Alright, well, I’m going home. How long are you guys staying here?”   
“I don’t know, maybe another week or so. Bruce has to get back to Wayne Enterprises.” She said that last part with some derision.  
“Well, if you want to get together again, let me know.” I said politely.  
“Will do,” She embraced me, “Thank you for being so understanding. I was so worried.”  
“I appreciate you being worried, but I over-reacted too.” I admitted.  
“With good reason,” Selina said firmly, “If you talk to Pam, can you tell her something for me?”  
“It depends on what it is.”  
“Just tell her that I’m sorry for everything.” Her eyes filled with tears, “I’m an awful human being and she needs to know that I think that.”  
“I will say that in a way that doesn’t sound so self-deprecating.”   
She chuckled, “Alright, thanks.”  
“No problem.”   
“See you later then?” she asked as she pulled out her lighter.  
“Yup, see you later.” I then walked away, contemplating what had just transpired.   
I glanced back at Selina, taking long, torturous drags on her cigarette, and felt a strange sort of relief wash over me. So they weren’t happy at all. They put on this façade like they were, but at their core, they were not this perfect couple. Obviously no couple is, but at the restaurant they seemed just so disgustingly in love with each other. What I saw today indicated that there were some really deep-seated issues that they were going to have to sort out if they stayed together longer. I had to wonder if Selina just wasn’t in love with Pam but her only choice was to go to back to Bruce for security’s sake. I wouldn’t totally blame her; Bruce had money flowing out of his ass, but at the same time that wasn’t good for him either because he might actually she cares about him. I knew Selina was the most selfish person on earth but she liked to come off like she was selfless, and that is what irked me more than anything about the situation.   
I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize that I had almost walked past our house, and I dug out my key, unlocking the front door. The house was completely silent, which meant that the Joker had probably gone for his mid-morning run. I sat at the kitchen table, and noticed that he had left a note, scribbled quickly, ‘Went for a run. Pam called. I told her you would call when you got back. Here’s the number she left for you.’   
I hastily went to the phone and dialed the number written on the note. The phone rang a couple times and finally a familiar voice picked up, “Hello?”  
“Pam, goddamn it!” I nearly started crying, “Why didn’t you pick up yesterday?!”  
“Calm your tits, Harley.” She laughed, “I was just out doing some retail therapy and trying to get my life together.”  
I sank into the chair, “I was so worried that you had like taken pills or something.”  
“It takes a lot more to break me down than those two ass-holes.” Pam snorted derisively, “You underestimate my coping abilities.”  
“Well…are you ok? Where are you?” I asked.  
“I’m doing alright. I can’t say I’ve been particularly happy, but I’m ok. I’m still in Wyoming. I already bought the house; I’m not going to leave it. I like it out here enough for now. I’ve been getting some repairs done on it to distract myself. I bought some new bedroom furniture and they’re delivering it in a few hours.” She gabbed on about the house for a few minutes and I know that it was just a tactic to not talk about the issue, so I just let her ramble on.   
Finally I couldn’t really hold it in anymore and I said, “I saw them today.”  
“Who?”  
“Bruce and Selina, you dumb-ass.”   
“Oh, well, that’s interesting.” She said, and I could hear her grinding her teeth, something she did when she was especially irritated, “How did that go?”  
“They’re unhappy.” I replied, “They were trying to pretend that they were so overjoyed to be with each other, but they have serious problems, I think. Selina was smoking again.”  
“Ugh,” she groaned, “That’s awful. It took me a while to break her of that. She still did it when she was stressed, so she must be really stressed out if she’s doing it again. She said she was going to quit for Edward’s sake.”  
I noticed her voice break a little when she mentioned Edward, so I tried not to make her feel worse, “Well, I don’t know what you wanted to hear, but that’s what my observation was.”  
“Honestly, I don’t know what I wanted to know about them. Sometimes I think I would be better off hearing they’re doing badly, sometimes if I heard they’re happy, I can’t figure it out.” Pam said, exhaling deeply, “Do you know what I mean?”  
“Yeah, I do.” I nodded in agreement, “On the one hand, hearing they’re happy makes you happy for the other person, but hearing they’re terrible means that you’re probably happier in the long run. And you know you’re better off anyway, Pam. You have to know that now.”  
“I think so.” She said hesitantly, “It still hasn’t totally sunk in. I feel like she’s just on vacation or something. It just feels very…empty here.” Her voice officially broke then, and I could hear her start to cry softly on the other end.  
“Pam…”   
“It’s ok. I don’t mean to get emotional like this. It just hurts. It hurts a lot. This is something that I never anticipated happening. I know that sounds extremely naïve, but I didn’t believe it would. I should have known when you visited and we had that huge fight…she threatened to leave me. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to create a huge scene, but she told me that and I was shaken. I thought we had gotten over it, I thought we had gone back to normal. But then I wake up one morning and she’s gone, Harley. SHE FUCKING LEFT ME.”  
I was just stunned and I didn’t really know what to say. Pam was the strongest person I knew; my rock that was always there for me when I cried. Now that she needed me, I was just speechless. It broke my heart to hear her cry, to hear her suffer and not be able to comfort her in her time of need. I’d been there every single time before, but of course I couldn’t be there when she was going through something that we never expected.  
“I hope you never go through this. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life. It’s not only that, but it’s that she took Edward with her, too. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. This is the part that hurts the most out of all the shit that she put me through; that I will never get to be Edward’s mother and watch him grow up. I loved that child like he was mine, like I carried him myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that chance again.”  
“Pam, don’t say that. You will find someone who will love you for real and want to take that step in life with you.” I said reassuringly.  
“Yeah, where am I going to find a woman that hot in Wyoming?!” she exclaimed.   
“That’s a fair point.” I had to admit that. No offense to women in Wyoming at all, that’s just her opinion…  
She sighed, “I know that I’ll have to move back to New York eventually. It was my home. I just made an investment that I have to take care of now, unfortunately. Obviously I don’t want to meet anyone in the near future, but maybe in a year or so, once I figure everything out.”  
“That seems like a good idea.”  
“Enough about me. How are you? How’s the fetus?”   
I’m glad she was supportive of me calling it the fetus. Mr. J hated it.  
“The fetus seems happy and healthy. It wants to eat everything. I’m enormous.” I complained, “I can’t wait to just give birth and have my body back and be in control.”  
She laughed, “You’ll never get either of those things back.”   
“You’re just a big bitch, you know that?”   
“It’s what I do best.”   
“I really miss you.” I said, holding the phone against my ear as I rummaged through our cabinets for some snacks, “I hate that you’re so far away.”  
“Yeah, me too, on both of the things you said. When you have the baby, you’d better come back and visit me so I can see him or her.”   
“Oh don’t worry, as soon as I can fly I will fly and see you immediately.” I said vehemently, “I love Italy but sometimes I miss the States. I need to come back to town anyway because my sister needs me for bridesmaid dress fittings in Omaha. She wanted to wait until I had the baby to get married so that I wasn’t humongous for pictures, bless her selfish little heart.”  
Pam chuckled, “I can’t believe your little sister is getting married.”  
“You’ve never even met her.”   
“Yeah, but it just seems strange that she would get married before –”  
“Don’t even say that.” I interrupted her swiftly, “I plan on marrying him someday, just not right now. I always thought my sister would get married before me, anyway, to be honest. She’s smarter, funnier, and more outgoing than I am. I never worried about her finding someone. This was just a very unorthodox way of meeting a guy, but it worked out in the end.”  
“Oh come on, Harley, you can’t tell me that you never pictured getting married.” I could imagine Pam rolling her eyes at me at that moment.  
“Not that I never pictured it, just that I never thought I would find anyone who would be willing to marry me.” I corrected.  
“You’re just being ridiculous. You have someone who loves you.”   
I smiled as the Joker came in, taking off his sunglasses as he walked into the kitchen. He walked over and kissed me on top of my head, and mouthed, ‘Pam?’  
I nodded, and he pointed toward the bathroom, which meant he was going to take a shower. I mouthed, ‘ok’ and went back to Pam, “He just came in actually.”  
“Oh, tell him I say hi.” Pam said.  
“PAM SAYS HI!” I yelled after him.  
“HI PAM!” he yelled back.  
“Did you hear that?”   
“Yes, dear, I did.” She said in a patronizing tone.  
“Why don’t you just come out to Italy?” I whined.   
“Because I have money for that.”  
“I will buy you a plane ticket.” I said desperately.  
“Babe, I told you, I’m working on the house. When I get some of the major stuff done, I will come visit you, ok?”   
“Fine,” I pouted. I know that I am the paragon of maturity, no need to point it out.  
“Well, I have to get off now. The movers will be here soon and I want to get some stuff out of the way so that they can bring in the furniture. I’ll talk to you again in a couple of days.” Pam said.  
“Alright, well, if you need anything at all, please let me know. I’m here for you.”  
“You know I appreciate that. Love you, bestie.” Pam said cheerfully.  
“Love you, too. Bye.”   
“Bye.” We hung up.  
I felt calmer after I talked to her, but at the same time, a little concerned. She seemed ok, but Pam was a trooper. She wasn’t going to let shit like this get in her way, but she sometimes was the type that would ignore problems until they were right in her face and she’d have to deal with them. I knew she’d be alright eventually, but it really sucked that I wasn’t around to help her through this. I think maybe we were all just being naïve thinking that everything would stay the same forever. It never does. Believe me, it never, ever does.   
I heard the shower stop running and the Joker came out, toweling off his hair, “How did today go?”  
“Boy, you’re going to have to sit down for this one. It’s not even noon and I have so much that’s happened to me today.” I groaned.


	3. Never Forget Her Name

Chapter 3: Never Forget Her Name 

Looks like a girl but she’s a flame  
So bright she can burn your eyes  
Better look the other way  
You can try but you’ll never forget her name  
She’s on top of the world  
\- “Girl on Fire”, Alicia Keys 

I can’t say that the next couple of weeks flew by because I was waiting for the fetus to come out of me. I was getting aggravated. The doctor said my due date was going to be August 30th, and it was August 27th. I was so fucking fat I couldn’t move (or at least I felt that way), and neither did I want to, considering the heat in Italy this time of year. The Joker kept asking me if I was ok and I kept telling him to fuck off. Surprising he stayed with me. I think I warned him enough in advance that I was going to be a raging bitch for the duration of my pregnancy and he must have heeded my words. Smart man.  
Pam had been feeling better recently; we had been talking every day, without fail, mostly on my part of calling her and making sure she hadn’t fallen into a pit of despair. She was surprisingly fine; she might have been downplaying for my benefit – which I did appreciate – but I wanted her to be honest with me and because I knew she might not have been, it aggravated me.   
I was sitting in the living room watching some Italian soap opera that I had, by osmosis of me sitting on the couch all the time, become addicted to when my water broke.  
Right. Fuck.  
I stood up, not even knowing what to do. I stared down at the puddle on the couch and on the floor and felt sick to my stomach with anxiety. This was really happening. THIS WAS REALLY FREAKING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.  
“Babe?” I called weakly.  
He came into the living room with his coffee mug, and as soon as he saw what had transpired, he almost dropped it out of shock, “OH JESUS.”  
“Yeah, um…labor.” I couldn’t even form the words.  
“I’ll get the bag! I have to – I have to call the doctor and I have to get the bag!” he was panicking and basically running around in circles.  
I merely stood there, not even knowing where to go from here. Then I felt the first hard contraction hit me in the gut and I doubled over, “Ugh!”  
Mr. J ran down the stairs with my overnight bag and my flip-flops, “Ok, I’ve got everything. Are you alright?”  
“UM HOW ABOUT NO BECAUSE I AM HAVING A BABY!” I snapped.   
“No need to yell at me.” He said soothingly, taking my arm, “I called a cab and we’re going to go to the hospital now.”  
“Do I really have to?” I whined.  
“Yes, yes, you have to dear.”   
“I’m not ready for this.” I said, feeling suddenly the weight of the situation.  
“You’re going to have to be.” He grabbed my arm and steered me to the door.   
“I’m going to be sick.”   
“Be sick in the cab.” He basically shoved my fat ass out the front door and into the cab that was waiting outside, “To Sacred Heart Hospital, per favore.”  
“Si, signore,” he replied, and off we went.  
“It’s going to be ok, babe,” he grabbed my hand, “We’re going to meet our baby soon. Aren’t you so excited?”  
Yeah, I was super thrilled about pushing a watermelon out of my vagina. I had to be the woman who was least interested in the miracle of life.   
“Yay.” I said.  
“Well, I know it’s going to be painful, but at least pretend to be excited.”  
“Yay.” I repeated with the same monotone.  
He just rolled his eyes, “How far apart are your contractions?”  
“About 8, 9 minutes,” I replied.  
“They’re getting closer then. I imagine your labor shouldn’t be too long.” He mused.  
“You don’t even know my life, sir.” I glared at him, “I’m going to throw something at you in about 5 seconds if you don’t shut up.”  
“Hormones?”  
“No, just being serious.” I said, irritated.  
“I’ll say hormones.”   
“No you won’t because this is me legitimately wanting to chuck a vase at you. I foresee a lot of me yelling ‘how could you impregnate me’ and ‘fuck you’ in your future.” I folded my arms across my chest, and cringed at another contraction, “Who the fuck wants to voluntarily go through this? I’m now entirely sure that God is male and he had a really bad ex-girlfriend who he just wanted to wish pain on!”  
The Joker just laughed and I punched him hard in the arm, “I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP.”  
He just gave me a long-suffering look, “What a clearly healthy relationship we have, Harl.”  
“Is that a joke?” I stared at him, “Seriously? You really want to say that to me right now?”  
“How about we just focus on having a baby?”  
“Yes, that’s probably a good choice.”  
…  
We got to the hospital and they rushed me into a wheelchair. I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life. I mean, I was literally so stubborn that I would have walked into a hospital room while my contractions are 5 minutes apart and just delivered without epidurals just because I could.  
But that was not the case here.   
They gave me the epidural and I felt a little better; it was still really uncomfortable. The nurse examined me and said to me, “Well, I think you have another half hour or so before you can start pushing. Your contractions are still about 5 minutes apart.”  
“Grazi,” I said, trying to avoid sarcasm…but just barely.  
The nurse left to grab the doctor so they could scrub up.   
The Joker was holding my hand, “Harl, you’re going to be fine.”   
“I hate you.”   
“Ok, dear.”  
“I want a fucking sandwich.” I pouted.  
“I don’t think you can eat anymore before you give birth. I’ll get you a sandwich soon.”   
In retrospect, God bless that man. But at the time…  
“Get this watermelon out of me!” I yelled, clutching my stomach, “I WANT IT OUT.”  
“Seriously, get a grip.” He said, “I’m here for you, ok?”  
“This is all your fault!” I snapped, “You and your stupid tampering with my birth control! Now I have to have a baby! FUCK YOU!”  
Mr. J looked up helplessly at the doctor, who merely patted him on the shoulder, “It is alright, signore. This happens all the time.”  
Dr. Ferretti looked at me, “Mrs. Quinn, I am going to ask you to push, alright? You’re just going to have to listen to me. I know this will hurt, but it will be over soon.”  
Ugh, Mrs. I despised that word. Trying not to show any sign of weakness, I exhaled deeply and said, “Ok, I’m good.”  
I glanced over at Mr. J, who was looking a little green, “Dude, do not fail me now.”  
“As long as I don’t look, I’ll be fine.”  
“Seriously, you have –” I almost said ‘shot people’, but I stopped myself, “Well, you know what I mean. You’ve done that and you can’t watch the woman you love have a baby?!”  
“That’s different.” He said weakly.  
“I’m going to straight up murder you.” I muttered, and then yowled in pain, “DAMN IT!”  
Dr. Ferretti was kneeling in front of me, a scrub nurse at his side, “Ok, we’re going to start pushing. You can do this.”  
I pushed back my emotions, my sheer terror at the thought of this, the fact that this was actually happening and I just had to go with it.  
“Push!” he exclaimed, and I went with it, exerting all the force and will I had in my body.  
All of the moments were such a blur then, a blur of excruciating pain and crying and people yelling and coaching words in my ear; all I remember is at the end of it, the amazing sound of my baby wailing as I gave that final push, and fell back in exhaustion and relief.  
Mr. J looked over at me, and for a fleeting moment I regretted him seeing me, a sweaty red mess, and at the same time, felt that pure joy that this was…real. I had a baby. Holy shit.  
Then I saw that he was crying, tears free flowing from his eyes as he got up to hold our baby. The doctor handed the bundle over to him, smiling, “Well, Mr. and Mrs. Quinn, you have a healthy baby girl.”  
“I KNEW IT!” I said, and everyone just stared at me. I think they were just surprised that I had the energy. But, I was completely elated.  
The Joker cut her umbilical cord, and then gingerly brought her over to me, swaddled in a pale green blanket, “So, you knew, hmm?”  
“Yeah, I had a gut feeling.” I grinned, and peered down at the baby in front of me. She had calmed down a little since her entrance into the world, and I saw now that she had a little dusting of pale blonde hair and her eyes were a distinct blue when she partially opened them to look curiously up at us. I held out my arms to hold her. He handed her to me, and put his arm around me.  
“You are spectacular.” He said softly.  
“Eh, whatever.” I shrugged, laughing, “Stop fucking crying.”  
He wiped at his eyes, “You’re really going to make fun of me for that?”  
“For the rest of your life, bub.”  
“I’ll live with it.” He leaned down and touched her head.  
The doctor came over, interrupting our little intimate moment, “So, what’s the name?”  
I said without hesitation, “Olivia Maria Quinn.”   
Saying my mother’s name out loud filled with me with a strange emotion; it was a mixture of grief for the fact that she would never see her granddaughter, and also a feeling of pride that my daughter would carry on her name. Either way, it was the right thing to do.   
“That’s very beautiful.” The doctor smiled, “I’ll go put it in the computer. A nurse will come get her in a couple of minutes to do some tests and then you two can get some rest.”  
“Alright,” we said in unison. Then we were alone with her.  
It felt so strange…yet so right, like we were just complete.  
“You didn’t even waste time asking me about that one.” The Joker chuckled.  
“I had it in my mind all along. I wanted to honor my mom. The irony here is that you caused her death, but we’ll ignore that for now.”  
“Yeah, well…I created a life out of that loss, if that makes sense.” He said, and I could just see how overwhelmed and just elated he was. I handed Olivia to him, “Here, spend some time with Daddy.”  
He turned away from me, sniffling.  
“Oh for God’s sake, are you crying again?”  
“You have to be the most unemotional mother on earth.”   
“I am happy. You know that. Partly because I got the girl I hoped for, partly because I can finally be normal again, and mostly because this was something I could have never expected, but I am so beyond happy that I could experience it. But there will be no more.” I said firmly, “I want to spoil this one rotten and ruin her, and that’s the end of it.”  
“We’ll see.”  
“Don’t even bother thinking about it.”   
“Ok.”  
“I’m not convinced that I’ve convinced you.” I said skeptically.  
“That’s because you haven’t.” he said matter-of-factly.  
“We aren’t having sex for years.” I leaned back against the pillow, all of a sudden feeling the drowsiness setting in, “I’m going to rest.”  
He kissed the top of my head, “You do that. You deserve it.”  
He walked away, cradling Olivia so that she would fall asleep. Soon I heard no sounds at all; mostly because I was passed the fuck out. I woke up a few hours later and saw the Joker doing the same. He had curled up next to me on the hospital bed, snoring softly.  
At that moment, I didn’t even know what to think. I was a mom now. What? Yeah. A mom. It didn’t really feel any different right at that specific minute in time, but obviously I knew my life was going to change. I think that’s like pregnancy 101, knowing that you’re carrying a life inside of you and that life could potentially change the world. I think that was what I was most excited for; that my daughter might be able to do something extraordinary with her life. Who knew really? I had to just hope that things were going to turn out a little better for her than for me; yes, I was with someone I loved but the sheer trauma I had to experience to get there…I would never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Ok, I may or may not wish it on Selina and Bruce…oh right, them. Also, Pam. I needed to call Pam.  
I sat there for a moment, trying to remember her number, and after I couldn’t retrieve it from my short-term memory, I got up gingerly from the bed – trying not to disturb my boyfriend - and walked over to my purse which the Joker had placed on one of the chairs in the room. I pulled it out, scrolling through for Pam’s number. I called and waited for an answer.   
I realized then that I had no idea what time it was in the United States; after Pam answered a groggy, “Hello?” I came to the conclusion that it was in the middle of the night there.  
“Hey, Pam!” I said cheerfully.  
“You better have a goddamn excellent reason for waking me up. I’m still drunk.” She groaned.  
“Um, well, if you count having a baby as a reason…”  
“YOU WHAT?!” I had to pull the phone away from my ear as she screamed, “YOU HAD THE BABY?! What the fuck? Why didn’t you call me earlier?”  
“It was sort of sudden, you know. It only took me like 4 hours in total to deliver.” I said.  
“You’re so lucky!” she gushed, “So…?”  
“So what?”  
“Um, hello, are you fucking brain damaged? What about the baby?!”   
“Oh, right, duh. I had a girl and I-”   
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” she squealed into the phone and once again I had to put the phone aside until she was done having a meltdown, “A little girl? I’m so EXCITED.”  
“I can see that.” I said wryly, “Do you even want to know what I named her?”  
“Yes, yes, I do. I’m sorry. I’m just freaking out.”  
“I named her Olivia Maria.”   
“Oooooh weeeeee that’s so cute!” she was going to break the sound barrier if she kept going like this, “I can’t believe it, Harley! You’re a mom!”   
“Yeah, I’m still coming to terms with that.” I admitted, “Mr. J was so excited, if you can imagine.”  
“I’ll bet,” she laughed, “Oh my god, Harley! I can’t wait till you can fly back here and I can meet her! I’m sure she’s absolutely beautiful.” She then started weeping.  
Why the hell was everyone crying but me?  
“Pamela…” I rolled my eyes, “Calm down.”  
“Are you that callous that you can’t even cry about having your own baby?” Pam inquired.  
“Yeah, I guess I am.” I said, aggravated, “Honestly, I think I’m just really tired and relieved that this whole thing is over. I’m happy, though, I really am.”  
“Everyone reacts differently.” Pam said, “You’re right about that. You just need time to process this, I think.”  
“I am so tired.” I moaned, “That was the worst. I think I would really prefer to never go through that pain again.”  
“I bet.” She commiserated, “S – you know who I mean – she was totally worn out afterward, too. You need to just rest and enjoy the time you have alone before you have a baby 24/7.”  
“That’s for damn sure.” I agreed, “Well, I think we both need to sleep. I’ll call you soon.”  
“Ok, congratulations hon!”  
“Thank you.” I said, and we hung up.   
I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling completely drained. I looked over at Mr. J, who was still sleeping peacefully. I envied his ability to just fall asleep anywhere and ignore the world around him. I leaned against him and closed my eyes. I knew that when I woke up, it was going to be a new day, and even more so, a new life for us.


	4. You're My Sweetheart

Chapter 4: You’re My Sweetheart

So show me family (ho)  
All the blood that I would bleed (hey)  
I don’t know where I belong (ho)  
I don’t know where I went wrong (hey)  
But I can write a song  
I belong with you, you belong with me  
You’re my sweetheart  
\- “Ho Hey”, The Lumineers 

…and believe me, that thought fucking sucked. I suppose I should feel something. I don’t even know why I didn’t feel anything at all…I mean, besides the wearing off of the epidural. I didn’t understand what made me this way, to be so callous about my feelings. I think that it just stems from my inability to trust anyone, which is all psychoanalytical bull-crap but yeah, I have a Ph.D in psychology so whatever I’m the authority bitches. Obviously I have issues because the only man I could ever commit to dressed up like a clown for a living. It speaks volumes about my personality. Live the fucking dream.  
I see him lying next to me and still have the feelings I always do, the ones of love and joy and calm that I only experienced when I was with him. But, like adding a baby to the mix? I was skeptical of that. I didn’t know how to deal with that fact yet and I wasn’t going to until I had to, as mature as that sounds. Sometimes I felt like I was watching myself from outside of myself. It sounds ridiculous and so existential, but so true. I wondered what had happened to me, what had happened to that carefree girl who thought she’d just marry her first boyfriend, pop out a couple of kids and bam bam ka-cham, life would be perfect.   
Well, I was wrong. And stupidly, I never dealt with that fact. I never dealt properly with the loss of my first real love. I was so angry at the time and so hurt, and I held a grudge against any other living thing with a penis on the planet. I mean, they all suck though, truly. The Joker is the only one that doesn’t suck and doesn’t make me want to lose faith in the human race. But, really, should I be happy with that assessment? I don’t know. Maybe the drugs were affecting me harder than I thought. Maybe once they put her in my arms, I’d feel something, like something real that I can’t put into words, like everyone says they do. It always feel weird to not be like everyone else, to not experience what they experience and feel like you’re the outcast that doesn’t understand. Like a fucking robot. That’s how I felt, like a robot.   
My whole life I just wanted someone to truly love me, and now I had him. I had always thought a child would factor into that somehow, and now it has, and I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. I just felt numb. I didn’t want to feel numb. I didn’t want to feel so utterly cut off from the world, from my own human emotions.   
It was like 4:30 in the morning and I couldn’t sleep to save my life. I knew I probably shouldn’t have been getting up and walking around but I felt so unbelievably restless. I got out of the bed, stretching my sore legs. The Joker was passed out and barely even stirred when I stood up. I wandered out into the hallway; it was like a ghost town. Hospitals were extremely eerie in the early hours of the morning, let me just tell you in advance so that you never do this yourself. I felt like a weird ghost walking around, peering curiously around the corners. I was trying to avoid any doctors and nurses so that they didn’t make me go back to bed.   
I found the glass room where they kept the newborns; there weren’t that many, only about 20. Maybe late August wasn’t a popular time to be having babies or something. I peered through the window, looking for my own child. I saw her; she was peacefully asleep, just like her dad. I fervently hoped that that peacefulness continued. We didn’t need two neurotic women in the house.   
I stared at her for I don’t even know how long. It could have been like 5 minutes or an hour, but all I know is that a doctor had rounded the corner and was tapping me on the shoulder. I jumped, startled, and turned to face him, feeling very embarrassed.  
“Worried about your baby, signora?” he asked, smiling.  
“No…” I said, glancing inside, “I just couldn’t sleep, I guess. I just wanted to look at her again. I think I’m a little in disbelief right now.”  
“It is normal.” He said in somewhat stilted English. I was able to understand him but he struggled over a few words, “Many women feel…how you say…different after they have a baby. Sometimes it is not a good thing, but you will feel better soon.”  
“Yes, I think I will.” I said softly, “I should probably back to my room, right?”  
“I think I can let you stay here for a few more minutes.” He winked conspiratorially, “I will not tell anyone.”  
“Thank you.” I said, “But I think I will go back to my room. I’m a little tired.”  
“I understand. I will escort you back to your room.”   
“I appreciate that, thank you.” I let him walk me back, and he opened the door for me.   
He looked inside, “Your husband?”  
I couldn’t help but smile, “Yes, my husband.”  
“Who is your doctor?”   
“Dr. Ferretti,” I replied.  
“I will let him know you’re doing well.”   
“That would be great. I’m going to get back into bed.”  
“Sleep well, signora.” He closed the door behind him.  
The Joker finally made a grunting, startled sort of sound when I got back into bed with him, “Where were you, babe?”  
“Bathroom.” I lied.  
“It took you that long?”  
“Excuse me, sir, but was your vagina torn in half yesterday? No, no, it was not. I think you should watch your fucking mouth.”  
He hugged me drowsily, and said, “Why are you so perfect?”  
“It’s taken me a while to get there but somehow I’ve made it.” I wasn’t even sure what kind of emotion I had in my voice in that moment. There might have been an itsy bitsy bit of truth in it, but I wasn’t going to own up to it. I’ll let him keep thinking it’s sarcasm because that’s just standard fare when you live with me.  
I was met with a loud nasal snoring sound, and figured he fell asleep again. I’m glad watching my childbirth had made him so tired and by that I mean motherfucker seriously? You are more tired than the woman who gave birth? Really?!  
I just had to let it go at that moment, and I settled in for a few more hours of sleep.  
I woke up again around 8:30 AM because Dr. Ferretti and a nurse were chatting animatedly in Italian in the hallway. I was too tired and too monolingual to know what they were saying, so I just sat up and stretched my arms, groaning as my bones cracked in their usual fashion. I’m so god damn old it’s not even funny.   
Dr. Ferretti saw me rise into supine position, so he walked in, “Good morning! I am here to check your vitals. Is that alright?”  
“Yes, that’s fine.” I consented, and smacked my fake husband awake, “Seriously babe? You need to wake up!”  
“I’m up, I’m good!” he finally sat up, shaking his head, “You could have picked a nicer way to do that, but I’ll just not argue with you for now.”  
“That’s a very smart choice.” I agreed, and pushed him toward the edge of the bed, “They need to make sure I’m ok, so go sit down or get yourself a coffee.”  
“I’ll wait until they’re done, then I’ll go.”  
I rolled my eyes as Dr. Ferretti checked my blood pressure, “Fine. Be a loser and wait.”  
“How old are you again? 13?”  
“Last time I checked.” I was just full of snark and I hadn’t even been awake 5 minutes. This was just that kind of day.  
The doctor examined my breasts which fucking HURT by the way, my that-which-gave-life area, and also checked my heartbeat and lungs, and deemed me fit to go home that afternoon, which made me feel very relieved and at the same time absolutely scared out of my mind. I had to bring my baby home. Weird, dude.   
I asked, “How is Olivia doing?”  
“She’s doing just fine. Everything is normal. She slept mostly through the night, and I’m sure she felt more peaceful because I heard her mother visited her.” He winked.   
Damn, I’d been ratted out. This is why I don’t trust people.   
The Joker raised an eyebrow at me, and I shrugged nonchalantly, “I went to check on her in the middle of the night. I couldn’t sleep.”  
Somehow he translated this as me caring a lot or something, because he came over to me and kissed me deeply, “I knew you would change your mind about this.”  
“Eh, get off me, you nerd.” I said defensively, and he did what I told him to do, simultaneously obnoxiously beaming at me.  
“Well, I need to check on other patients, but please page me if you need anything.” Dr. Ferretti said, sticking out his hand.  
I shook it, “Thank you, doctor. You did an excellent job.”  
“Ah, don’t worry about it. It’s what I want to do.” He smiled, and he and the nurse scuttled out of the room to check on other new mothers in the ward.  
I looked over at Mr. J, who was being a stupid dork and grinning at me.  
“Will you stop?” I snapped.  
“I know you’re just getting snippy because you showed emotion and you want people to think you’re tough. I get you, Harley. I see through it.”  
“Doesn’t mean it isn’t annoying.” I grimaced, “I just want to go home.”  
“Yeah, this isn’t the most comfortable place.” He sat on the edge of my bed, “How are you feeling right now?”  
“Tired, but fine, honestly. I want to sleep in my own bed and watch excessive amounts of TV. That’s all I want.”   
“I want to just kiss you all the time.”  
“Ew, please stop. I’m going to throw up on you.”  
“You’ve threatened to do that a lot, so I’m assuming one day it’s going to happen, and I will be sorry when it does.” He said matter-of-factly.  
“Yes, yes, you certainly will, mister. I threaten for a reason.” I nodded sagely, “Also we bought a lot of shit for that baby and it needs to go to good use.”  
“I have the distinct feeling we’ve gender switched sometime in the last 24 hours. Is this like Freaky Friday?” the Joker looked around, “Am I going to see Lindsay Lohan anywhere?”  
I had to laugh at that, the first time I’d really laughed in like months, “Ok, I have to give you credit for your pop culture knowledge.”  
…  
The Joker and I did indeed go home that afternoon, baby Olivia in tow. She was all swathed in her pink swag that we bought her. Don’t worry; my child is going to one stylish lady. The Joker was all aggravatingly cute in that he wanted to constantly make sure she was alright and keep touching her, which I don’t Olivia liked very much because she started crinkling her nose and shaking her head at him. I think I knew right then that that had to be my daughter, and I felt my heart swell a little with pride. It’s a weird, weird thing to bring a child into your life. The weirdest feeling of all is when the cab drops you off and you go into your house with this baby and you’re like…now what?  
“Now what?” I asked.  
He stared at me, “We live our lives with a baby in it.”  
“It’s that simple, huh?” I looked down at her. She was sleeping pretty peacefully.   
“I guess. I mean, we’ve got everything we need right now and we’ll just have to wing it as we move along.”   
“Oh yeah, that sounds like excellent parenting. We’ll just wing it? Are you fucking stupid?”  
“Babe!” he hissed, “Why are you swearing in front of the baby?”  
“She does not understand a single thing I’m saying. Right now I’m just a milk machine.” I rolled my eyes, “If you’re going to do this whole obsessive parent thing, I’m out, bro.”  
In response to that, he merely stared dead-pan at me, “Go take a nap. You’re getting cranky.”  
“Eh, fuck you.” I said and kissed him, but trudged up the stairs.  
I fell asleep for a good couple of hours, and mostly I woke up because I could smell the Joker making garlic bread, one of my favorite things he made. He was actually a somewhat decent cook, considering he had had to live on his own for a long time. I walked down, bleary-eyed, into the kitchen.   
He laughed as soon as he saw me, “I knew the smell would get you down here.”  
“What can I say? I am a fatty at heart.” I shrugged, “Or, a fatty in body now.”  
“You’ll be fine. You already look a million times hotter now that you’re a mother, specifically the mother of my child.” He kissed me swiftly, and put the plate down in front of me, “But for now, stuff your face.”  
“You are godly.” I said, and then proceeded to do so, “Where’s Olivia?”  
“In the living room, sleeping. I think she must get that from you. I gave her a bottle while you were napping.” He said.  
“Oh, good, that’s good.” I nodded, feeling like this moment was a little surreal. It kinda felt like we were babysitting right now, but that child came out of me. Weird shit, I’ll tell you. I had decided not to breast-feed because absolutely not I will do that ever in my life, so we got some formula from our doctor in Italy to start her out.   
“Yeah, she’s doing great so far.”  
“Dude, it’s been 2 hours. We have this thing for the rest of our lives.”  
“She is not a thing.” He said, sitting down across from me, “She is our daughter.”  
“Ew, it just sounds so weird when you say it like that.” I shuddered, “Like, it just feels…strange that I have a child. I don’t know why.”  
“It’s going to be an adjustment, you know that.”   
“Yeah, I do.” I fell silent as we finished eating.  
“So…” I looked up because the Joker had decided to break the silence.  
“Yes?”  
“When do we get to…have sex again?” he asked.  
“Welp, you win the award for non-sequitur of the year.” I declared.  
“No, I’m asking a serious question, I promise.” He insisted.  
“I think like a month, a month and a half, something like that.” I said, shrugging, “I have to be all healed or whatever. I don’t even want to know what I look like down there.”  
“I’m sure you’re fine.”   
“You are not in this body. You have not seen the havoc this has wreaked on my body.”   
“You look beautiful.”  
“Don’t even lie.” I shook my head, “Well, I’m done with dinner, so I think I’ll just relax and watch some TV and keep an eye on her.”  
“That’s a good idea. I’ll do the dishes.” He said, standing up.  
I walked into the living room and she was all just sleeping in there, in her little pink blanket with flowers on it. I held her for a moment, very cautiously, and settled back into the couch to watch some Italian news. While my boyfriend did the dishes.   
WHO THE HELL ARE WE.


	5. Which Life was Mine

Chapter 5: Which Life Was Mine

Once upon another time  
Before I knew which life was mine  
Before I left the child behind me  
I saw myself in summer nights  
Stars lit up like candle light  
I make my wish but mostly I believed

\- “Once Upon Another Time”, Sara Bareilles 

We were getting settled in this routine, this weird sort of life cycle that never changed and it was fucking stifling as all get out, let me tell you. I am not going to say that I totally hated the situation because Olivia was absolutely the greatest thing that could ever happen to a selfish bitch like me. She made me actually want to try being a mother and having maternal instincts, you know? It was weird. I would look down at her precious little face and be like, ‘wow I made this in my body’. I had a hard time imagining that for a while.   
I never wanted anything to work out so badly than this. Sometimes I sat back and thought about how far we had really come in this relationship and how we had changed so much. Sometimes, it thrilled me. Sometimes, it scared me to death. I think it’s hard to let go of the person that you used to be, that you were accustomed to being and then you have to accept this role of becoming someone else, being an adult person with responsibility and now for me, the responsibility of another human life. I am not good with pressure; needless to say that’s why I was having these nagging thoughts. Mr. J was as happy as a goddamn clam, though. He loved being a father. I think that stemmed from the fact that his father was a complete and utter ass-hole who beat the crap out of his mom. He wanted to become better than that. This is obviously my Ph.D in psychology talking but I think he was trying to make up for some abandonment issues that his father had bestowed upon him.   
I never talked to him about these issues, really; I mean, the sheer fact that I didn’t even know his real name didn’t seem to bother me. Like, Jesus, I don’t even know the father of my child’s real fucking name. Is that not weird? Am I not the weirdest person on this planet for that? Yeah, that’s me. The girl who lives with a murderer and is happy about it. I feel like I should know the psychological term for this condition off the top of my head but I didn’t. I hadn’t used that knowledge in a long time and that saddened me immensely.   
The Joker was sitting in the kitchen with Olivia when I came down the stairs, eating his breakfast. He was dressed in his running outfit; a beat-up old NYU sweatshirt of mine (yeah he was that skinny to fit into my college clothes) and burgundy-red running shorts. Olivia was happily munching on her baby food and being all cute.  
I kissed both of them.   
“Good morning.” I greeted them, opening the cabinet doors to get out some cereal.   
“Morning,” He said through his oatmeal.  
“Classy as ever, babe.” I remarked swiftly, pouring my cereal into a bowl and getting out the milk from the fridge.  
I saw him put up his middle finger out of my peripherals, and I just shook my head. At least we weren’t turning into that gross lovey-dovey couple who only talks about how much they “wuv” each other and kiss all the time. I mean, honestly, I’d rather have my eyeballs sucked out with a vacuum cleaner.   
I sat down at the table, grabbing Olivia’s bowl because she was about to knock it off the tray on her high chair.   
“You have that whole mother thing down.” He smiled.  
“I guess I should start out right.” I shrugged, and then we both ate silently for a few minutes. When I had finished my cereal, I put my arms on the table in a decisive manner, “Jay?”  
“Yes?”   
“I…I have a question, er…kind of a thing I want to do and I want your opinion on it.” I wasn’t really sure how to phrase it.  
“What’s that?”  
“I want to go back to work.” I said with some authority.   
“Work, as in…being…?” he looked a little lost.  
“A psychologist? You know, that useless Ph.D I have from the university on the sweatshirt you’re wearing? Did you forget how we met?”  
“I would never forget.” He said sincerely.  
“Then, you know how important my work was – is to me. I really want to use my degree for something. I feel like just sitting here is turning my brain to mush. I want to do something.”  
“I understand, but how will we work that out with Olivia?”  
“Ok, so since when do you have anything to do? You have no job and we have unlimited money. When you want to do things, hire a sitter. It’s going to be fine. I don’t want her to completely attach to us to the point that she can’t deal with being away from us. I don’t plan on having any more children, so it’s not going to be a problem.”  
“Was I going to be involved in that decision?” he didn’t seem mad, just amused by the idea of it.  
“You got one,” I said pointing to our daughter, “and that’s all you’re going to get, bud. I –” I covered Olivia’s ears, “I didn’t even totally want this one but you chose to tamper with my pills. There will be no more of that.”  
“I know, I know.” He said dismissively.  
“You say that but you don’t convince me.” I said, and looked pointedly at our child, “I don’t want another one of these.”  
“You don’t believe I won’t do it again?” he asked innocently.  
I merely gave him a dead-pan look and said, “We are never having sex again.”  
He got up and hugged me, “You say that but you don’t convince me.”  
“The comedic irony is stunning.”  
“Babe, if you really want to go out and get a job, you should try. We can figure it out later. We will be fine. I have plenty of money stashed away, but it would be nice to having some incoming money if you want to do this.”   
I kissed him softly, “You are so supportive. Thank you.”  
“No problem at all. Want to go for a walk with Olivia?”  
“Yeah, that would be great. When I come back I’ll research some jobs.” I said, beaming.   
I couldn’t fully believe that he was alright with the idea, but I did understand that he was really trying to be supportive of me and my choices. I didn’t exactly want to come out and tell him I was being stifled by this whole domestic existence thing, so this was the next best solution. Seeing Olivia every day was a blessing, but at the same time, it reminded me of the fact that I could never be that single girl again, with no responsibility and no ties to anything. I had a child to take care of, and I wasn’t going to take that for granted or anything, but it was still just a disturbing thought. Being a mother was a very conflicting process; I still felt pretty guilty that I wasn’t taking to it as well as other people, but that was maybe my perfectionism talking. I just had to keep telling myself that it was going to get better.   
…  
After a couple weeks of fruitless job hunting and searching, I finally came upon a counseling job at a local institute in Venice; a place that specialized in family and child counseling for people going through divorce or traumatic family problems. I thought it sounded pretty interesting but I didn’t have a ton of experience with the family and child psychology area. I did get a first interview and I was pretty excited about it. I flitted about the house fretting about my clothes; I picked a black and white structured dress and curled my hair in an attempt to tame its frizz and I was stumbling around in 2-inch black heels when the Joker stopped me, putting his hands on my shoulders.  
“You’re making me dizzy with all that movement. Relax. You look fine. You’re going to do fine. If you don’t get it, no pressure. You can find something else.”   
“I know, I know,” I said quickly, “I just need to find my purse.”  
“It’s on the hall table just like it always is.”  
I ran to the hall, grabbing it, “Ok, I’m going to go now. I know it’s early but I need to walk off this nervous energy.”  
I opened the door, hearing the Joker say, “Good luck!” as I closed it behind me, and then I walked away into the morning, the only sound being the click-clack of my heels against the cobblestones on our street. I slowed down, inhaling and exhaling and trying to calm myself down. I hadn’t been on an interview in like 3 years; the last one was for Arkham. Yikes. That turned out well. It’s not like Venice could really call Arkham and ask them what happened since my name was faked. That had been the most difficult part of this; I didn’t have any of my real job records or school records because I wasn’t technically ‘Harleen Quinzel’ anymore.   
Yeah, that was a pretty strong metaphor right there. Soak it in.  
Thankfully this job was for people who had, quote en quote some experience in psychology or counseling services, and I had. It wasn’t to be a psychologist; it was mostly just to help out the families and talk them through things, be on the phone with people, blah blah blah. I kept walking, trying to breathe and enjoy the view. I did live in this beautiful city, and it did make me very happy. I was invigorated by the places and the people and the lifestyle, but I sometimes felt the sudden pangs of homesickness once in a while. I had booked my flight to Omaha to see my sister and I was going to leave in about a week and a half to help her with some of the wedding planning. I felt really bad that I couldn’t be there for all of it, but she merely told me that it was ok and that I had better come armed with lots of pictures of Olivia to show her, which I planned to do.  
Having my sister back in my life plus having a healthy relationship with Mr. J made everything so much easier for me emotionally. After getting back in contact with my sister, my dreams and visions of her had disappeared, those manifestations of my guilty conscience about betraying her to an enemy, but sometimes the death of my parents hit me harder than I expected it would. I think it hit me hardest when I thought about the fact that they would never know Olivia, that they would never get to see her grow up and play with her and spoil her. It was something that I didn’t often think about because it brought me way too much pain and plus it was something that still lingered in between me and him, that unspoken tension about him, you know, murdering my fiancé and burning down the church I was getting married in. Yeah, I bet you didn’t remember that at this point, either, but my life is a long, complicated story.  
It felt a little surreal, thinking about the idea that I was a normal person these days; I had lived the past couple of years as a fugitive (and really, I still am) and it felt odd to just be settled and be a normal, real person again. I don’t know if my body just hadn’t gotten over the constant stress that came with being a criminal. I sort of missed that old, crappy apartment, and going to the warehouse and joking around with the henchmen, and running up and down fire escapes…actually wait no I don’t miss that at all. But I did miss being with Pam, being alone, being my own person. Now I’m “Mrs.” Quinn. Ugh. Ew.   
Maybe I’ve just realized that I am a person who can never be fully happy with what she has. It was not a comforting thought.  
I made it to the interview a good 15 minutes ahead of time, and went into the bathroom to freshen up my makeup and put on some extra perfume and deodorant. I didn’t want to look like I had run there; that wasn’t exactly professional.   
I did the interview and I think it went pretty well; they asked me a lot of questions that I was prepared to answer, like my background with psychology and counseling, my knowledge about psychological theory, and I answered with confidence. I had told them that I went to community college in the United States and had studied some psychology because they weren’t going to call and check up on that. The woman in charge, a no-nonsense, well-dressed sort of person named Giorgia, shook my hand firmly and told me they would give me a call soon, and I felt good about that. Even if I didn’t get it, I was happy to just have the experience.  
I decided to treat myself to some lunch, and went to this local café that was like 3 blocks from our house and ordered myself an individual flatbread pizza. I was digging into my pizza when I heard my name, “Harley?” I looked up and saw Bruce Wayne standing there.  
Son of a bitch.  
I put on a forced smile, and put my napkin on the table, “Hi, Bruce, how are you?”  
“Good, good,” he said, apparently just deciding to invite himself to sit down. Great, I was in for a long conversation.  
“You look great.” He commented, “How old is Olivia now?”  
“A month and a half.” I replied, “She’s been a very good baby so far, honestly, can’t complain. Do you want to see a picture?” I didn’t really let him answer, I just anxiously started fumbling through my purse for the small album of pictures I always carried with me of her.   
I handed him the album, “I wish I had more.”  
He flipped through it, “She definitely looks like you. You’ve got the same blue eyes, the curls.”  
“Yeah, but she has his face shape, for sure. I think she’s a little more angular than heart-shaped, like mine, and she totally has his nose, thank God.”  
“There’s nothing wrong with your nose.” He automatically said, and it kind of reminded fleetingly of when we were dating and he would make comments like that. But, only briefly did I think of that, ok?  
He handed it back to me, “You look very happy. I wasn’t expecting that.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean, you just seem really happy about everything and the last time we talked, you just seemed kind of negative toward the baby situation.” He shrugged, “I am glad that you’re happy, don’t get me wrong, I just know you and your neuroses.”  
“Did you come and sit down to catch up with me or tell me everything that’s wrong with my life?” I asked bluntly.  
“Harley…”   
“No, seriously, I am not going to put up with this shit from you. I was having a good morning and then you come along and take a nice dump all over it, like you always do. Just say what you need to say and go home.” I said irritably.  
“I don’t want to ruin your day.”  
“Too late.”   
“I just…I don’t know what to do and I saw you walking into this café and I had to talk to you.” He rambled and stumbled over his words. I was puzzled. He never acted like this.  
“Ok, what’s wrong?” I had to bite at the bait he was dangling in front of me. Leave it to me and my sense of schadenfreude to rule my life, especially at the expense of an ex.  
“Selina left yesterday.”   
“What?” I felt hollow, “Why?”  
“Don’t read too much into it. She went back home to talk to Pam.” He made a sour face, “She said she needed to ‘work things out’ with her because she never felt any sense of closure. She wanted to make sure Pam was doing alright.”  
“Pam is doing just fine. In fact, she’s happy. You and Selina are the same fucking person; you like to come along and ruin people’s lives. That’s why you belong together.” I snapped.   
“And you’re jumping to conclusions.” Bruce added sharply, “Pam is not completely ok. She’s not going to be unless Selina addresses the problem.”  
“You don’t think that that could get complicated? That it could have consequences on your relationship?”   
“Of course I do!” he exclaimed, “It’s all I’ve been thinking about since she got on the plane two days ago! What if she doesn’t come back, Harley? What if she just up and leaves me like she did Pam?”  
“I don’t think it’s going to go that far…” I really didn’t. I was just trying to get him to see the other side of things; that Pam might get more hurt in all of this and get left behind like debris after an explosion, which this totally was. I was more concerned for my best friend than their relationship.   
“Well, see, here’s the thing. She’s going to ask her for a divorce. She had to stop in New York to get the paperwork and now she has to have Pam sign it.”  
“Oh that’s nice and fucking painful.” I narrowed my eyes, “Let’s just stick a knife in Pam’s heart and twist a little more. That’ll help.”  
“Harley, we don’t have a choice. If Selina and I want to get married –”  
“Is that a joke?” I cut him off at the knees, “Married? She’s barely getting divorced and you’re already thinking about marrying her?”  
“What do you care?”   
I gaped open-mouthed like a fish for a moment, “I don’t care, Bruce. I less than care about anything that has to do with you. Pam is my main concern always. She’s my best friend on this earth. She saved me. Yes, we have had our differences, but she saved me from myself. You know that better than anybody else. I don’t want her to deal with this bullshit anymore. I mean, I guess I’m glad that Selina decided to take care of this, but it isn’t going to make it hurt any less. Pam has moved on with her life; you know I talk to her all the time. She’s doing just fine. She would tell me otherwise.”  
“You don’t really know that.”  
“Yes, I do.” I said firmly, “Pam is fine. She may not be the happiest person in the world, but she is going to be ok. She’s a strong person, but Selina brings out the worst in her. Her affection for Selina makes her weak. She needs to cut those ties and if divorce papers is what is going to do that, then fine. I just can’t believe you’re already thinking that you’re going to marry her. Clearly this first marriage didn’t exactly work out.”  
“Yeah, but that was pretty much my fault.”   
“Not really. Selina came to you. She left Pam herself. How do you know she won’t leave you?”   
“I don’t know that, but I have to trust her.” He said helplessly, “I am the father of her child.”  
“I don’t think that would exactly stop her. She’ll just leave you with the child and disappear like she always does. She doesn’t seem like the type of person who would commit.”   
“You’re just being judgmental because you hate her.”   
“Hate is a strong word. Yes, I really don’t like her, but I don’t hate her.” I corrected him.   
“All evidence to the contrary.” He raised his eyebrow skeptically.  
“You know what? I don’t need to get into an argument with you about this. You put this on me, buddy. You are putting me in a bad position here. First of all, I hate dealing with you. Second, I don’t have time for this anymore. I have more important things to worry about at the moment.” I said, standing up, “I need to go home and see my family and hopefully forget that I saw you.”  
He grabbed my wrist, “Don’t walk away from me yet. I need you to help me through this.”  
“You don’t need me!” I said, thrashing my arm until he let go, “Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you that you have to keep running back to me to solve your problems? It wasn’t even 7 months ago now that you tried to kill my boyfriend!”  
“Keep your voice down.” He hissed.  
“No, because you know what? I’ve had it! I don’t know why you rely on me to be your emotional support! I’m not your fucking girlfriend! I was your girlfriend and obviously that didn’t work out, did it?”  
“You made that decision.” He said scathingly.  
“Yeah, and you know why? BECAUSE YOU ARE A PSYCHO. I was going to get trapped into a loveless marriage with a life I didn’t want! I didn’t love you and that’s why I left you at that goddamn altar years ago. Get over it. Seriously. I can’t take this anymore. You somehow follow me to Italy after I try to get away from that life, and then you somehow just track me down in a café and want to whine to me about your relationship problems? Seriously, STOP. I told you I was done with you and you keep finding reasons to come into contact with me. Why the hell is that? I would really like to know.” I stood there, arms folded across my chest.  
“I can’t talk about this here.” He said quietly.  
“If you can’t talk about it here, you will not talk about it anywhere because you will never see me again. I will walk away, out of your life forever. You will not find me again, Bruce, and that’s a promise.”  
“Harleen, can you sit?” he looked up at me with the most imploring eyes I’d ever seen, so I hesitantly slithered back into my seat.  
“Talk.” I demanded curtly.  
“Look, I don’t know how to explain this, but…you were a big part of my life. I really thought we had something special. I caught on that you were still hung up on the Joker, so against my better judgment, I asked you to marry me. I wanted to lock you down. I wanted you to stay with me and I thought asking you to marry me would be the best way to do that. Obviously, it wasn’t. I cheated on you because I wasn’t happy with myself then. I wasn’t happy with the decision I had made to give you a ring, something that I only ever imagined doing once in my life. You understand what I’ve been through. You’ve lost your parents at the hands of a madman.”  
I had to cringe a little at that.  
He went on, “You understood me on a deeper level than even Selina, even though I love her, ever has. Selina was there, she was beautiful, mysterious, dark. Everything you weren’t. I thought maybe if I went for her, then maybe it would make up for what I lost with you. Selina and I had always engaged in this innocent mild flirtation, her being Catwoman and me being Batman.”  
“Yeah, I know.” I could feel my blood start to boil. I knew I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but I was and I couldn’t stop it now.  
“I suppose you would. When I was with you, I never thought about her until things started going south. I made a mistake. I don’t think you’re ever going to forgive me.”  
“No, I will not.” I said steadily.  
Bruce looked tired, “You know how difficult all of this is for me to say.”  
“I still did love you on some level, Bruce. Even if it wasn’t as much as I loved J, it was still real. I can’t commit, you know that. You know me better than that. Throwing a ring into the mix was the absolute worst thing you could have done to me. Take a person who is afraid of commitment and throw commitment right in their face. Smart. He and I work well as a couple because he doesn’t expect that out of me. He lets me do things at my own pace. You wanted to get married, have kids, the whole deal and I felt smothered. I panicked.” I admitted.   
I was at peace with that situation for sure and I could tell it showed in my voice. I was over it. I hadn’t thought about it much since me and Mr. J got together for certain and for the long haul. I never wanted to go back to Bruce Wayne. I never thought about it really until now.   
“I wish you could have told me why.”   
“I wish you would have been honest with me, too. You didn’t give me a chance to explain myself and you never explained yourself and your actions to me. I find out that you cheated through someone else; that hurt more than anything. You could have dialed my fucking phone number and told me yourself, but no, you just sat on your guilty like a coward and thought I would let it die. Yeah, I know I betrayed you too. We both fucked up. We both made mistakes. I think we should just leave it at that, Bruce. I don’t want to think about this anymore than I really have to. I’m happy now. You should be happy. You have everything you ever wanted.”  
“Selina isn’t you.” He said matter-of-factly.  
“And my man isn’t you.” I retorted, “And I’m perfectly fine with that.”  
“You don’t even know his real name. How is that something you can live with? You know absolutely nothing about him and he’s the father of your child. Don’t you sit back and think about that, think about the implications of that? What will you do when your child grows up, asks questions about who you are? What are you going to say, ‘oh Mommy and Daddy were criminals so now we have fake identities and hide out in another country in order to avoid imprisonment for life’?” Bruce inquired.  
I felt super uncomfortable, “We haven’t discussed that. That’s not your business anyway. We will raise our child the way we want to. I refuse to defend my parenting methods, however limited they may be. I don’t see you and Selina exactly agreeing on what to tell Edward as he gets older.”   
“And I reserve the right to not talk about that, either.”   
“Ok.” I said, “Can I go now? I’m done with this conversation. I need to get home; he’s going to start getting concerned because I said I’d be back by now.”  
“What were you doing before you came here?” he asked.  
“Going on a job interview. I want to work again.” I answered shortly.  
“He’s going to allow you to do that?” he seemed surprised.  
“It’s not 1955; women can work, you know.”   
“I didn’t mean it that way.”  
“Then what way did you mean it?” I was getting impatient and anxious. This conversation was so not what I had planned in my agenda today.  
“I mean, he doesn’t want you to help him take care of Olivia?”   
“He doesn’t mind if working makes me feel fulfilled. Being a mother is wonderful but I need something else to do. Is that a fucking crime?” I was starting to sound petulant, like a whining teenager getting in a fruitless argument with her parents.  
“I don’t want to make you upset.”  
“Again, too late.” I stared him down, “Now, look, did you say everything you need to say? Because I know I’m done talking. I’ve been done talking. I want to go home and be with my boyfriend and my child. I don’t want to be here with you anymore.”  
“Yes, I’m done.” He appeared relieved, and at the same time, kind of defeated.  
Honestly, I didn’t give a fuck at the moment.  
“Alright. I’ll see you never.” I said, getting up, “Please leave. I need to pay.”  
“Let me at least pay for your lunch.” He offered, fumbling for his wallet.  
“No. Get up, walk out of this restaurant, and don’t talk to me. That’s how you can pay me back for this lovely detour in my day.” I snapped, “I’m going to wait until you leave.”  
“Ok, ok.” He said, standing up, “I’m going to go, then.”  
“Thank you.”   
He started to make some weird gesture like he was going to hug me, but I stiffened. He saw my body language change, so he put his arms down, “Goodbye, Harley.”  
“Bye-bye.” I waved/shooed him away with my hands.  
Once he had walked ever so painfully slowly out of the café, I paid my bill and left. What started out as a good day turned to absolute shit. He had that effect on me. He was such a dick, specifically seeking me out just to rehash old stupid things about our past. It made me irrationally angry that he would do that. I know he was probably hurting, thinking about Selina and what she was doing with Pam, and wondering if she was going to leave him. He did have that certain penchant for driving women away from him. At this point I just wanted to go home and try to forget this had happened.  
Of course, these things have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.


	6. In This Maze with You

Chapter 6: In This Maze with You

And baby, it’s amazing that I’m in this maze with you  
I just can’t crack your code  
One day you’re screaming you love me loud  
The next day you’re so cold  
One day you’re here, one day you’re there, one day you care  
It’s so unfair  
\- “Holy Grail”, Jay-Z feat. Justin Timberlake

“How did the interview go?” the Joker asked as I walked through the door.   
“Honestly, pretty well, I think.” I said, putting my purse down on the foyer table, “It’s what happened after that didn’t go so well.”  
He gave me a puzzled look, so I elaborated, “Bruce showed up at the restaurant where I was having lunch.”  
He rolled his eyes, “Of course. And what Brucey have to say?”  
“Just the same old bullshit, why didn’t you love me, why doesn’t anybody love me…a lot of whining, basically. And Selina went back to the states to make up with Pam. Yikes.” I cringed, “I have a feeling that’s going to get nice and ugly real fast. I mean, honestly, like Selina is the worst human being on earth and she’s a sorry excuse for anybody’s girlfriend and I knew that Pam shouldn’t trust and –” I stopped when I saw the contemptible look on his face, “What?”  
“He still has feelings for you.”  
“That’s not even a thing. That’s less than a thing.” I shrugged, “It’s not the point of the conversation even. He just wanted to vent to me.”  
“Why does he want to do that, though?” he retorted.  
“Color me fucking confused because it sounds like you’re accusing me of something.” I folded my arms across my chest, my instinctual defensive move against an argument. It’s like I fortified myself for what was coming next.  
“I just don’t see the need for him to continue talking to you. I mean, I think I’ve been pretty patient with you considering the Bruce situation. The dude almost killed me, for God’s sake! I think he still harbors a lot of feelings for you, Harley. He really does. It’s like he can’t stay away from you for any length of time. He always seems to find his way back, like a lost fucking puppy.”  
“You think I want him to do that?” I fired back. Now I was getting angry, “You really seriously think I want this? He’s a complete ass-hole who fucked over my best friend and also cheated on me. I will never forgive him for either of those things and obviously I cannot have feelings for someone I have that much hatred towards. Use your head instead of getting pissed off about something stupid that doesn’t even concern you.”   
“How does this not concern me?” he snapped, “He keeps invading on our love life and every single time he tries to come back in, you get all weird and emotional and you will never get over that relationship if he keeps coming back around you.”  
“You think I don’t know that?” I was in disbelief, “I just got done saying all of these things to him and I’ve said them to him multiple times. He just doesn’t get it at all. I think he’s so profoundly unhappy and nostalgic that he longs for a time when we were together; for what reason, I don’t know. When I get nostalgic I sure as hell don’t think about him. I think about a time when my parents were alive and everything was normal and –”  
“Ok, wait, wait, wait,” he interjected, holding up his hand, “We’re not going there with the parents thing again.”  
“You still don’t think it’s weird that I am fake married to the man who killed my parents?”  
“I killed them on accident. I killed John on purpose.”  
“I have not forgotten about that.” I pointed out, “I’m not sure how I am going to forget about that really ever, to be honest.”  
“He was a douchebag.”   
“He was not a douchebag. He was a normal person, unlike everybody else in my life. I can’t ever go back to that town again. I can’t ever go back to that normal kind of life again. I have to keep starting over because of you and it’s not like I care about that, I really don’t. It just sucks to have to keep starting over as a new person and having to remember the false details of your life. I know that I am not Harleen Quinzel anymore; I am never going to be her again because of you and I still am not totally sure how I feel about that. This whole existential crisis thing is getting very old.”   
“I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”   
“I just want you to tell me that this is all worth it.” I snapped, “I want you to tell me that I made the right decision in staying with you, having a child with you. Some days I don’t feel like it is.”  
“I shouldn’t have to tell you that this is the right decision! You are a grown-ass adult and you can’t make that decision for yourself? You are the most insecure person I’ve ever met, Harley, and I dealt with criminals with worse backgrounds than you!”  
I narrowed my eyes at him, “I am NOT insecure. Don’t even talk to me like that.”  
“You left the house so normal this morning. Why does Bruce Wayne always turn you into such a sniveling coward? He makes you question everything that you do and I don’t know why you allow him to have that effect on you.”  
I was speechless…mostly because it was true.  
He stared at me, “Oh, no witty retort? No barb to intentionally hurt me?”  
“Bruce doesn’t…he’s an ass.” I fumbled to express myself eloquently.  
“Well, that I do know.” He exhaled, sounding exhausted, “I am so sick of this. I really thought we were rid of him. I never imagined the Batman would interfere so much in my love life.”  
“He isn’t the Batman anymore.” I pointed out. I had to wonder who took over that role in the meantime since Bruce wasn’t exactly getting younger…but that’s not the point.  
He merely gave me a deadpan look, “I am getting weary of this back and forth arguing bullshit. At this point, I want to know whether you’re in or you’re out of this relationship.”  
My heart skipped a beat. I felt all the air suck out of the room.  
“What?” I barely heard myself say.  
“Harleen, I am tired of the games that you play. I know how you are.”   
“Oh, really? And how am I exactly?” I asked, fighting the urge to burst into tears. But no, I had to remain strong, no emotion could be shown right now. I had to be a stone, the unmoved mover in this relationship.  
He sat on the arm of the couch in our living room, the velvety one that I always took my naps on with Olivia, the one where we watched television together and when I was pregnant he would eat solidarity mac and cheese with any weird ingredient I decided to throw in. A couch that had memories. It had a stain on the furthest left cushion because I dropped ketchup on it and it wouldn’t come out. Memories of a life we had put together.  
“You are a person who can’t connect. In fact, you disconnect from everything so that you don’t have to feel anything at all. You want to be the person who comes out on top, the one who isn’t hurt by what happens to you. You move along from tragedy to tragedy with nothing but a half-hearted smile and a feeling of complete righteousness. I know you aren’t a cold person, but you disconnect when you don’t want to feel. You want to shove it all inside of you and make yourself forget that bad things have happened to you. You don’t want to grieve. If you do grieve, you won’t let anyone help you. You’re the most stubborn bitch I know. You have your flaws. You make me compliment you even though you know you look beautiful. You feel the need to point out that you’re smarter than most people because you a fancy doctorate degree. I don’t care about any of that, no matter how much it hurts me. It’s because I truly love you. I don’t want to change you ever. I don’t want you to stop being the person I fell in love with. I know that a life together comes with goods and bads. I know we have to get through the storm together. I know we have to raise this child together no matter what happens. But what I cannot deal with is the fact that you can never admit that you love me. You cannot allow yourself one weakness, if you can call that a weakness. You’re so bogged down by the past and every bad thing that someone has said or done to you that you can’t focus on what you have right now. You are constantly trying to fight against what has already happened, to fix something that can’t be fixed. You are being a selfish, negligent human being and I don’t want to go any longer without saying that to you.”  
I stared at him for a good long time. I knew that literally everything he said to me was right. He had nailed down every single little nuanced part of me that I couldn’t bring myself ever to say out loud.   
“You’re wrong that I never tell you that I love you. I do love you. I am saying it right now. I know you’re probably thinking that it’s being insincere because you pointed it out but I do love you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have done half the things I did because of you. I wouldn’t have had a child with you, being the most obvious. I don’t want you to think that I don’t. I just have a harder time admitting that to you. I guess I played that game with myself for so long that it became a part of my personality.” I grabbed his hand, clinging to it tightly, “What hurts out of everything that you’ve said is that you don’t think that I love you. Please don’t ever think that I don’t.”  
“I’m sorry for saying that.” He sounded pretty genuine, “But you need to admit that everything else is true for me to really believe you.”  
I inhaled sharply. Me, admitting my feelings. That’s pretty vulnerable. That’s not the tough bitch I want to be. But I need to salvage this relationship. Without him, I have nothing.  
“Ok…well, you know how hard this is for me to put out there, but…” I took a shuddering breath, “Everything that you said about my flaws is accurate to who I am. I think that you know me way too well and it’s a little scary that you know that much, but I believe all of what you have said is true, barring the ‘I don’t love you’ situation. I want you to forgive me for being selfish. I shouldn’t be selfish. I have everything I need right here.”  
He stared at me, right in the eyes, until it got almost a little uncomfortable, but he finally pulled me into his arms, “I know that was difficult for you to do.”  
“You’re telling me, ass-hole.” I mumbled into his shirt, and he laughed.   
“At least I put a smile on your face.” I said.  
“Yeah, you did.” He stroked my back, “Can I please murder Bruce Wayne? It’ll be my last murder ever, I promise.”  
“No murdering.” I scolded, pulling away from him, “Bad. Bad. Bad.”  
“I guess I shouldn’t. He does have a child to take care of and now I’m all sentimental because I am a dad or something.” He said, grimacing, “I guess having a baby has changed me too.”  
“Yeah we have to be responsible for a mini-human and that’s pretty daunting.” I looked around, “Speaking of, where is aforementioned mini-human?”  
“I clearly let her play with fire and fall out of a second story window because I am very irresponsible.” The Joker said, dead-pan.  
“Oh, thank you, thank you very much for doing that. I am sure she can fend for herself in the wilderness. I am hoping that the wolves take pity on her and raise her. All of our problems are solved.”   
“You took that sarcasm a little too far.”   
“Yeah, I know.”  
“If only that wasn’t normal for you.” He smirked and I smacked his forearm.   
“Don’t be an ass.”   
“That’s my natural state of being. It’s too late for me.”   
“We’re just such messes of human beings. Who let us produce a child?” I asked, shaking my head.  
“The universe.” And, after I looked at him for a moment, he added, “…and me tampering with your birth control.”  
“That’s better. And what will we never do ever again, lest I chop your head off?” I asked.  
“Tamper with your birth control.” He said dejectedly.  
“Right answer, bud.” I straightened, “I’m sorry for making you worry.”   
“You always make me worry. I am not the jealous type, Harley, but I will cut a bitch. That bitch being Bruce Wayne.”  
“Blargh.” I said in response and went into the kitchen.  
“That’s not an appropriate reaction.”   
“Blargh.” I said again and grabbed a granola bar. I didn’t really get to finish my meal because my stomach was upset by Bruce being there. I had such a visceral reaction whenever he was around or when I thought about him; mostly it made me queasy and uncomfortable. I know it wasn’t very mature of me, but it was just that kind of relationship that I would never forget about.   
“In other news since you’re clearly done talking about this situation, how did the interview go?” At least he remembered and he could get me back on track.  
“Oh, actually, it went good. I don’t know if it went super well, they do have other candidates but I stand a pretty good chance overall. I have a lot of experience and knew how to answer the questions sufficiently so that should get me at least a second interview.” I said, munching on my granola bar, “They said they will call me in the next couple of days.”  
“Oh well that’s good news.” He said, “I’m sure it’ll be fine. I think you’ll get a second interview but I may be a bit biased.”  
“You would say that even if I did terribly, and I appreciate that you give me that kind of support.” I smiled, kissing him, “Did you ever have a job? Like, a real job?”  
A strange look passed over his face, “Um…yeah, I guess at one time. I wouldn’t count it as a real job.”  
“Really?” I said, throwing out my granola bar wrapper, “Like, you worked at a fast food place or something? DID YOU WORK AT MCDONALD’S???”  
“I’m glad that’s the first place you went with that.” He raised an eyebrow, “And no, it was an office job, paper pusher type thing.”  
“I can’t imagine that to save my life.” I said, marinating on that. I tried to picture the Joker in like a suit, answering phones in a bored monotone, and I almost burst out laughing but I thought that would be rude so I held it in…barely.  
“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” he asked.  
“You know me all too well, my friend.” I said, giggling uncontrollably.  
“I didn’t stay there long, if you were wondering.”   
“Yeah I mean I’m sure you completed your bank heist and you were like yeah this is cool I am going to be a psychopathic criminal now.” I gave him a sarcastic look and he returned it.  
“Ha ha ha, funny stuff. We should call you the Joker instead.”  
“I am already a harlequin. Close enough.” I shrugged, “But tell me more. You’ve never talked to me about your life before you were a criminal. Like, what made you want to do that?”  
His face suddenly dropped, very serious. Olivia began to cry upstairs, almost on cue. He jumped up, “I’ll go check on her.”  
I opened my mouth to say something but he had bolted from the kitchen as fast as I had ever seen him go. I leaned back against the kitchen counter, pensive. What was he trying to hide from me? I thought we were past this. I only knew some snippets of his past, and I took it as progress that he even mentioned something like that in front of me. When he talked about his life, it was always after he became a criminal; the stuff he did to annoy Batman and the Gotham police, his minions, funny mishaps that happened during bank robberies or kidnappings. I mean, not that that’s funny, but he thought it was.   
It was sort of strange to think that he had a normal life before being a criminal. That’s always how I imagined him. I mean obviously he didn’t come out of the womb that way, but he literally NEVER talked about anyone personally, other than how his father was abusive and his mother was weak-willed and that he left home when he was 17, 18 years old and never looked back. What I am saying is I didn’t know about the integral parts of him, like how he even got those scars. When I really sat down and thought about it, it bothered me, but most of the time I just pushed it back and deemed it not worthwhile to discuss.   
I just had a feeling that those things were going to catch up with us someday and now that day had pretty much arrived. I went upstairs and found him cradling Olivia, feeding her a bottle. It was such a domestic scene but I had to ruin it.  
I stood in the doorway until he looked up, “What?”  
“We need to have a conversation.”  
“About?”  
“Your secrets.” I said, “Are you really going to hide your life from your daughter? From me?”  
After a moment’s very tense pause, he exhaled and said, “I figured we would come to this moment sooner or later. I will tell you.”


	7. I Am a Champion

Chapter 7: I Am a Champion

You held me down, but I got up  
Get ready because I’ve had enough  
I see it all, I see it now  
I’ve got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire  
Because I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar.  
\- “Roar”, Katy Perry

New York City, Pamela’s apartment

I woke up this morning to some unfamiliar figure, my head splitting from the night before. Ugh. How many rum and cokes did I have to drink before I got the idea that they lead to bad decisions? I rubbed my already aching temples and stood up, looking at my clothes lying haphazardly around the floor. I just didn’t give a fuck at the moment so I went straight for the shower, hoping this stranger would just leave at some point while I was in the bathroom. I closed the door behind me, stepping into the shower and letting the hot water attempt to wash off my shame.   
I thought about how many times I had been in this position this month alone, and I decided to stop counting because it made me sad. Men, women, it didn’t matter, I just was trying to find some kind of companionship for the night. I guess that makes me a whore, but I was hurting. I wondered sometimes what Selina would think of me acting like this. Ever since she came back for that “so-called closure”, my life went on this downward spiral. I thought I was ok when she left, I thought, ‘yeah I’m upset but I’ll be ok, I’ll get through it’. And I did. I did everything I could to forget her for the time being. I didn’t talk to her, I didn’t think about her. I went about my life.   
She came to see me and she tried to tell me that I was going to be alright and that she was going to be alright and everything was going to work out. I know that it will but at the time, I didn’t even want to look her in the eye. She just had this whole air of ‘well you’re hurting but I’m not, I’m just trying to make myself feel better by talking to you’, which pissed me off. I didn’t want to be condescended to like a child. I knew all along that she loved Bruce. I just didn’t want to believe it. I wasn’t completely surprised; she told me in one of our more heated arguments that she would have rather been with Bruce. That fact didn’t hurt me anymore. The fact that she actually went through with it did hurt me. I thought she would be more mature than to just pack up during the night and leave without so much as an I’m sorry for this. That hurt. That hurt badly.   
We slept together that night. It’s something I regret. I’m never going to tell Harley because I know she would freak the fuck out. It was really stupid of me, but the woman is like a sexual magnet. It’s scary how easy it is to fall under her spell. I mean, at this point, us sleeping together means nothing. She went back to Venice to be with Bruce and I was left alone once again.   
I quit that whole Wyoming bullshit. I sold the house to a farmer who was looking to expand his property and I peaced out, went to New York, back to where I really felt at home. I had nothing but clothes to take with me in the end. Selina had taken all of Edward’s baby things, and thank God for that because it was would have broken my heart entirely.   
I went to New York, got an apartment, and started trying to remember what it was like to be me again. It felt odd, not being a partner to anyone, not even having Harley around. She was off being a normal person in Italy. Not that I don’t love her dearly, sometimes it is just too hard to speak to her because she is so happy with her life and I am so…clearly not. I know that if she knew I was suffering this much, she would be here in a minute but I am not going to let her walk away from that life because I am not completely sure she would actually go back, to be honest. She loves him, but she’ll look for any excuse to run away. I’m sure you can see that.  
Anyway, I realized that I was standing in the shower for probably much longer than I had anticipated so I got out and toweled myself off, fully believing that when I got out, this stranger would be long gone. I was trying to remember who this person was, whether it was even a guy or a girl, because apparently I had turned bisexual in my drunken stupor. That was a bit of shock when I woke up next to a dude one morning. I mean, I did like guys before but I hadn’t wanted to be with one in a very long time. He was very nice about it; he just said his awkward goodbyes and left. Women are harder to get rid of, I’ve found. They like to talk about it and I’m just like eww please just get out and leave me to wallow in self-pity.   
When I walked back into the bedroom to start retrieving my clothes, I noticed that this person was still in my bed. Ok, now this wasn’t going to work. I kept walking around, making some noises like opening and closing drawers loudly and coughing at an exaggerated volume, but nothing worked. I stood there in my towel, hands folded across my chest. Bitch (or bastard?) better not be dead in my bed. I did not need that right now.  
I decided I might as well just deal with it. I walked over to the bed, pulling over the covers. It was a youngish looking woman (I breathed a sigh of relief) with strawberry-blonde hair and olive skin. She was thin but with some normal woman curves, definitely my type. After she realized that the covers had been removed, she started stirring. She opened her eyes (they were hazel, I noticed) and she seemed to be a little confused, naturally. She looked down at the bed, and then looked up at me.   
“Did we…?” her eyes widened, decidedly pretty shocked.  
“Yeah as far as I can tell.” I shrugged, “You are a heavy sleeper.”  
“Yeah, I don’t sleep much these days, being a doctoral candidate.” She sighed, “God, I’m so stupid sometimes.”  
A doctoral candidate? At least she was smart.   
“Oh, what are you studying?” I figured I might as well make a little conversation.  
“I study library science at Columbia, specifically the classifications and restoration of rare documents in governmental libraries. I want to work at the Library of Congress someday, that’s my dream job.” She flushed, “I’m rambling.”   
“No, that’s alright. You just seem very…ambitious. I have all but my dissertation for my doctorate in biology, botany, to be more exact.” I said. I didn’t why I was sharing so much information about my personal life but she seemed kind of nice, kind of normal, to be honest.   
“What’s your name again? I feel terrible asking because I’m sure I asked you last night but…”  
“Pamela – I mean, well, Pam Isley.” I corrected myself, “I don’t remember yours either, so don’t feel bad.”  
“Barbara Gordon, but most people call me Barbie or Barb. My parents call me Babs, but I don’t really like it.” She shrugged, “It was just a nickname that stuck.”  
Gordon…that was a familiar name.   
“Is your dad a politician or something? I’ve heard your last name before.” I figured I should just ask.  
“Oh, he’s the police commissioner of Gotham.” She said casually, as if it didn’t mean anything.   
Commissioner Gordon?! I didn’t really know much about him, but um, well, I am a criminal so it’s not exactly a good plan to get involved with the commissioner’s daughter. A little bit of a conflict of interest there.  
“Don’t be intimidated by that. My father is a really good man; he was a great father when he was around. Being a cop is a very time-consuming job.” She said, pulling on her navy blue top, “God, this night was such a mistake. Do you know where my phone is?”  
“Yeah, I think it’s in the kitchen. Let me go look.” I stood up, and wandered into the kitchen. I found a phone on the counter and picked it up. I happened to click the home button and saw that she had 5 missed text messages and 2 missed calls from a Dick Grayson. Jesus Christ, you’ve got to be kidding me. Bruce’s sidekick? I would never be rid of him. I almost wanted to throw that phone against the wall but I obviously restrained myself.  
I pretended like I didn’t read it and handed it to her. She groaned outwardly, “Agh, Dick…”   
“Who?” I asked innocently.  
“Oh, he’s just my ex.” She rolled her eyes, “We’re on a break right now because he claimed ‘he needed space’ to deal with his job and that his job is so demanding and blah blah blah, a bunch of that kind of bullshit that a guy uses when they want to blow you off. When he gets drunk he decides to call me and leave me messages telling me about how much he misses me and he loves me. I’m deleting them.”  
She promptly did just that.   
“Wait, so are you…like, bisexual?” I asked, feeling stupid as it came out of my mouth.  
“Well, that’s complicated, I guess. I am for the most part, but I generally prefer men. I went through an experimental phase in college and just ended up dating men, but I enjoy relationships with women once in a while, you know? Dick knows that about me, but he’s never been super alright with it. I never seriously dated a girl so he didn’t have to worry about any ex’s showing up or anything. What about you?”   
I was surprised at how open she was about it. It was a very honest answer. It impressed me.   
“I always dated men too, actually, and I had a relationship with my married dissertation mentor. It was not a good idea, obviously, but I thought I was in love with him.” I looked at her, and she was nodding in agreement, so I continued, “But he did experiments on me and it just became too much so I dropped out of school. I couldn’t be around him anymore. I decided after that that I was done with men, so I’ve only dated women since then. I was in a serious thing with a woman up until a few months ago, but it…ended miserably.”  
“I’m sorry to hear that.” She seemed genuine in her response, “Love fucking sucks.”  
“Amen to that.” I said, smiling a little.   
“Well, I think that this discussion merits more time.” Barbara said, standing up, “Shall we go get some brunch? I need some motherfucking coffee and something greasy ASAP.”  
I surprised myself by saying, “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll get dressed.”  
Well, I guess things are going to have to get complicated.


	8. Freed from the Lies

Chapter 8: Freed from the Lies

Now I’ll be bold as well as strong  
And use my head alongside my heart  
So tame my flesh and fix my eyes  
A tethered mind freed from the lies  
\- “I Will Wait”, Mumford and Sons 

The Joker was staring at me. I was staring at him. I really had no idea what was going to come out of his mouth at this point. I think I had always imagined what it would be like to find out about his real life, what he was before I met him. I only had a fuzzy picture at best, a sort of fantastical demented fairytale that started with him being a bad guy and me making him into a good guy. What was he going to tell me? Was I going to be shocked? Was I going to freak out, run away? Maybe that was what he was scared of right now, the reason that he never told me about his past.   
He stood up, and he put Olivia back down in her crib, “Let’s go downstairs. I don’t want to disturb her.”  
“Ok,” I agreed, following him wordlessly into the living room. We settled down on the couch, me pulling my legs to my chest.   
He cleared his throat, “I figured it was going to have to come to this eventually. I suppose I knew it when I decided I was going to stay with you. When I met you, Harley, I knew you were special, that you were someone I could trust. I don’t know exactly what it was about you, but you just struck me as someone who would understand me. Not so much as be sympathetic because you’re the furthest thing from that –”  
I narrowed my eyes at him, but he ignored me and continued, “Obviously, I’ve changed you over the years. I am not so blind as to know that you were not going to be the same person after meeting me. I thought about letting you go so many times. I knew I always would love you, no matter how many times you betrayed me, you ran away from me, you almost married someone else…you can imagine how much I hurt because of you. A little part of me kept saying, ‘she’s going to come back to you’ every single time. Here you are. You came back every time. I knew that even though you strayed and as much as drove me insane, you were going to come back. Selfishly, I wanted to keep you and I knew that the only way I could get you to stay with me was by having a child with me, by having that link to me forever.”  
He stopped and looked at me, expecting a reaction. I mean, how was I supposed to react to that? At least he was telling me the truth. I couldn’t exactly fault him for that.  
“Just…talk. I don’t want to talk. I’ve done enough of that.” I said quietly.  
He held my hand, “Anyway, let me start at the beginning. I was born in New York City, same as you, but not in a penthouse apartment. When my parents had me, they didn’t have much money; they weren’t in poverty, but we lived paycheck to paycheck. I don’t know if they were ever really happy together. I never asked them anything about what they were like before me. They never had any other children. I’m not sure why, really. Maybe my mom couldn’t or maybe she didn’t want the extra economic stress, I wish I would have found out. She worked at a corner store a couple blocks from our apartment and my dad used to be a cop. Ironic, I know. He became an alcoholic when I was very young. He started with just a few beers at night and then it became an all-day affair. He started drinking at work. Drinking and driving. Not exactly a good plan when you’re a cop.”  
I shook my head in response, agreeing with him.  
“He was forced to resign from the force. He got another job working third shift at some factory, stressful for him, so he drank more. It just became his life. He started getting violent, angry. At first it was just a slap here or there, then it became worse. He was beating my mom, he was beating me. I was 11 or 12 at the time when he almost killed her. I waited until he passed out and I took her to the hospital. I told the police what happened. We went back there, got all of our stuff, and moved out. I didn’t see him again until he died. I was 20. He died of some kind of cancer, complications from all the drinking. My mom refused to go to the funeral. I went. There was almost no one there, just some of his coworkers, my aunt and uncle and cousins, and a scattering of other family members.”  
“That’s very sad.” I said, feeling at a loss for any other possible sentiment.  
“It was.” He said, and he was silent for a minute, “I said almost nothing at the funeral. People came up to me, offered their condolences, and I don’t remember what I said to any of them. I just remember looking at his body, his face that I hadn’t seen in 8 years. He looked so withered away. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day.”  
I squeezed his hand, “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”  
“It’s not your fault by any means. My father was a depressed man; he had a lot of problems that he could never fix. I don’t regret that I didn’t see him before he died. My life, even though it was still difficult, got much better after we left. I finished high school, went to a local community college for a couple of years and I got a job at this law firm.”  
“You were going to be a lawyer?” I asked incredulously.  
“No, no, no. I was just an intern. It was something to get me by while I thought about what to do next. I didn’t love it, really, but it was a job. It was one of those jobs where you get treated like crap for doing all the bitch work. Every person goes through it, I know, but I just went through the day-to-day and hoped it would get better. I was not the confident man that you see before you today. I used to be really timid, unsure of myself. Part of it was the abuse, I’m sure. Anyway, I was unhappy, but I liked having money and living on my own, so I couldn’t leave.”   
“So, if everything kind of reached this point of normalcy in your life, what happened that made it so bad? What made you become this way?” I asked. I didn’t mean it to come out accusatory, but it sounded like it did.  
He looked at me sharply, “I’m getting to that. We haven’t even reached the painful parts.”  
“Oh,” I said, demure.   
“Well, here’s where things get complicated. I got promoted to being an administrative assistant to one of the partners at the firm. It was alright for the most part, but I still did bitch work. One night I was out with some of my coworkers at a bar near the office and…well, I met someone that became very special to me. Her name was Jean Howard…Jeannie.” I saw a look pass through his eyes that I had never seen before; it was pure emotional pain, “We dated for over a year, and then I proposed to her. We, um…” He didn’t even deign to look me in the eye as he said this, “We got married when I was 21.”  
I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach and it felt like the whole world had stopped. He was married?! Married to someone else? I just heard the sound of invisible glass shattering my ears.   
I didn’t hear some of the next things he said, but he continued, “…and I can’t say it was the happiest marriage. She told me I was being a coward for staying at my job, for allowing myself to be bossed around all the time. We had some troubles at first, but we got through them. After we were married for about a year and a half, she got pregnant.”  
I was frozen to the couch, paralyzed completely. I thought about our own child upstairs. My mind was running wild. Where is this other woman, this other child? It would have to be about 7 or 8 years old now. Had he been running away from them this whole time?  
He stared at me, searching for some kind of response, “Are you alright?”  
I merely shook my head, “I…I don’t know what to say. Just finish your story.”  
“Alright,” he held tightly onto my hand, as if he was afraid I was going to run away screaming (and I was seriously contemplating just that very thing at the moment), “I was so happy. I really wanted a child, to give that child a new life, a father that I never had. I worked harder, but I got laid off because the company was making budget cuts. I didn’t know to tell Jeannie, who was 3 months pregnant at the time, that I had lost my job and wasn’t going to provide for her and our child. I looked for work, but only found a part-time thing at a grocery store. I got desperate, worried I wasn’t going to make the rent. I…I got into some bad shit then. I started by robbing a liquor store with a couple of my coworkers, then it started becoming almost a weekly thing. Jeannie had no idea. I told her I was going out at night because I wanted to do stand-up comedy…what a fucking joke. No pun intended. At least I was paying rent. One day, I went out to break into a vault at one of the local banks, a pretty big job, a pretty big sum of cash. The job went pretty much without a hitch and I started heading home. My cell phone rang. It was the hospital. They said that our carbon monoxide alarm had been broken and it filled the apartment. Jeannie, along with our unborn child, had asphyxiated and died.”  
My hands flew to my mouth with a gasp. He wiped at his eyes. They were a little misty with tears, tears I am sure he had been holding back for a long time.   
“I…well, other than my dad dying, that the worst day of my life. I had a nervous breakdown. If I hadn’t been out that night, I would have died, too. I regret it every single day that I didn’t look at that detector. I should have fixed it like she told me to. I didn’t listen. I was too busy being a criminal and lying to her. No, she wasn’t perfect by any means; she was rude to me a lot of the time and I think we had the baby to solve our marital problems which wasn’t a good idea anyway, but I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her, especially to our child. The day after her funeral, I moved out of our apartment and became a criminal. I had nothing left to live for. I didn’t care if I got arrested, if I got shot. It didn’t matter. After a little while, I improved in spirit. I started gaining a reputation, started getting some followers to go with me in my spree. I changed my clothes. I dressed like a cheap comedian, a cheap clown, like I told Jeannie I was. People are scared of the clown. People were never scared of me, never bowed down to me. Now they did.”  
This explained so much, yet I still had more questions, “Well, how did you get your scars, then? You missed that part.”   
“Oh, yeah, I guess that would be important to talk about, right?” he laughed, instinctively touching them as he did, “Well, I got into a bad drug deal with this Mexican mafia guy, Garcia was his name. I was a middle man in some cocaine action between Mexico and New York. I messed up the transport schedule and the truck carrying it got re-routed somewhere else. It never got to New York and it was a couple million dollar deal. It was a big fuck-up. I thought I was going to get shot or worse. Garcia’s guys came and got me in the middle of the night and took me to him. He tried to make me talk but I was being stubborn and denied I had anything to do with that to try to save myself. He took the knife to my mouth and…well…you know the rest. He left me there, bleeding until one of my guys helped me out. They stitched them back up and here I am today. I know it’s kind of an anti-climactic story.”  
“Well, I guess it makes sense.” I admitted, and I stared at him for a good long time. I then leaned forward and embraced him. We were silent for I’m not really entirely sure how long, but all I wanted to do was just show him that I still loved him despite everything he had told me.   
He pulled away, searching my eyes, “Are you alright? Do you have any more questions for me? Tell me what you’re feeling.”  
“I…I, um, I am not totally sure how I feel right at the moment. I’m really beyond happy that you shared all of this with me. It makes me realize that you really do love me. I imagine that not many people know about these parts of your life.”  
“No, actually, just you and a select few of my henchmen maybe know a couple of details.” He said, “But you’re the person I’ve told everything to so far.”  
“I can’t believe you were married before me, that she was pregnant. I think that’s what surprised me the most. I guess I was just naïve in thinking that I was the only one you had ever loved. I mean, you fell in love with some woman named Jean. Gross.” I wrinkled my nose.  
“I’m glad that’s what you’re taking out of this situation.” He had to smile a little, “Always concerned about the most important things, my Harley.”  
I rolled my eyes, “You know what I mean. I think I will consider her as being part of your pre-Harley life, which was obviously much more boring than life post-Harley.”   
“Yeah, that’s for damn sure.” The Joker chuckled, “Even though I loved her, I was a completely different person then. You are the part that matters most now, you and Olivia. I love you both so much. Now you see why I’ve done what I’ve done to get to this point. All I’ve wanted since I met you was to go back to a normal existence like I had before. Yes, I did get a high from being a criminal; it was unpredictable and fast-paced and I was afraid for my life, but I loved every minute of it. But I got tired of that life. That’s why we’re here. We’re going to be happier this way, don’t you think?”  
I paused, “Well, yeah, I think it’s a much easier life. We’ve both been through a lot in the past 3 years and I have to admit it’s been better for things to be predictable. It’s better to not be scared all the time and be worried about getting arrested. I also didn’t exactly like the set of humans we had to be around in our criminal lifestyle.”  
“Yeah, your ex-boyfriend being one of them.”   
“Shut up.” I said automatically, “And also, you missed another part of your story.”  
He cocked his head, puzzled, “What’s that?”  
“Your fucking real name, idiot.”   
“Oh, well, that’s a story for another time.”  
“Are you serious?” I snapped, “I just listened to this whole spiel about your sob story life before me and I listened with every part of my being, and you can’t even tell me your real name?! You don’t think I’ve deserved that?!”  
“Not yet.” He grinned, and got up from the couch, “I’m going to check on Olivia. Don’t forget to confirm your airplane tickets on Wednesday. What time do you need to get to the airport?”  
Oh, right, I was flying out to see my sister in like 3 days. I needed to pack.  
“Probably around 4 on Thursday afternoon. Will you help me start packing after dinner? It’s going to take a while because I need to pack for like a week.” I said, following him up the stairs.  
“Yeah, I can help. Have you decided if you are going to stay with Pam or not?” he asked.  
“I’m probably going to Omaha for like 4 days to get everything put together for the wedding, and then spending the next two-ish days with Pam in New York. Speaking of her, I’d better call her before she goes to bed so I can confirm with her about times and stuff. Would you excuse me?”   
“Take your time.”  
I went into our bedroom and dialed Pam’s cell number. It rang a few times and then she finally picked up. It sounded like she was out somewhere because it was very loud and there were dissonant chords of voices and music in the background.  
“Hello?” I said loudly.  
“Hey Harley!” she exclaimed, “What’s up?”  
“Are you ok to talk? It sounds like you’re busy.”   
“Yeah, yeah, I’m just out at this bar.”   
I looked at the clock. It would be about 10:30 PM in New York.   
“Oh, ok, well I just wanted to check and make sure that I can still come next Friday and spend the weekend with you. I need you to pick me up from the airport on Friday morning around 9 AM, is that going to be doable for you? If not, I can get a cab.” I asked.   
“No, no, no, not at all, I would be more than happy to come get you! You know what? Call me tomorrow afternoon. I’m out with some friends right now and I don’t want to be rude to either of you, ok? I’m sorry!”   
“No, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. Enjoy yourself!”   
“Ok, bye!” she hung before I could say anything else.  
It felt a little weird to know that she was out there again. I wondered if she was actually alright. She seemed kind of distracted lately; always tired or hung over or a variation of both. I worried about her habits because she was the type that could get a little over the top when something bad happened to her. I worried because she loved Selina so deeply and I know it had to cut her to the bone when Selina left her. She clearly never got over her old professor. That ended really nicely, as you may recall.   
Still, I did want her to be happy. I sat on the bed, thinking about how much my life had changed since I left New York. I missed it so much sometimes; I missed the constant movement and lights and the people always walking around, shopping, talking on the phone or with friends, couples holding hands in the park. It was such a great city. Not that I am complaining about living in Italy by any means; Venice is a dream. A complete and utter dream. In a weird way, I just missed being around people who are more energetic and fast-talking, hurried and frazzled. Nobody in Italy is frazzled or concerned with time; they enjoy talking with friends over dinner for hours and time escapes them. It was cool, but I was not accustomed to it yet.   
I peered into Olivia’s room and saw the Joker sleeping in the chair next to her crib. I smiled and put a blanket over him. I picked up Olivia and went downstairs. I turned the television on at a low volume and just rocked her for a while. She was such a peaceful child; she didn’t cry much at all and she always seemed just very wide-eyed and curious about everything. She was more like him in that way. He was the quieter one in the relationship, but I was a shy child, I remembered. I wished fleetingly that my parents were here to see me and to help me, to give my advice about my child. It was pretty upsetting to think that I couldn’t just pick up the phone and ask them. They have been gone for a while, but it still hurts, and especially now it hurts even more.   
Without really even knowing it, I realized I was crying. I wiped away the renegade tears. I didn’t need this right now. I had to be strong, considering everything that he had just told me. I was prepared for most of the things he said, like his childhood and his menial job and even how he got his scars didn’t shock me all that much, but the fact that he had a wife…it gnawed at my stomach. Obviously she had been a huge part of his life and I appreciated him telling me about it. I never thought that I would learn that much about him, but we had a child now. If something ever happened to either of us, I want her to know about us, the good and the bad, the uncomfortable and upsetting things that both of us had done. My life was not without its drama, the tragic and dramatic narrative and I was to blame for some of it.   
I felt comforted that at least I knew more about him, that I wasn’t left completely in the dark. He had let me in, and I knew that had to be pretty special. My life was infinitely more painful than mine. It put my problems in perspective, that I had the tendency to make a mountain out of a mole hill about everything. His ex-wife makes Bruce look like a pesky fly that we had to swat at every once in a while.  
Olivia fussed a little, and I rocked her, giving her a bottle, which she sucked at eagerly. Thank God I was starting to get this maternal stuff down. I settled into the couch, thinking about how lucky I was that I ended up here. Maybe I could actually be happy here. I had to be happy here, for him, for Olivia. It just made sense to do.  
I got up from the couch gingerly, trying not to disturb Olivia from her current quiet state. I went upstairs and shook the Joker awake, “Babe?”  
He stirred, “Yeah?”  
“I’m going to start making some dinner. Is chicken parmesan with spaghetti ok?” I knew it was his favorite.  
He smiled, “I don’t deserve you.”  
I grinned in return, “Yeah, I know."


	9. I Knew You Were Trouble

Chapter 9: I Knew You Were Trouble

And he’s long gone when he’s next to me  
And I realize the blame is on me  
‘Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in  
So shame on me now  
\- “I Knew You Were Trouble”, Taylor Swift 

When I got that phone call from Harley, it’s true that I was out at a bar, and I’m sure she thought I was just slutting it up again. I was really at a bar, and I was out with Barbara having some drinks. She looked really pretty tonight, wearing a tight-fitting navy blue dress with a yellow geometric pattern. She sipped at her whiskey sour, “Who was that?”  
“My best friend.” I replied.  
“Well it sounds like you kind of cut her off.” She raised an eyebrow, “Are you guys fighting or something?”  
“No, no,” I shook my head vehemently, “It’s just that I didn’t want her to know where I was. She’s very protective of me, especially since the separation from Selina. I don’t know how she’d feel about me seeing someone this soon after that.”   
“Ah,” she said simply, “What’s her name?”  
I hesitated. Should she really find out? She didn’t even know about my own secret identity as Poison Ivy. It didn’t seem like the right time to say anything about that.   
“Her name is Harley.”   
“That’s an unusual name. Dick used to talk about some girl named Harley, actually, come to think of it. Some chick that used to date his boss, Bruce Wayne.” She eyed me. She already knew.  
“Yes, that’s the same one.” I admitted.  
She smiled, “Yeah, I figured. I won’t tell anyone. Believe me, I’m not exactly involved with all that Batman and Robin bullshit. Bruce moved a while ago.”  
“Well, yeah, I know that too.” I said, biting my lip. It was kind of awkward that we, through some degrees of separation, knew the same people and about the vigilante world. In a way, it was kind of nice, too, that I could be open about it with someone. Obviously I could be with Selina, but she had a different relationship with Bruce. Cough.  
Barbara was so simple. Like, I don’t mean she was stupid or anything; on the contrary, she was extremely intelligent. I mean that she was easy to talk to, no drama or anything. She knew how to deal with people in an objective way. She had a very pragmatic approach to life, which I desperately needed after dealing with constantly dramatic and unpredictable Selina. Not that I didn’t love those things about her at the time, but it was nice to deal with someone different from her, completely different from her.   
“Are you ok?” Barbara was asking, “You looked a little out of it.”  
“Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry. I got lost in my thoughts. I was just thinking that it’s so weird that we know the same people.” I managed to release a nervous chuckle.  
She laughed in response, “Yeah, I guess it is. Did you like Bruce?”  
“Well, considering what happened, not really.” I shrugged, “I didn’t mind him too much when he was with Harley, but I didn’t like the way he treated her. When I really think about it, I believe that he and Selina are much better suited for each other. He only brought Harley pain and Selina seems happier with him. I never really met Dick, so I don’t have much of an opinion about him.”  
“Eh, you’re not missing too much.” She rolled her eyes, “Where do I even begin with him?”  
“Where did you guys meet?” I was curious.  
“Well, since I’m in school I needed a part-time job to help my parents pay for my classes. I asked my dad and he got me in with the police department just doing some organizing and filing for a few hours a week. I was eating lunch with my dad one day and Dick came in, looking for my dad. They went out into the hall and talked for a while. I was super confused because my dad wouldn’t tell me what was going on. After lunch, I was heading back to the office and Dick saw me in the hallway. We got to talking and he asked me out. We dated for a few months, but it got complicated so fast. He would disappear at night and never tell me where he was going. I assumed he was cheating on me, so I dumped him.”  
“Naturally.” I sipped my beer.  
“He begged me to take him back, and he explained everything about the Batman and Robin thing. When Bruce left for Italy, he was taking over everything and running himself ragged. I felt bad for jumping to conclusions so we started dating again. We got closer, moved in together. I knew I had to tell him about my past relationships because I didn’t want him to be surprised about me being bisexual since he was so obviously straight. He…he didn’t take the news too well. He got kind of upset and he said he wasn’t sure about continuing the relationship. I told him that it was just a choice and that I had mostly chosen to be with men, but he didn’t listen. I packed up my stuff and left. It’s been a little over two weeks since that happened. That’s why he constantly calls and texts. He feels like an ass, and he is an ass. If he really loved me, he would accept who I am. I wasn’t expecting him to be too excited about it, but I didn’t think he would reject me like that. I was feeling very vulnerable after that and I think that’s why I got so drunk the other night.” She sighed, “I bet you want to run away now, too.”  
“Not at all.” I put my hand on hers, “I was in the same position when I met you the other night. Relationships fucking suck, right?”  
“Yeah, seriously. Cheers to that.” We clinked our glasses together.  
We spent the next couple hours getting to know each other, laughing and sharing awkward relationship experiences, like women usually do. She didn’t know a lot about the Selina situation, but I told her what I felt comfortable telling her, like that we were married for a while and that Selina had had a child with Bruce, but I didn’t want to get into the emotional idiosyncrasies she put me through. I wasn’t sure right now if Barbara was actually into me or if she just wanted to be friends. We had hung out a couple of times since that night, but there wasn’t anything physical. I didn’t mind totally because I wasn’t ready to get back into anything serious, and I wasn’t sure if she was just experimenting. I made that mistake with Selina last time, and she left me for a man.   
I looked at my phone. It was 1:15 AM.  
“Wow, we’ve been here a while.” I remarked.  
“Yeah,” she agreed, “I’m kind of done with this bar. Want to take a cab to my place and watch some TV or something? I’m still pretty awake.”  
“Sure!” I said brightly. I didn’t know what this meant. Maybe she just enjoyed my company and wanted to hang out with me. Or maybe she wanted to have sex again. I was over-analyzing.   
We hailed a cab and it took about 10, 15 minutes to get to her apartment. She lived near the Columbia campus in a housing facility for graduate students. We walked in and went up the three flights of stairs to her floor. She lived with two other roommates, both were law students, Melissa and Amber were their names I found out earlier. When we came in, Melissa was passed out on the kitchen table on one of her huge law books.   
Barbara looked over at her, “Oh geez. Don’t blame her. She’s a second year and she’s taking this health law class. She hates her life.”  
“Where is Amber?” I asked.  
“Oh, probably at her boyfriend’s. He’s a second year too, like them. They study a lot together. Or, at least she says they do.” She laughed, and walked over to Melissa, “Hey, Missy.” She flicked her shoulder, and Melissa stirred.  
“Whaaaa…” she asked, looking around wildly, “What time is it?”  
“It’s almost 2 AM. Go to bed.”   
“Yeah, um, ok,” Melissa mumbled and picked up her textbook and shuffled back into her bedroom, closing the door.   
I sat down on the couch, “I take it this is a normal occurrence?”  
“Too normal.” She replied, taking off her high heels, “It would be weird if I didn’t see her reading or studying. She’s super hard core.”  
“Yeah, I was like that when I was in grad school. I was such a nerd.” I said, reminiscing, “I used to wear these thicker glasses and I dressed kinda frumpy because I wasn’t confident in myself. I was a science dork. I think I still am sometimes.”  
“Nerds are hot. I am one myself.” She grinned, and she turned on the television. She flipped through the channels until she found a rerun of the Daily Show, “Is this ok?”  
“Yeah, that’s fine.” I said, suddenly feeling a little nervous.   
Barbara sat next to me on the couch, rather close, I have to say. I felt my heart racing. Why was I so nervous? I was 29 years old, for God’s sake, no stranger to sexual encounters with men or women.   
We watched the TV sort of mindlessly for a while, and then I felt her hand on my leg. Her hand started moving up and up my leg, and she started kissing my neck. Well, I guess this was a date then. My body felt warm and flush with happiness. I kissed her back, leaning into it.  
She pulled away for a moment, and whispered, “Let’s take this to the bedroom.”  
“Gladly,” I said, breathlessly.  
We basically ran into the bedroom and she closed the door behind us. We were taking off each other’s clothes in a frenzy. She looked at me thoroughly, and I almost felt anxious. We had only had sex when we were drunk before, and I was worried she wasn’t going to like what she saw.   
She touched my skin lightly, “You are so beautiful.”   
I pulled her onto the bed and kissed her again.  
…  
I had to stare at her for a long time, not sure what to do with her sleeping form. I legitimately couldn’t believe someone so normal liked me…at least enough to have sex with me. It was weird. With Selina, I think I always knew it was somewhat of a lie, because she was never fully in love with me and was up front with that fact. I had chosen to believe that she would actually care about me eventually. Maybe she did. I don’t know. I didn’t feel like asking her at this point.   
I decided it was probably best not to over-think this relationship – er, well, not a relationship? There I go, over-thinking it already. I just felt kind of stupid, worrying about something that wasn’t even a thing. It was just a some, as in get some. That was clever. I like that.   
I fell asleep again, feeling very comfortable in that bed, warm, safe. I woke up the next morning to the sound of Barbara opening and closing her drawers. I rubbed at my eyes, trying to get those annoying eye crusty bits out. Yeah, I am super classy.  
“Hey,” I said groggily, so that she knew I was awake.  
She turned around, and said brightly, “Oh hey! I’m sorry, I was being so noisy. I was just trying to find an outfit for this lunch I have to go to today.”   
“Oh, I’m sorry, should I go?” I asked, feeling like I was in the way.  
“No, no, not at all.” She shook her head, “Don’t even worry about it. It’s just with some friends from undergrad that wanted to catch up. Do you want to join me? I don’t have to say I’m sleeping with you or anything.”   
I laughed, “I appreciate the invitation but I need to run some errands today. Grocery shopping needs to happen at some point in the next year and I have to call Harley back too and I have a limited time frame to do that since she’s in Italy.”   
“Oh right, yeah, those both sound important.” She affirmed, “Well, this week is going to be kind of busy but can we get dinner maybe Wednesday or Thursday? Those are the days I get out earlier from the graduate library.”   
“Yeah, Thursday would be great.” It’s not like I had anything to do, considering I didn’t work. Work for me was watching marathons of Real Housewives of something or other or experimenting in the kitchen and stuffing my face with muffins or cookies. I lead an exciting life.  
“Great!” she said, “That would be awesome. We could try this new sushi place in the West Village. I’m like obsessed with it.”  
“Sounds good to me.” I said, searching for my clothes. When I finally located them, she had tornadoed into the bathroom and was working on her make-up. I walked into the bathroom and waved, “Hey, I’m going to head out. Text me later.”  
“Yeah, definitely!” she kissed me, “I had fun last night.”  
“Me, too.” I smiled.   
…  
I took a cab home and changed into more comfortable clothes. I checked the clock. It was almost noon, probably a good time to call Harley since she would be done with dinner by then. I called her number and it rang a couple times before a rushed male voice answered, “Hello?”  
“Oh hey, Jay, it’s Pam.”  
“Oh Pam! Hi! I’ll get Harley.” There was some fumbling around and Harley picked up, “Hey!”  
“Hey girl! How are you? You guys sound frazzled.”  
“Oh, it’s fine. Liv was having a meltdown about her toy or something but he’s got it. Crisis will be averted shortly.”  
“He sounds like he’s really good with her.” I commented.  
“Oh yeah definitely. I think she likes him better than me. Can’t say I’m surprised. He’s totally into the dad thing. What’s up with you?”  
“Yeah, I’m sorry I couldn’t talk with you much yesterday. I was out.” I said, and I hesitated. Should I tell her?  
“Mhm, well, who did you go out with? Are you making new friends? I worry about you being alone out there sometimes.”  
“Yeah, I went out with this girl, Barbara.” I said, trying to sound nonchalant about it.  
I could see her eyebrows raising even over the phone, “Oh yeah? Who’s this person? You sound like you like her.”  
“How can you tell that from one comment?”  
“Because I know you.” She laughed, “Tell me about her. How did you meet?”  
“Well, we kinda had a one night stand…”  
“Oh, Pamela…”  
“Shut up. I went to this bar and we were talking and then it happened. I thought it was just a one-time thing but I actually kinda like her. We’ve gone on like three dates now and we’re going out to dinner again later this week.” I couldn’t lie to Harley. She knew too much about me. It was going to be futile to try to hide it from her.  
“Ok, well, that seems good, though. Are you happy? What’s she like?” Harley was nothing if not supportive.   
“I am happy, definitely. She’s really smart – she’s getting her PhD from Columbia – and she’s sweet and outgoing, obviously attractive.” I felt like I was gushing like a 16-year-old, “I mean, I don’t really know where it’s going, but…”  
“You just sound like you’re invested.” She said hesitantly.  
“Well…” I said cautiously, “I’m not saying I’m really invested in it but I do like her. I’m not going to ignore that I like her.”  
“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” Harley said, and I could tell she was doing the mom thing to me. She’s gotten so maternal lately. Maybe a baby had changed her a little. I worried that she was still the same selfish person she was before, but she seemed to care more now. Not that she didn’t care before, but she worries more about everything.   
“Harley…” I instinctively rolled my eyes.  
“I know you’re rolling your eyes over there, missy, and you better quit it.” She said sternly.  
“God, you know me way too well.” I said, “I’m kind of impressed.”  
“Yeah, but you have that same tone of voice when you roll your eyes. It’s easy to tell.”  
“Anyway, I’m not going to let myself get hurt this time. I’ve learned my lesson from Selina. You know that.” I felt like I was being a whining, petulant child, but sometimes she brought out that side of me.  
“I’m not saying I don’t believe you, Pam, but you seem to be too trusting when it comes to your relationships with women. Let’s not talk about what happens to the men you date.”   
“Ok, so Jason was a different case.” This was one of the first times I had said his name and not felt a burn in my heart. Yet, I don’t think I’ll ever forget his wife and children’s faces when I saw his death reported on the news. I couldn’t help but feel responsible. I mean, I was responsible, but I didn’t think I would regret it in the slightest. I sort of did at times. Those faces haunt me at night.   
I heard Harley typing on her computer, “What’s Barbara’s last name? I want to look her up on Facebook.”  
“Creeper.”  
“Bear with me. I want to at least see a picture.”  
“You’ll see her when you come to New York next week.” I didn’t want her to know the last name, because Harley would recognize it immediately. I knew she would.  
Then I remembered her Facebook wasn’t even under her full name, anyway, “She’s my friend. It’s Barbara Louise.”  
“That is one lesbian name.” she remarked.  
“She’s bisexual.” I said dismissively.  
“Oh, so what, are you turning her or something? Or has she been with women before?”  
“Yeah, she said she has in college, but she’s been dating guys recently.” Another detail I didn’t want to go into. Harley would flip her shit.  
“Ah,” she said simply and didn’t ask any other questions about that, “Hang on, I’m just looking through her pictures. She’s cute. I’m surprised you’d want to go out with someone almost as ginger as you.”  
“Shut up.” I laughed.  
Then the line went silent.  
“Harley? Did I lose you?” I asked.  
“Pamela…”  
“Yes?” I knew this wasn’t good.   
“Why are there pictures of her and Dick Grayson together?”   
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.  
“Um…”   
“There are pictures of them at a carnival, at a restaurant, selfies of them at the movies. Posted only a month or so ago.”   
I hate the internet.  
“Well, um…that was the part I wanted to talk to you about.” I said reluctantly.  
“That your lover dated DICK GRAYSON, BRUCE’S BUTT BUDDY?!” she shouted and I held the phone away from my ear as she ranted, “Of all the goddamn people you could date in New York City you pick someone who knows Bruce?! JESUS CHRIST PAMELA. You know what a little fuck he is! He hit on me when I was pregnant!”   
“Yeah, I know and that’s why Barbara isn’t even with him anymore! She said he was a prick! So, you can rest easy. It’s not a big deal. We’ve talked about it.”   
“Yes, but BLARGH. Isn’t she older than him?”   
“Well, she’s like 25, so not that much older. But it’s completely over between them.” I assured her, “You have nothing to worry about. She’s never even met Bruce before. She doesn’t like him from what I understand. She said he seemed like an ass-hole.”  
“At least she has her priorities straight.” Harley grudgingly admitted.  
“Yes, exactly.” I said vehemently, “I know it’s a little complicated and not ideal, but I think she could be good for me. Can you at least meet her?”   
“Fine, yes, I will.” She said after a moment’s silence.   
“Thank you.” I said, relieved, “I promise you’ll like her.”  
“I’m sure she’ll at least be better than Selina.”   
“I can guarantee that.” I affirmed.  
“Are you doing ok otherwise? I take it that you are seeing Barbara that you are not having sex with random people anymore?”   
“Just her.” I replied, “And I’m sorry my lifestyle bothers you, basically married lady.”  
“Ughhhhh,” she groaned, “Don’t mention marriage. He starts almost lactating if he hears that word. He tries to propose to me once a week and I banish him if he tries it. What is he thinking? We just had a baby!”  
“I think that is his actual reasoning, to be honest. If you’ve had a baby together, what’s stopping you?” I inquired.  
“I’m not ready.” Harley said quietly, probably so that he couldn’t hear, “I am ok with him, but you know I have that pesky little fear of commitment. I’ve been engaged two times and haven’t gone through with it.”   
“Yeah but John was a different circumstance. He kinda got shot.”  
“By the man who wants to marry me!” she interjected, “My life is crazy town, population me.”  
“I think you should just bite the bullet and marry him. Who else are you going to marry?”   
“No one. I love him. You know that.” She said firmly. It was still weird to hear her say she loved him out loud. I couldn’t believe they had made it through all that shit together; I still remember when she stayed at my apartment and screamed at him on the phone. It was amazing and almost impossible that they had made it to this point, and I told her so, “Harley, you guys are clearly meant to be together.”  
“I know.” She acknowledged.   
“Well, I have to go run some errands. Can you call me soon and just confirm the flight details and stuff later in the week?”   
“Yeah, I will call you once I get to my sister’s place. Bye, Pam, you know I care about you and I am just looking out for your best interests. Be careful.”  
“I will. Bye, hon.” I hung up.   
I sat down heavily on my bed. I know Harley cared, but sometimes she cared too much. She hated Selina and I think she let the past get in the way of the present. She consistently did that. She just believed Selina was a terrible person and she keeps on believing that even now. She wasn’t the most rational human being most of the time. But then again, neither was I. Look at me. I am dating a police commissioner’s daughter when I am a criminal. I love the drama. But don’t you, too?


	10. World in Front of Me

Chapter 10: World in Front of Me

And what about our future plans?  
Does this thing we have even make sense?  
When I got the whole world in front of me  
So I said, “I don't wanna be alone forever.  
But I can be tonight.”  
\- “Gypsy,” Lady Gaga 

“What do you think of this one?” Maggie was asking me.   
I looked at the lavender monstrosity in her hands, “Dear God. Send help.”  
She rolled her eyes, “You could just say you don’t like it.”  
“But that wouldn’t cover how I feel about it.” I retorted.  
Maggie went back to the racks.  
I was in the bridesmaids section of a local bridal shop in Omaha with Maggie, her fiancé Ryan’s sister Renee, Ryan’s mom and aunts, along with an assortment of other women she had met in Omaha at her new job. She had been taking nursing classes since she didn’t have much left to finish her medical degree and she had gotten a job as an ER nurse at the hospital there. Her coworkers were nurses, too, and really annoying. They were younger (I mean, not much younger, but they seemed that way) and so happy to not be wearing scrubs that they were giggling and being all excited over tulle and taffeta. I was not amused.  
I had decided, being the maid of honor, that I had most clout in making the decision for a bridesmaids dress. I was prepared to fight for it.   
Ryan’s relatives were nice enough; they seemed really interested in me and my life in Italy because they were all small-town Nebraskan people who liked barbecue and football. Not my cup of tea. I hadn’t even watched a game of football in 20 years. Maggie had seemed to assimilate well into the group, but she had still retained her New Yorker cynicism and fast-paced way of doing things.  
“So, are you married, honey?” asked Ryan’s mom, Denise. Denise. I am not kidding.  
“No, but I have a boyfriend. I live with him.” I replied, absent-mindedly looking a teal strapless dress and then putting it back when I realized it was not going to be flattering on my double-D boobs.  
“Oh, that’s nice.” She said, “Maggie tells me you have a daughter?”  
“Yes, Olivia.” I said, and instinctively whipped out my phone with pictures at the ready.   
Denise and Ryan’s aunt were cooing and ahhing over my child and I was like over it. I saw her every day so I had mostly grown immune to her cuteness. Almost. There were days I couldn’t resist. It was going to be my downfall someday.  
“She’s so darling!” Denise said, beaming, “You must be so happy!”   
“Yes, I am.” I said, and I meant it.  
She looked down at my left hand, “You’re not getting married?”  
I awkwardly withdrew my hand from view, “Um, well, we are discussing it.”  
“Oh, well that’s good. It must be weird to get married after your younger sister.”  
Oh thanks bitch. No need to remind me.  
“Yeah, but Maggie’s more suited for that than I am.” I said, making up some bullshit to make myself and his relatives feel better, “I am not the marrying type.”  
She looked at me like I had three heads. Not the marrying type? With a child out of wedlock? How dare I exist?  
“I think you will.” She said, patting my shoulder and then turning to talk to Ryan’s sister.  
I resisted the urge to beat my head against a wall. I found Maggie, who was contemplating a gold chiffon one-shouldered dress that had a slight sheen to it. I pointed, “I like that one.”  
“You do?” she brightened.  
“Yeah, I definitely do. Didn’t you want gold?”   
“It was something I was considering.” She looked at it more thoroughly, “Let’s definitely try this one.”   
One of her friends, some nurse’s name I don’t care to remember, wrinkled her nose, “But gold is so boring. It’s a fall wedding, don’t you want something more orange or green?”  
“Orange is hideous.” I said matter-of-factly, “Gold is classy.”  
She smiled some cheesy smile at me, “I’m not disagreeing with you. I just don’t think the color matches the theme.”  
“I see your point, but I think we should try some different things before making a decision and I’m maid of honor anyway.” Had to get my digs in somewhere. I shrugged, “I mean, I’ve read in Italian Vogue that gold is a very stylish choice for any wedding, but what do I know?”  
Maggie gave me an exasperated look and mouthed, ‘Be nice.’  
‘Sorry.’ I mouthed back.  
“Oh I forgot you live in Italy.” She said. Oh, yeah, I’m sure you did. She continued, “What do you do out there?”  
“I don’t have a job right now.” She started to smirk, but I said, “My boyfriend is a millionaire, so I don’t have to.” That wiped the smile right off her face.  
“Oh.” She said simply, and walked away.  
I win.  
Maggie turned to me and hissed, “You’re being condescending! They’re just normal people.”  
“Simple people.” I corrected.  
“Yes, some of them.” She admitted, “But what’s the problem with that? Things are so much easier here. Guys actually treat you like women, and the people are really nice. They don’t shove you on the subway or scream ‘fuck you whore’ at you on the street when you’re just passing by.”  
“New York is the greatest city in the world.” I said automatically. I had grown up saying that and I would never stop.  
“Harleen.”   
“Margaret.”  
She narrowed her eyes at me, “Can you behave yourself for like 10 minutes?”  
“I’ll try.”   
“You’ll do what I say. I hate to pull this card, but it’s my wedding.”   
“Bridezilla.” I grinned, “Thought I’d never live to see the day.”  
“Shut up.” She grabbed a couple other dresses, and made an announcement, “Come on everyone, let’s get this started!”   
Everyone was shuffled into one of the dressing rooms and I had to try on this oddly-colored green one-shouldered dress with ruffles. I felt stupid and it showed on my face when I came out. Maggie gave me a wearied look, “You don’t have any semblance of poker face.”  
“No, I do not.” I agreed. I looked at myself in the mirror, “This is like the color of Olivia’s spit-up when she eats peas.”  
“Charming.” Her friend said. She was in a purple strapless dress, and didn’t look bad in it. I didn’t hate it but I did hate her comment with a burning passion.  
“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to talk about my child?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.  
“I don’t think talking about bodily functions is the right thing to do when shopping for bridesmaid dresses.” She said, wrinkling her nose.  
“Well I am just brutally honest. I actually like your dress, by the way, and I was going to tell you but you interrupted me by being a stuck-up bitch.”  
She gave me a wide-eyed look as if she couldn’t believe what I said.  
I then stormed off into the dressing room, putting my regular clothes back on. I know I was being irrational, but I hated these people. They were not the people I ever thought my sister would hang out with; they were the people we made fun of when we were teenagers. I was putting myself at risk by even being in the United States to do this but I loved my sister and I wanted to be there for her on the most important day of her life.  
I was about to go outside to get some air when Maggie caught up with me, “Harley, what the hell is going on with you? Blah blah (again I don’t remember her name) is really upset that you said that to her.”  
“Well, she deserved it. She’s insipid and boring. I will not deign to be friends with her.”  
“You’re being a brat. Are you acting out because you’re jealous or something?”  
“Where in Christ would you get that idea?” I literally burst out laughing because it was so ridiculous, “I don’t want to get married anytime soon. I am so happy that you want to. It’s just not something I’m into.”  
“I don’t get it. You guys have a child together. Don’t you want to be like…legit?”  
“What is this, 1850?” I snapped, “My daughter will have two loving parents and it doesn’t matter if we’re married or not. Who are you? You used to not care about this kind of stuff at all.”   
“I think you don’t want to get married because then you have an out, Harley. You don’t want to have to be responsible if you want to leave.”  
I stared at her, open-mouthed, “I would never leave my daughter. Ever.”  
“Yeah but you didn’t say you wouldn’t leave him.” She pointed out.  
“Well, men are more disposable than children. I love him, but my child is more important than us getting married right now. He knows that.”  
“I don’t know if he really does, considering he called me to ask what ring size you were.”  
I froze, feeling like someone had punched me in the gut.   
“What?” I asked in a voice that sounded really far away.  
“Yeah, he sent me some emails with pictures of rings that he wanted to buy for you. Do you want me to the bearer of bad news that you wouldn’t even say yes?” Maggie snapped, “You’ve been through so much together. How could you think that he’s not the one by now?”  
“He is the one. I don’t doubt that.” I retorted with full sincerity, “I just…”  
“Have a fear of commitment?” Maggie finished.  
“Yeah, a little bit.” I admitted, “Ok, not a little bit. I am crippled by it. I left Bruce Wayne at the altar for God sakes. How could Jay ever trust me not to do the same to him?”  
“Well maybe because when you left Bruce, you left Bruce for him. That’s what matters. Yeah, it’s not the most conventional love story-”  
I am naming my memoir that.  
“-but you guys love each other. I know you love him. You’re just scared of what he was. He isn’t a criminal anymore, he isn’t a bad guy. He is a person who loves you wants to give you the best. You don’t want that?”  
I looked in Maggie’s hopeful eyes, and felt terrible. I felt the weight of the decision I was facing and I knew I couldn’t burden her anymore with my relationship. She had her own wedding to deal with and I wasn’t going to stand in the way of that.  
“Mags, I will handle the proposal when it comes down to it. I think we need to focus on you right now. This is your wedding and I’m being a selfish bitch. I love you and I didn’t think for a few years that I would be able to see you get married. You are the focus. Be the focus of my life.” I said, embracing her.  
“Ok,” she said, “I’m sorry that I’m acting like a crazy person. I am really stressed out about this wedding too and it’s been hard not having you here. These people drive me fucking crazy.”   
“Oh, thank God.” I sighed in relief, “I thought you actually liked them.”  
“I kind of maybe do I guess.” She said noncommittally.  
I laughed, “Yeah, I guess I kind of maybe do, too.”  
“Good. At least we agree on that. Ok, let’s get back in there and finish this shopping. It’s one less thing I have to do.”   
“Alright.” I agreed.  
We spent another hour and a half trying on some dresses and I was as cordial as humanly possible, which meant not strangling anyone in the bridal party. We came to a compromise and got a one-shouldered coffee-colored dress and I was ok with it. I didn’t want to argue anymore about bridesmaids dresses. It was stupid and I started thinking about how stupid my own shopping was going to be when I had to do it. It gave me hives to think about it.  
Help, I’m going to be the worst bride ever.  
…  
I spent another couple of days in scenic (read: Flatsville McFlatterton) Omaha, and was more than happy to get out of there to go to New York. Maggie knew it, too and she wasn’t going to fight with me about leaving. She knew how much seeing the city I grew up in mattered to me and how much seeing Pam mattered to me on top of it. She drove me to the airport and dropped me off at the terminal, helping me get my suitcase out of the trunk.   
She looked at the airport sign, and then back at me, “I guess this has to be goodbye for now. When are you going to come back again?”  
“Probably a week before the wedding so I can help you with everything. Sorry Jay and Olivia can’t come. He can’t really risk it and she’s too small to fly. She’d cry the whole time. After you get back from your honeymoon let me know and I’ll buy your ticket to Italy.” I said, hugging her.  
She nodded, “Yeah, that sounds really great. Ryan’s never been to Italy so I’m sure he’d enjoy it.”  
“Yeah and of course you guys can stay at our house so it’ll make it a really cheap trip for you, especially after paying for this wedding.” I said brightly, but not the most genuine brightness I could muster. I was sad to leave her because I didn’t see her often enough but I couldn’t keep regretting the things that I couldn’t change.  
“Ok, well, call me when you get to New York so I know you arrived safely.” She said as I started to walk away to the check-in point.  
“I will! Love you!” I waved to her as she got back in her car.  
She shouted a quick “Love you too!” and she drove away.  
I checked in for my flight and got something to eat. I hated airports. I mean, who doesn’t, I guess? But I hate waiting and doing nothing and pretending I’m busy on my computer when I’m really just on Icanhazcheezburger or something.  
Don’t lie. You go on it, too. I just like cats with bad spelling. Who doesn’t?  
I got on the plane right about on time and texted all necessary parties to tell them I was safe, i.e. not dead. The flight pretty much went off without a hitch and I landed in New York at the proper time. I smiled as I walked into the airport and was met with the familiar hustle and bustle of JFK and everyone running around on their cell phones being ass-holes. Home. I got my luggage and found Pam waiting in the lobby for me. We both shrieked and hugged and made a scene and life was beautiful. We carried my luggage to the taxi (Pam didn’t have a car, being a New York person and all) and set off for her apartment.  
“So what’s on the agenda for the next few days?” I asked.  
“Well, we’ll go out to dinner tonight and probably watch a movie, something chill since you’ve been on a plane too much in the past week. Tomorrow we’re going to meet up with Barbara and do some shopping and maybe some drinking. Does that sound ok to you?”   
“Oh, Barbara, huh? That’s still a thing?”   
“Yeah, it’s still a thing. A very good thing.” She gave me a look, “Don’t get all Mama Harley on me over it. I’m happy and that’s what matters.”  
“I know, I know.” I said, “I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice person. I just want to meet her and deem her worthy. It’s my duty as best friend forever.”  
“Fair enough.” Pam smiled.  
We got back to her apartment and I unloaded all my belongings into her guest room. I sat down on the bed and called my man, who was likely sleeping but I didn’t really particularly care if I woke him up.  
“Pronto.” He answered sleepily.  
“Oh, Italian answer. Cute.”   
“Oh hey. Are you ok? Are you at Pam’s?”   
“Yeah we got here a few minutes ago. Did I wake you up?”  
“Yeah it’s like 2 in the morning here. Thankfully Liv is still asleep. She sleeps like a rock these days. Maybe you should stay there forever.” He teased.  
“Oh shut up. I’ll call you at a more acceptable hour tomorrow.”   
“Alright. Have a good time.”   
“Thanks babe. Get some sleep.”  
“Alright, will do. Bye.” He hung up.  
“Bye!”   
I walked out into the living room and Pam was mixing us some drinks already.  
“Pam it’s 4 in the afternoon. I don’t need a margarita.”   
“Yes you do.” She said, handing it to me.   
“Ok,” I wasn’t going to argue with her or with alcohol.   
“How easily swayed you are at the prospect of tequila.” She laughed.  
“Always,” I said, and we clinked our glasses and drank, “It feels good to be here again. With you and with New York. It’s perfect.”   
“Yeah, I really wish it could be like this more often.” Pam said wistfully, “But you guys had to go off and be Italian.”  
“Pam, come to Italy. You would totally love it. You don’t need to live there forever, but come for a week or two. Come for a month. He doesn’t care. He does what makes me happy and I would be so happy if you could stay with us, and get to see Olivia.” I pulled out my phone, of which she was the background photo in a black and white dress with ruffles and a headband, “You know you want to see this face.”  
“I do.” She smiled thinly, “But I don’t want to risk my safety or you and Jay’s.”  
“I risked my safety by coming here. My passport is nice and fake so you know how concerned I am to fly, but I do it because I love you and I love Maggie and I want to see you both. Plus,” I exhaled, “I want you to be Olivia’s godmother.”  
Pam gasped, her hand flying to her heart, “Seriously?!”  
I nodded in affirmation, “Yes, that’s what I want. We don’t have anyone to be godfather but I want you to be her godmother.”  
She wiped at her eyes, clearly emotional, “I can’t believe you would ask me. I thought you were going to ask Maggie.”  
“Maggie understands. She knows how much of a loner I am and she understands the situation I’m in. I have a sister forever and I’ll be godmother to one of her undoubtedly three or four Nebraskan corn children.” Pam and I both laughed, “I don’t plan on having more kids. Olivia is it and I want you to have that honor.”  
She hugged me hard, “I accept. Do I have to go to a church? You know how much I hate churches.”  
“No, we didn’t baptize her or anything. It’s kind of an informal being a godmother situation but we want her to have a female role model to look up to other than me, and as scary as it is, you’re the next best thing to a role model.”  
Pam jokingly smacked my arm, “Rude.”  
“Just be happy I asked, ok? He didn’t want to have any of that but I told him we need to think about our daughter’s future.” I swirled the tequila around in my glass, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable as I continued, “We have to think about what will happen to her if we…”  
“Harley, you guys are perfectly safe right now. There’s no reason to think-”  
“That’s where you’re wrong. We are never really safe. I can’t get away with the ‘I’m a victim’ bullshit I pulled before when he got caught. Now I am a willing accomplice who he has a child with; they will never accept that I was forced to commit crimes with him. That time has passed. If they find us there and we would go to separate prisons forever, Olivia has to be cared for.”  
“Are you saying that I…?” Pam’s voice trailed off.  
“No, not exactly. She would go to Maggie first because she’s family. But if Maggie couldn’t, you would. I put it in our will. It’s not the most legal will ever, but his associate got a lawyer to fill it out for us. So, worse comes to worse, you could potentially have her. Are you ok with that? I don’t want to keep you on there if you’re not.” I said, and I studied Pam’s face. I knew I threw a lot of information on her at once but I had to do something like this in person.   
Pam grinned from ear to ear, “You don’t even need to ask. I would take her no matter what happens. I understand her going to Maggie first; I mean, she’s obviously going to be much more stable than any of us in the long run. But I would be ecstatic to even spend time with her or take her on weekends. I would be like the cool other aunt. I like that.”  
I was completely relieved. I didn’t know if Pam was going to be upset that we didn’t think of giving Olivia to her first, but we couldn’t consider her for primary guardianship because she didn’t exactly have a job or a real settled location or anything like that. Pam was smart enough to know that she wasn’t ideal to take care of someone else’s child. She could barely take care of herself at the moment. I didn’t tell her that, of course, but I thought about it. Having a child makes you put a lot of things into perspective that you don’t particularly want to think about, like your own demise and what happens to that child if something happens to you. It was beyond bizarre, believe me.   
“Thank you so much for understanding. I am so, so happy that you even want the responsibility. Of course, this all could be unnecessary, but with our lifestyle, we couldn’t take a chance.”   
“I totally get it.” Pam put her hand on my shoulder, “Harley, I just can’t believe how much you’ve matured since the last time I saw you. Having a baby changed you. Not completely, but you seem much more…settled, you know? You seem like you’re more relaxed.”  
“Yeah, I am.” I admitted, “I am happier than I was being in New York. We can just be normal. It was really strange at first but I’ve gotten used to it now. I’m hoping I can get a job soon in town so I can get out of the house more, but I’m happy with what I have right now. Is it weird that I miss being on the run a little bit?”  
She laughed, “I kind of miss it, too.”   
“Like, I got used to being anxious and never knowing what was going to happen next, and it’s odd that I miss that part of my life. I think I mostly miss being free to do what I wanted all the time and now I have to be all domestic. It’s not my preference, I guess, but I care so much about him and Olivia and I want more than anything for her to have a normal life, a childhood like I had.” I sipped my margarita, “But it feels good to be here. It feels sort of like I’m myself again, on my own for a while. It’s nice.”  
“Good. You deserve to get out once in a while and be yourself.”   
“You are way too supportive of me. Tell me I’m being selfish or something.” I said. Pam was usually so honest and so blunt with me, but she seemed…different somehow. She seemed a lot happier, more positive. It was good to see her bouncing back because before…I mean, she was acting like a very drunk bisexual whore. I’m not going to tell her that to her face but it was true. I had been extremely worried about her after Selina left her but meeting Barbara seemed to have made her much happier and I was eager to meet this person who had put the smile back on my friend’s face after so much heartache. I couldn’t get it totally out of my mind that Barbara had a connection (albeit a few degrees of separation) from Bruce, but I had to get over it if Pam was going to be happy. See? I’m mature. I can do this adult thing. It was bound to happen sooner or later.  
“Well, you’re not being selfish.” Pam said matter-of-factly, “I get it. I was worried about you too, Harley.”  
“Really? Why?” I was genuinely confused.  
“Well, because it was such a big transition for you. You moved to Italy, you had a BABY which you weren’t so excited about, but you’ve taken it in stride. I’m glad that you’re honest with me and that you have accepted that sometimes other people’s needs to go before your own. That’s what a real relationship is and clearly you’ve really fallen for him and you care so much about him. It’s great to see that you’re finally returning his feelings.”  
“I never didn’t return them. I just didn’t feel them as strongly as he did.” I shrugged, “He knows.”  
Pam gave me a skeptical eyebrow, and I corrected, “Ok I wasn’t the nicest person ever to him, but he knows I love him now. We’ve moved on from that.”  
“Good.” She said firmly, “Ok, so we should watch a movie. Bridesmaids?”  
“Never going to turn that down.” I smiled.  
We settled into her couch with a second batch of margaritas and for a little while at least, I was completely at peace.


	11. Details with the Devil

Chapter 11: Details with the Devil

I’m just dreaming of tearing you apart  
I’m in the details with the devil  
So now the world can never get me on my level  
I just gotta get you off the cage  
I’m a young lover’s rage  
Gonna need a spark to ignite  
\- “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark”, Fall Out Boy 

I couldn’t believe how excited Pam was for me to meet this Barbara person. I mean, she didn’t say that to my face but I could just see how jittery she was; she kept doing this word-vomit thing where she kept babbling on and on while we were in the cab to go to dinner, ‘this little Japanese place that oh my god you would just love it so much Harley and me and Barbara went there last week and it was so great oh man I had the best spring rolls there and are you even listening to me you look so weird, anyway’ and it kept going like that for the next 10 minutes. My head was spinning as I got out of the cab.   
Pam checked in for our reservation and we waited in the overcrowded entryway for Barbara to get there. Every time someone walked in or a cab stopped in front of the restaurant, Pam jumped. I looked at her wryly, “Calm down.”  
“Sorry, just nervous.” She admitted.   
“I can see that.” I raised my eyebrow, “You really like her, don’t you?”  
“How can you tell?” she quipped.  
“Because you’re acting like a lunatic. People only act like that when they love someone. I would know.” Ha ha, I am hilarious, I know.  
Pam jumped up because a woman with reddish-blonde hair stepped out of a cab outside the restaurant. She ran out the doors without another word and was kissing the woman with great gusto. I had to assume that this was Barbara. They walked back in, holding hands and chatting excitedly. I suddenly felt a little out of place, out of the loop in a way. They seemed so into each other. I wondered what it was like to be that way with someone, to have that fresh, new feeling to a relationship. The Joker and I had had so many ups and downs especially at the beginning that I never really got that feeling. I vaguely remembered it with Bruce but we also met under different circumstances. I mean, he was dressed as a bat in leather when we first were reacquainted.   
Barbara stepped forward, “Hi, you must be Harley. Barbara Gordon, pleased to finally meet you!” She stuck out her hand.   
I shook it, “Hi! It’s great to meet you, too. Pam can’t stop talking about you.”  
She beamed up at Pam, who was a few inches taller than her, “Oh, really?”  
Pam flushed, “Well, you know how I am.”   
“I do, and you’re a goof. I think you’ve probably set me up for failure by telling her all my good attributes.” She grinned.  
“Guilty.” Pam shrugged, and squeezed Barbara’s shoulder.  
“Should I call you Barbara?” I asked.  
“Barb is fine.” She said, “Barbara is SO old-fashioned. I don’t know what my parents were thinking.”  
“Is it a family name?” I inquired.  
“Yeah, actually, it was my great-aunt’s name. She died while my mom was pregnant with me and my grandma was like so insistent on me having the name. I think I’m perpetually old lady from birth.”   
I laughed. She was actually pretty funny and down to earth. I was pleasantly surprised.   
The host came over to seat us and we slid into a booth, Pam and Barbara on one side and me on the other. Again, lonely old me. Pity party of one. I suddenly really missed Mr. J and Olivia badly.   
“You ok, Harley?” Pam asked.  
“Oh yeah, I’m fine, just feeling a little…something.” I said.  
“Missing your husband?” Barbara interjected.  
“He’s not my husband, but yes, I do miss him and my baby a little bit. This is the longest I’ve been away from her.” I put on a smile to disguise how I really felt.  
“Can I see a picture?” she glanced at my phone.  
“Oh, yeah for sure.” I pulled up the album on my phone; I tried not to be that kind of mom who had thousands of stupid or pointless pictures of her baby. Most of them were her alone or with me. I really couldn’t risk someone seeing pictures of Mr. J, especially someone who didn’t even know we were wanted criminals.   
“Aww!” Barbara squealed, “She’s so adorable! She looks just like you. But with darker eyes and a little darker complexion. Does she get that from her dad?”   
“Yes, she does. He’s got more of that tan tone to his skin. Thank God for her inheriting that because I am a vampire.” I joked.  
She laughed, “That’s so awesome, though. And you live in Italy, right?”  
“Yup,” I nodded in affirmation, “Venice.”  
“Wow.” She whistled, “That’s unbelievable. Why did you guys move there?”  
“For a change of scenery, really.” I had rehearsed this lie, “We were both so New York, so angry and stressed. We needed a break from it all and we had some money squared away so we moved. Sort of an impulse situation but I’m really happy we did it. He’s so much happier there. I’ve never seen him better.”  
“That’s great, really great,” she nodded vehemently, “I actually lived in London for a year while I was in my master’s program and it was amazing. It was one of the best years of my life. I think it does a person good to move away from everything and re-evaluate their life, you know?”  
“Yeah, definitely.” I said.  
Pam put her arm around Barbara’s shoulders, “You never told me you lived in England.”  
“I mean, you don’t know everything about me, dear.” She rolled her eyes, “You’ll learn.”  
Pam kissed her cheek and Barbara smiled at her. If it wasn’t so cute I might have vomited into my cup of ice water. It was weird to see Pam so blissful. When she was with Selina, she was happy, don’t get me wrong, but she wasn’t this obviously happy. I had to smile a little to myself at the thought. Maybe things were looking up for us, after all. Maybe our lives finally had fallen into a place where we could be secure and at peace.   
I should learn not to keep being so optimistic. I always set myself up for failure.  
We ordered our food and talked for a good hour and a half, just about anything in general; about New York, being in grad school, TV, Europe, the economy…Barbara could hold her own. I was really impressed with her; she was bright, witty, and objectively attractive in my case. I was still a little wary of the fact that she had dated Dick Grayson, but she didn’t mention him once and I was thankful for that. I did not want to get into that conversation whatsoever.   
“So, Harley, I know Pam and her parents aren’t on the best of terms, but I think we should go out to Seattle and see them. What do you think? What would you do?” Barbara was staring at me intently.  
“Um, well, honestly…we’ve never talked about it.” I said, casting a side glance at Pam, “She never talks about them at all, not since we first met a couple years ago. I didn’t even think they were still alive.”  
“They are.” Pam said curtly, “They live alone in their cold house in a cold city with their cold money.”  
Barbara gave her a long-suffering look, “Pamela…”  
“You know this is an awkward topic.” Pam said quietly.  
“Well, I think that you should try to re-connect with them.” I admitted, and Pam looked up sharply at me; I continued, “I think that you’re in a good place now where you can talk to them without spontaneously combusting. You’re happy now and if Barb wants to go with you, what’s the harm in that? You don’t need to tell them about everything that’s happened since you’ve left. How long has it been since you’ve spoken to them?”  
“My mom emailed me like 5 years ago but I ignored her.”   
Barbara’s eyes grew sad, “Pam, that’s awful.”  
“Hey, my parents haven’t tried and neither have I. It’s a two-way fucking street.”   
“I’m not saying that isn’t right, but I think you should at least try.” Barbara needled, “What about you, Harley?”  
“What about me?”  
“What about your parents?”  
Pam and I exchanged a not-so-subtle look and Barbara flushed slightly, “I’m sorry. Do you have a similar situation?”  
“No, but um…well…my parents died a few years ago. A fire.” I said.   
“Oh my god!” Barbara’s hand flew over her heart, “I’m so sorry for bringing that up! Really!”  
“You didn’t know, it’s totally fine.” I said, shaking my head, “It’s been a while since they’ve been gone. But Pam, I would give anything to see my parents again, and yours are still alive and you can still talk to them. You’re going to regret it if you don’t.”   
“I’ll consider it.” Pam frowned, and looked down at her plate, playing with her chopsticks. That meant the conversation was over.   
Barbara was silent for a moment, “I feel bad for bringing all of this up.”  
“No, no, no,” I said, “Please, don’t worry about it. You didn’t know about my parents. What about you? Messed-up family too?”  
She laughed, “Thankfully, no. My parents have been married like 28 years and they have their differences, but they’re great. I have a younger brother who works in banking in the city. He went to NYU too, actually.”  
“Oh, cool, cool.” I said as she was talking.  
“I actually work with my father; he’s the police commissioner in Gotham.” She continued talking and I felt my blood run cold.  
No wonder her name seemed familiar. Her father was Commissioner Gordon. I tried not to react at all but inside I was screaming FUCK FUCK FUCK. What if she told her father about Pam? About us? This had to be a fucking joke.  
“Oh yeah? What a cool job but he must be very busy.” I said, trying to act normal, “Has Pam met your parents?”  
“Oh, no, she hasn’t.” she held Pam’s hand, “My parents are kind of conservative…they are not really too supportive of my bisexuality. My dad is pretty ok about it but my mom had a really hard time dealing with it when I told them so I keep it on the DL, you know?”  
I felt a little relief because at least he didn’t know, but he was going to know eventually if things kept going like they were. I noticed that Pam was conspicuously silent during this whole spiel and I think she knew she was going to get her ass handed to her later when we got back to her apartment.   
“Yeah, I get it.” I said, “It’s hard to come out but it shows that you’re a strong person for doing that.”  
She smiled, “Yeah, I guess so. They’re usually super supportive of everything I do, but I think my mom had a hard time dealing with the fact that I would never have children if I dated a woman. She’s like so ready to be a grandma and I’m like absolutely not.”  
I laughed, “I bet. I didn’t want children at first either but somehow I ended up with one.”  
Barbara’s smile faltered a little, “You mean, you didn’t want your daughter?”  
“Not right away, no. My boyfriend and I were not in the best position to have kids for a long time and I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to raise a child in the most secure environment. I kind of accidentally got pregnant – problems with birth control – and I thought well I’m almost 30, I’d better have a kid before I get too old.” This was the most honest I’d been about Olivia with any person other than Pam. My sister didn’t even that much detail about it because I had a feeling she wouldn’t understand. Barbara just seemed like a very nice person and part of me wished I hadn’t said anything but I sort of word-vomited like I always do.   
She replied, “Well, I understand that. One of my best friends from grad school just got married a few months ago and she got pregnant like right away after the wedding, and she wasn’t sure what to do either, but she decided to have it because they got married. She’s due in like 4 months. I’m going to be the godmother, actually.” She beamed, “I’m so excited. I’ve never been a godmother.”  
“Well, I asked Pam to be godmother for my child just yesterday.” I said, trying to include Pam in the conversation because she was still looking very sulky from the earlier comments about Barbara’s father.  
“Pam!” Barbara smacked her forearm, “You didn’t tell me! That’s awesome! When is the baptism?”  
“Oh, we’re not baptizing her, it’s just kind of a godmother in name situation. Olivia’s already a few months old.” I explained, “Neither of us are religious.”  
“That’s progressive of you.” She commented.  
“Yeah, well, I grew up half Greek Orthodox and half Jewish so my parents were not exactly big on the religion thing because they didn’t want to confuse us.” I said, “Kind of a conflict there.”  
“We’re Catholic.” She said, “What about you, Pam?”  
“Episcopalian.” Pam replied, “I had to go to church every Sunday when I was a kid. I sang in the choir, too.”  
“I didn’t know that.” I raised my eyebrows, “I never pegged you for the religious type.”  
“Well, I’m not but the illustrious Isleys are.” Pam corrected, “I mean, I don’t regret being raised that way but at the same time it was very restricting.”  
“I had no idea your parents were like that.” Barbara said, “I don’t know a lot about them, though.”  
“Ditto.” I affirmed.   
“What is with you guys talking about my parents? We haven’t brought them up in so long, what’s the point now? I don’t really care if they don’t talk to me. I haven’t cared in years. I still love them, I do, but if they don’t want to talk to me, then I don’t want to talk to them. It’s that simple.”  
“It’s never that simple.” Barbara said, “I don’t care what we have to do; I want to fix your relationship with them. I think it would make you so much happier, babe.”  
“We’ll talk about it later.” Pam said. End of discussion, apparently.  
We finished eating and paid for our food. Pam and Barbara went off by themselves for a few minutes and Barbara hailed a cab. They talked for a couple minutes, kissed, and then Barbara was off into the night. Pam turned to look at me, and I knew things were just going to get very bad from here.   
…  
“I don’t see why you take such offense to me dating her!” Pam was exclaiming when the elevator doors opened to the floor in her apartment building.  
“You don’t want to listen to me, Pamela!” I snapped as she opened the door to her apartment, “You are living in a fantasy!”  
“Things were going so well before…” she sighed, dropping her purse on the kitchen counter, “Why did you have to bring up all this parent bullshit?”  
“I’m not saying I don’t like Barb at all! I actually think she’s great! She’s really kind and intelligent and she wants to make you better! Everyone deserves that in a relationship.”  
“Then why are you so against us dating?!” she railed, “You’ve been a huge bitch about it since we got in the cab to go home!”   
“Because she’s not right for you! Not in that way, but in the fact that HER FATHER IS THE FUCKING POLICE COMMISSIONER, PAM.”   
“I knew that already!” she said, “She didn’t hide that from me!”  
“Well then why are you going along with it?!” I was in disbelief, “You’re just writing a one-way ticket to prison! You’re writing one for you, for me, and for Jay! She knows where I live, Pam! No one is supposed to know that except for you and my sister! What if Barbara tells her father about you? He knows all about every criminal in Gotham and you’re no exception. He knows you associate with me and him and they could arrest you and pump you for information about us. Do you even fucking think before you do anything?”  
“Oh, wait, I’m sorry you’re going to judge me for not thinking before I do something? What about you, Harley, what the hell about you? You freed a psychopath from Arkham Asylum and decided to fucking have a child with him! You dated a very good man who would have married you and then you left him and he had to take away MY WIFE. How do you think that makes me feel?!”  
“Are you seriously saying that I should have married Bruce because that would have meant Selina wouldn’t have left you? Is that a motherfucking joke? He would have left me instead of you. He’s a dickhead, no matter how you look at it!” I was starting to get red in the face, “I can’t believe you would even accuse me of being a bitch to Bruce. You know what happened there and I don’t know how many times I can apologize to people for that, and I don’t think I should have to apologize to you! You weren’t part of that decision.”  
“UH!” she snorted derisively, “Don’t get defensive about your own insecurities! You’re taking it out on me that I’m happy and you’re not!”   
“YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.” I retorted, “I am extremely happy with my life right now and so are you and don’t project your own bullshit on me! You are not better than me just because you’ve found a shiny new woman to ruin.”  
“I am not ruining her!” Pam gripped the countertop so hard her knuckles turned white, “Barb is the greatest person I’ve ever met and you can’t seem to get over one little flaw from her? You’re full of shit! You’re always so judgmental!”  
“I know I am, but I am good with reason! You always seem to pick the worst people in the world for you! You go to college and hook up with your professor who only wanted to use you for his experiments and then you pick me, someone who is not even remotely romantically interested in you – good one! And then you pick SELINA KYLE of all people who is the biggest whore who ever lived and took the first chance to marry you so you could take care of her bastard child! SMART. REAL SMART. And now, now you pick a girl whose father is the police commissioner when you are a criminal and also dated Dick Grayson, the one person who has a connection to Bruce Wayne and to me! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, PAMELA.”  
Pam just stood there in stunned silence. I stared back at her, realizing that maybe I had went too far.   
She turned on her heel and went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. I waited awkwardly in the living room for a good two or three minutes before she emerged, phone in hand, “I’m going to Barbara’s for the night. I can’t talk to you right now. Don’t call me. I’ll come back in the morning and take you to the airport.”  
“Ok…” I said, my voice trailing off as she walked out the door, locking it behind her.   
Ok, so I messed this up bad. I let my big mouth get in the way of my relationship with my best friend. I was a complete idiot. And now I couldn’t call her because she wasn’t going to answer in a million years. I just hoped that she could talk to Barbara and maybe she would get it sorted out. Until then, I was in limbo.


	12. Like You Knew Me

Chapter 12: Like You Knew Me

I can’t feel all the things you’ve ever felt before  
I said it’s been a long time  
Since someone looked at me that way  
It’s like you knew me  
And all the things I couldn’t say  
\- “Together”, The xx 

I showed up at Barbara’s door, angry and feeling lost. Harley always had to do this to me when I was at my best. For some reason, she had to sabotage every last bit of me and leave me with nothing. It’s hard to believe I was in love with her at one time, something that I would never admit to anyone, not even Barbara. I couldn’t face that. No matter how long it’s been since I tried to kiss her that day, I’ve felt the shame of her rejection. Every time I see her, I pretend to be happy. Well, not every time. I am happy to be her best friend and part of me was very relieved that she moved away and let me be in peace for a while. I would never tell her that I felt this way. It would break her.   
Barbara opened the door and saw the look on my face, and she immediately embraced me, “I’m so sorry.”  
“It’s alright.” I said, muffled by her flannel pajama top. Yeah, she wore flannel. How could her parents not figure that one out?  
“Come in, come in.” she ushered me inside, “I have wine and chocolate chip cookies.”  
“You’re a life saver.” I said, exhaling deeply.  
She handed me a cookie and glass half-full of red wine, “Tell me what happened.”  
“Am I going to bother your roommates?”  
“Nah, they’re both passed out. We can always go in my room if necessary. In fact, let’s do that.” She led the way into her bedroom, closing the door behind us.   
I sat down cross-legged on the bed, taking a big gulp of wine, “So, Harley just completely blew up at me when we were on the way home from the restaurant. She was pissed about various things, really.”  
“I thought she liked me.” Barbara said, looking dejected, “I liked her.”  
“She does like you. That’s not the problem.”   
“Oh. Well, forgive me but I don’t really understand what’s going on then.” She admitted.  
“The problem is…” I hesitated. I couldn’t tell her about her father, but I chose the next best thing, “the problem is Dick Grayson.”  
She raised an eyebrow, “My ex-boyfriend Dick Grayson?”  
“Yes.”  
“What in the world would he have to do with anything?” her mouth formed an O, “Did they date or something?”  
“Oh, no, no, no,” I shook my head vehemently, “Definitely not. Um, well, I don’t know if Dick talked at all about Bruce Wayne, but…”  
“You mean the guy your wife left you for?”   
“Yes.” I said shortly. Barbara didn’t know the whole dirty business of that situation but she did know that Selina and I were married and that Selina and Bruce had the child together. I left out a few crucial details, however, “Um, Harley dated Bruce for a while. They were actually going to get married but she left him for her boyfriend.”  
“Whoa, that’s some serious shit.” Barbara leaned back against her pillows, “Your whole group of friends is a little incestuous, hmm?”  
“That’s putting it lightly.” I replied, “Harley and Bruce were very complicated.”  
“Clearly.” She sat up, “You know, I remember Dick mentioning some girl that Bruce was always obsessing over, ex-fiancé or something but he never told me her name.”  
“Yeah, that would be her.”   
She grimaced, “He told me it was pretty ugly between them. She used to show up there sometimes and they would always have some big fight in his office, he said.”  
I nodded in affirmation.  
She sighed, “Wow. I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that.”  
“You’re telling me.” I laid back against the pillows next to her, “I’m so tired of it all. When she moved to Italy, I thought most of our problems were over.”  
“Well, it just seems weird that she would be freaking out over something so small like me dating Dick. It was a while ago and plus I don’t even talk to him anymore. I haven’t talked to him since I met you.”   
I half-smiled, “Good to know. But I think that it’s deeper than her not liking Dick; it’s more about the fact that he’s connected to Bruce. She and Bruce have an extremely volatile relationship. He went to Italy, too, and they ran into each other. She said now he won’t leave her alone. He always finds some reason to come talk to her about his problems and she just wants to move on with her life.”  
“He sounds like a crazy person.”   
“Just a little.” I said wryly, “I feel bad for her about that, because she’s just trying to start over with her boyfriend and her daughter and he keeps rehashing old shit that doesn’t matter anymore. Selina and him are always on the rocks but they stay together mostly because of the baby.”  
“Have you seen Selina since she left?” Barbara asked, and then she immediately added, “I mean, it’s none of my business but I was just wondering.”  
“Yes,” I said reluctantly, “We may have…um…hooked up when she came back to the states. It was really stupid and I regret it. She was feeling vulnerable and sad because of what she did to me and I was angry and vulnerable. We both were dumb is the gist of it. I hope that doesn’t upset you, but I want to be honest with you.”  
She was quiet for a minute, “I’m not upset that you were honest with me. Is it really done between you two?”  
“Yes, definitely.” I said, looking at her intently, “It really is. We’re divorced and we don’t have anything to keep us together. She’s back in Italy and that’s where she belongs. Far away from me.”  
Barbara stroked my hair, “I didn’t mean to make you talk about her. I know it’s a sore topic.”  
“It’s fine. I need to get over it sooner or later.”  
“No, you don’t. You were married to her and you helped her take care of her child. That’s a huge commitment and you shouldn’t feel bad about missing her.” She said reassuringly.  
“I don’t miss her much anymore. I mean, I miss her in the way one misses an ex, like it’s a dull pain that never really fully goes away, but you push it deep back and pretend it isn’t there. I will never forget her and nor will she forget me, but maybe someday I will learn to forgive. Right now, I don’t.”  
“Those who get betrayed never really forgive or forget.” Barbara said sagely.  
“You read that on a bumper sticker?”  
“Pinterest.” She and I both laughed, the first time I had in hours.   
“I really like you, Pam.” Barbara said, kissing my forehead.  
“I really like you, too.” I said, and I meant it.  
She kissed me on the lips, then my neck. She knew what I liked. Things started getting a little more PG-rated and intimate, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, she grabbed my boob and honked. Really. She honked my boob. That happened to me.   
I burst out laughing and embraced her, not letting her go, “You are the best, seriously. You made me almost forget about my problems.”   
“Hey, Harley was definitely being a bitch, but you guys are best friends. She will apologize, I’m sure.”   
“She can be extremely stubborn, but I hope she does.” I turned to her, “Can we just go to bed? I’m emotionally exhausted.”  
“Yes, that’s a good idea.” She said, turning off her lamp, “Sleep. It generally helps things.”  
“You’re right. I hope she at least is thinking about it right now.”   
“I’m sure she is.” She said, smiling, and we settled into her bed, falling asleep in each other’s arms. Even though I was beyond pissed at Harley, at least I had someone to go to.  
…  
At Pam’s apartment…  
It was the next morning. I hadn’t slept much; I was worried about Pam and what she was telling Barbara about me. I tried to not think about it but it was one of those things that you couldn’t keep off your mind. I thought I had royally fucked up and I was probably right. I’m pretty self-aware in that way. Good for me for identifying a feeling.  
I made myself some coffee and watched the news and after two minutes deemed it too depressing, so I switched to some marathon of a makeover show. I missed trashy American television beyond anything; Italian television was all soap operas and dramas that I didn’t understand because they didn’t have subtitles. On the plus side I was learning a little bit of Italian, like the words for ‘slut’, ‘bastard’ and ‘I hate you’ because the people said them constantly and I could understand by tone and context. Anyway, it was almost noon and I was still waiting around for Pam. My flight was at 4 PM, so I was going to have to call for a cab if she didn’t come home within the next hour.   
I jumped when I heard the sound of my cell ringing, and rushed to see who it was. It wasn’t Pam. It was my boyfriend. I inhaled through my teeth, and hesitantly answered, “Hello?”  
“Harleen.”  
I cringed. I was in trouble. He only used my full name when I was in trouble, “Yes?”  
“What did you do to Pam?”   
“I don’t know to what you are referring.”   
I could just imagine his exasperated face on the other end, “Babe, I really think you do.”  
“Ok, so we got in a fight.” I mumbled.  
“I heard.”   
“How? Did she call you?”   
“Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.”  
“I don’t need to listen to your caustic wit today. I am already stressed.” I said shortly, attempting to start putting things back into my suitcase, “Cut to the chase.”  
“Pam called me this morning and told me what you said to her. Why do you insist on being such a drama queen at all times?”   
“I am so not a drama queen.” I snapped, “Pam and I got in a fight because I want her to stop dating her new girlfriend.”  
“Yes, she told me that part.”  
“And she told you the part about her being the daughter of Commissioner Gordon? And about dating Dick Grayson? Did she leave that out?” I was relentless.  
“She left none of that out, actually.”   
I was stunned, “Seriously?! And you’re not upset? I thought you would be on my side.”  
“Babe, Pam’s relationship is none of your business, no matter what the circumstances.” His voice was weary.   
“I think that these circumstances exceed the limit of my nerves, Jay. I am thinking about us, about Olivia.”   
“You don’t think I am?” he quipped, “If I was concerned, I would get involved.”  
“What if they break up and she goes blabbing to her father about all of us? What then, smart-ass?”  
“I have my ways of taking care of that.”   
“That sounds rather ominous, darling.”   
“Take it as you will, but I have eyes everywhere. You know that. I’ve had a watchful eye on the commissioner ever since I was in Arkham.”  
“I don’t feel relieved.”   
“I don’t expect you to. I just want you to know that things will be taken care of if the need arises.” He said, “Has Pam come home yet?”  
“No,” I replied, “I am packing as we speak. If she doesn’t come home soon I will have to go to the airport alone and at this point I don’t give a fuck. I just need to get back to you and Olivia and get away from this whole mess. I’ve had a long week.”  
“Sounds like it.” He agreed, “Call me when you get on the plane. I don’t want to bother you and make you more upset.”  
“Too late.”  
“Sorry. I love you.”  
“Love you, too.” I said quietly.  
We hung up.  
I finished packing and zipped up my suitcase. I looked at the clock. A little past one. I had to go. I walked out the apartment doors and into the elevator. When I got down to the lobby, I told the person at the desk that I had to leave it unlocked because she wasn’t there and they assured me that they would send someone to lock it for me. I thanked them and walked to the front doors, and started attempting to hail a cab. A cab pulled up to where I was standing, and I put my suitcase in the trunk and got into the backseat. I opened my mouth to say, ‘JFK please’ and then turned and saw Pam sitting there.  
“Oh.” I said simply.  
“JFK, terminal…?” she looked at me.  
“Terminal 2.” I finished.  
The driver nodded and took off.   
We sat there for a minute or two in silence, and finally Pam said, “I take it you’ve heard from him?”  
“Yeah, I did.”  
“Are you mad at me for telling him?”  
“No, not really. I am not that surprised.” I shrugged, “You had every right to. Did you stay at Barbara’s?”  
“Yeah,” she said, “She calmed me down.”  
“That’s good.”   
Another moment of silence.  
“Look Pam, I –”  
She interjected, “No, no, let me talk. You had a right to tell me what you thought of my relationship and you brought up some stuff that I didn’t want to face. I know that it isn’t ideal, but I really like her. I may even love her.”  
I stared at her, “Are you sure?”  
“Yes. It may be where this is going and I want you to accept that. If you don’t like her, it’s going to make it so much harder on me to continue on in the relationship. I still will, mind you, but it will be difficult.”  
“I do like her. I just don’t like the baggage she comes with.” I said matter-of-factly.  
“Everyone comes with baggage, including you.” She pointed out.  
“Yeah, but I have someone to put up with it. I want you to be happy more than anything else but I also don’t want you to risk my safety, ok?”   
“That was never my intention. Her father was an unfortunate coincidence.”  
“I hope so.” I said, “I feel bad, Pam. I do. I said a lot of things that I wish I could take back.”  
“You don’t need to worry about that right now. You were angry when we talked and it got out of hand. That’s all.”  
I looked at her pensively. Barbara must be a miracle worker. She may have more to her than I thought before. You know, I would come to regret those words later, if you can believe it. I bet you can. This story is full of my trials and tribulations and I can never be happy. That’s one thing I’ve learned in life. Never expect anything because you’ll be disappointed or basically the emotional equivalent of being thrown off of a tall building. But, back to the present.   
We arrived at the airport and we got out of the cab. I took my suitcase out of the trunk and Pam told the driver to wait a few minutes for her.   
She looked at me, “Are we ok?”  
“That depends on you. I am sorry for what I said. I overreacted.” I admitted.  
“Then I accept your apology. I know it’s going to be awkward for a while but we can talk it out later. You need to get on a plane. I know this sucks but we’ll talk.”   
“Ok, that sounds good to me.” I said, and we hugged goodbye.  
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” She said with promise, “We will sort this out.”   
“Ok.”   
“Bye,” she said, getting in the cab.  
“Bye.” I waved as the cab drove away.  
I went into the airport and made the anxious trip through security like I did last time. Believe me, when you’re a fugitive it’s not exactly a walk in the park. I got through everything fine and went to my gate. I texted the Joker to tell him I was at the airport and waited for my flight. It was time for me to go home.  
12 plus hours in cramped economy seating and two flights later, I was finally in Venice. I took a cab back to our house and opened the door, announcing, “Honey I’m hoommmeeee!” and I expected him to come running to me. I was wrong.   
Sitting on my couch was my boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend, Bruce Wayne.  
This seriously needs to stop happening to me.


	13. The Rubble or our Sins

Chapter 13: The Rubble or our Sins

Oh where do we begin?  
The rubble, or our sins?  
But if you close your eyes   
Does it feel like nothing changed at all?  
\- “Pompeii”, Bastille 

I dropped my suitcase to the floor and just walked past them, not saying a word. They just stared at me, probably expecting an explosion. But I was better than that. I went upstairs and stuck my face in a pillow, screaming into it and basically throwing a temper tantrum on my bed.   
When I was done, I walked into Olivia’s room and she still a little sleepy but waking up. She started fussing and I picked her up. I kissed her ever-growing head of golden blonde hair, bouncing her a little to calm her down. I walked back down to face my fate, Olivia still in my arms.   
“Hey,” the Joker said, standing up, “Do you want me to take her?”  
“No, I’m fine. I wanted to hold her.” I said, sitting down on the armchair across from the two of them. This felt a bit surreal, to tell you the truth. Me, in yoga pants and a hoodie and no make-up on, sitting across from a man who once loved me and the one who loved me now.   
“What’s up?” I asked.  
“I thought you were going to have a heart attack.” Bruce commented.  
“A minor stroke, in fact, but I’ve recovered.” I said wryly.  
“How was your flight?” Mr. J asked.  
“Fine. I slept most of it. I’m a bit jet-lagged and confused and why the fuck aren’t we talking about the fact that Bruce Wayne is sitting in my fucking living room?” I said, trying really hard not to change my tone.  
“He just came over. I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. He was looking for you.”   
“And…why?” I directed that question at Bruce.  
“Well, where do I begin?” Bruce started.  
I cut him off, “No. I think we’re done with the long stories. Just tell me what you need to say so I can get you out of my house.”  
“You don’t need to be rude.” My boyfriend said in a hushed tone.  
I merely gave him a look that could have curdled milk.  
“Well, umm…Selina left me.” Bruce said, wringing his hands anxiously.  
“She what?” I had to steady myself on the chair, shifting Olivia in my arms.  
“She went to the states almost three weeks ago. Everything was fine, she said, and she talked to me every day. After a week, she said she needed more time. I didn’t question her; I knew she’d been unhappy lately and if it meant her coming back in a better mood, I was all for it. Then she stopped talking to me every day. I tried calling her. No answer. Eventually nothing. She didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me it was over. I don’t know what to do. I had to come to you. I saw on your Facebook that you were in New York with Pam and that you were coming back today, so I came over in the futile hope that you would at least talk to me.”   
The Joker cast a side-eyed glance at me. I held Olivia out, and he automatically took her. She cooed happily and I smiled at the two of them. I thought fleetingly that I was wrong to be so stupid about Italy and about my relationship. I couldn’t take either of them for granted.  
I looked at Bruce, “Well, I guess I’m here to listen if he’s ok with it.”  
“I’m ok with it.” The Joker assured me, “I’m going to take Liv into the kitchen and give her lunch. You two can talk amongst yourselves. I don’t really want to be involved.”  
“Thanks,” I said wryly.  
He disappeared without another word.  
“She’s getting so big.” Bruce said, “It’s weird how they do that.”  
“I don’t really want to talk about that.” I said, feeling uncomfortable, “Olivia is my business and Edward is yours, but I do have a question about that. First of all, where is he? Second of all, what are you going to do regarding your child?”  
“He’s at the hotel with the nanny I hired. I wasn’t sure how long we were going to stay here so I hired this little old Italian woman. She’s really good with him. And, to answer your second question, I am going to have to take her to court and sue her for custody and reckless abandonment. I already called my lawyer in New York to track her down and serve her the papers. If she doesn’t come to court – which I doubt she will considering the situation – then I get full custody, no questions asked.”  
“That was smart of you.” I remarked, “Well, since you weren’t married I suppose it’ll make a lot easier. Nothing to divide.”  
“Yeah she’s got a whole heap of legal trouble on her hands because she hasn’t even met with their divorce lawyer. I tried to talk to Pam about it but she wasn’t really keen on talking to me.”   
“I wouldn’t imagine she is.”   
“I wasn’t expecting her to be best friends with me, I just wanted to know if she’d seen Selina or talked to her at all and if she could try to contact her for me. I know Selina had to have seen her when she went back there; there was no other explanation for both of their silences on that matter. I have to wonder if she told Pam that she was leaving me. I just want to know if she did.” He sighed, running a hand through his thick, dark hair, “Do you know anything about that?”  
“Honestly, I don’t.” I said truthfully, “She didn’t mention Selina at all while I was there. She’s dating some new girl, so she really wants to move on and put Selina behind her.”  
“I don’t blame her.” He said, and I was glad he didn’t ask any further questions because I didn’t want to get into that topic, me and Pam’s debacle still fresh in my head. He added, “She’s dating Dick’s ex, right?”  
I tried not to betray any emotions. How did he know that?!  
“I take your silence as a yes. Don’t worry about it, really. Dick and I talk sometimes, and he mentioned it. He’s not too happy about it but he’s having sex with like three other girls right now. He really liked Barbara though. I met her a couple times. She seemed like a nice girl, a smart girl. Too good for him, for sure.” Bruce said, chuckling a little.  
I forced a smile, “Yes, definitely too good for him. Pam really likes her. How does Dick know that they’re dating?”  
“Oh, they talk.” He said a little too quickly.   
“Are they still…together?” I asked, fearing the answer.  
“No, no, no,” he shook his head, “They’re friends. I guess she kind of threw it in his face that they were dating because they didn’t end on the best of terms.”  
“Yeah I’ve heard that part of the story.” I said, “Let’s not get too wrapped up in that threesome drama. We’ve had enough of that in our day.”  
“You’ve said a mouthful.” Bruce exhaled deeply, “I don’t think ‘I’m sorry’ really suffices for what happened to us.”  
“It doesn’t but I’m healing.” I said dismissively, “So, you came here just to ask me if Pam or I had heard from Selina?”  
“Pretty much, yes.” He said, standing up, “If you haven’t heard anything, then that’s ok. I just hope you’re not holding back information because you’re trying to protect Pam.”  
“I’m not. Pam and I left on a sour note, so I would tell you the truth if I had it. You know how much I didn’t like Selina. I want you to bring her to her knees.”  
He gave me a weary look, “You’re still talking about the mother of my child.”  
“I honestly don’t give a shit.” I snapped, “I see Selina as a home-wrecker, someone who has fucked two people that I care about over and she doesn’t deserve to walk around with no guilt or consequences on her shoulders. Believe me, right now, I’m sure she feels nothing. She’s a ruthless bitch who ruined your life and Pam’s life. I don’t know why you ever trusted her.”   
“Because I loved her.”   
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You loved her leather suit and the pussy that came under it. You loved her because she wasn’t me.”   
“Harley!” the Joker interrupted, “Stop. You’re being overdramatic.”  
I swiveled to face him, “You said you weren’t getting involved.”  
“I have to get involved when you’re attacking the man. Don’t fucking kick him while he’s down. Bruce, I think you should leave.”   
“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.” He said, and he opened the door, “I’m sorry, Harley, my intention wasn’t to upset you.”  
“Too late.” I said bitterly, slamming the door behind him.   
I glared at my boyfriend, and he just gave me a long-suffering look and said, “Do you feel the need to alienate everyone in your life? You’ve been on the warpath and I want to know why.”  
“I was pissed at Pam because she wants to ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for! She is compromising the security of us and our child all because she has feelings for someone. UGH. Why must people be so driven by their emotions all the time?!”   
“Like you?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.  
“Yes, just like me. It is infuriating.” I collapsed onto the couch, “I am fucking exhausted and he was the last person I wanted to see today. I wanted to see you and Olivia and just be happy. But I am never allowed to be happy for more than two seconds.”  
“Don’t be like that.” He moved my legs aside so he could sit down next to me, “You always act like the martyr when you aren’t. You need to calm down and act like an adult. I’m sorry that he ruined you coming home. That does suck, but we couldn’t plan it. I told you, I’ve got people everywhere. I could kill him at a moment’s notice.”  
“We are not killing him.” I said firmly, “He has a child. Edward already is going to have to grow up with a mom, let’s not create another orphan please. You know what that’s like, babe.”  
“I do.” He affirmed quietly, “I just joke about killing him, you know.”  
“Somehow I don’t believe you.”   
“Honestly I think you would never talk to me again if I had him killed.”  
“What do you mean?”   
“I mean that you care more about him than you like to let on.” He said.  
He read me like a goddamn book. Motherfucker.  
“Yes, well, in a way I will always at least care about him, even if I hate him.” I said reluctantly.  
“You’re a woman full of contradictions, dear.” He said, kissing me.  
“So, you’re not mad at me?”  
“For what?”  
“For Pam, and for what just happened.” I elaborated.  
“What happened between you and Pam annoyed me but I understand your reasoning behind it. It kind of warmed my heart a little that you actually cared about my safety. I didn’t realize you had a heart.”  
I smacked his forearm, “Asshole. I do have a heart. Feelings are limited to the people I truly love, like you, Olivia, my sister, and Pam. I don’t have room or time to care about other people.”  
He smiled, “I remember a time when you wouldn’t even say you liked me.”  
“Well, we’re far from that now and just deal with it, mister.” I said, flustered.  
I’m glad he understood that I was emotionally stunted and didn’t penalize me for it. He kissed me, and said, “In Harley speak, that means you love me.”  
“Yes.” I affirmed, standing up, “I am going to take a nap now. I am so jetlagged it’s unbelievable.”  
“You do that.”   
“Thanks babe.” I said, trudging wearily up the stairs and flopping down on our king-size bed. I passed out almost immediately and woke up about 3 hours later when the sun was starting to set.  
When I came back down the stairs, he was watching television, Olivia playing with some of her blocks on the ground. I knelt down beside her, and she stared up at me, almost a little puzzled. I didn’t think she forgot me, but it looked like it. Babies aren’t very good with short-term memory. I put her in my lap, and gave her blocks and she made some strange gurgling sound and threw it.  
“She’s feisty. I like that.” I said, smiling up at him.  
“She gets that from you.”  
“I think that’s a mutual trait.”   
“Agreed.” He fell silent for a moment.  
“Is something wrong?” I asked.  
“Well, um…you’re not going to like this but Bruce called while you were asleep.”   
He saw the fierce look cross my face and added, “He said he knew you wouldn’t want to talk to him, but if you could call him back, it would be nice. He said it was important.”  
“He might as well ruin my whole day.” I sighed, setting Olivia back down on the carpet. I went into the kitchen and looked at the note the Joker left for me with Bruce’s hotel number on it. I dialed and some Italian woman answered, “Pronto, Hotel Venezia.”   
“Room 625, Bruce Wayne.” I said.  
“Si, signora.” She put me through and the phone rang a couple times.  
Bruce picked up, “Pronto?”  
“Oh, you’re Italian now.” I remarked.  
“Harley.”  
“The one and only.”  
“I didn’t think you would call me back.”   
“Well, you are claiming that it’s very important and as you know, I am a sucker for punishment. What’s up?” I leaned against on our kitchen island.   
“I wanted to tell you that I’m going back to New York. Edward, too.”   
“Why?” I was stunned. I didn’t think he’d want to go back there.  
“Selina wanted to come here and I wanted to go where she was happy, but I can’t be in a place where we tried to make our life. I just wanted to tell you that I would be out of your hair for good. Unless you’re planning on going to New York in the near future.”  
“I may, to visit Pam.” I admitted, “I’m a little surprised, really, but if you’re not happy, then go. You still have people there.”  
“Yeah, I think Alfred might want to come out of retirement.” He laughed.  
I laughed half-heartedly, “I bet he’s been golfing a lot. I don’t know if you want to take that away from him.”  
“Nah, he loves Eddie. He wants to do something, so full-time babysitter would give him something to do.” He said.  
I felt weird being all congenial with him, considering we had fought a few hours ago.   
“Well, um, I guess give me a call when you’re in New York next.” Bruce added awkwardly.  
“Yeah, yeah, I could do that.” I said. We both knew it was an empty promise. We would never do that. Why would we?  
“I’ll let you go. I have to catch the flight in like an hour and a half and I’m running late. I got the last seat.”  
“Ok, go. Good luck, Bruce.”   
“Thank you. Goodbye, Harley.”  
“Bye.” We hung up.  
I sat there for a moment, trying to process what had just happened. Bruce Wayne, back in Gotham. To do who knows what. That place was forever haunted by our memories together, and now when I go back again, it would still be. I thought I had left that ghost behind, but I guess I just couldn’t. I tried to shake it off and walked back into the living room.  
“What was that about?” the Joker asked.  
“Bruce is going back to New York.”   
His eyes widened, “Really?”   
“Yup,” I replied, “He said he’s not happy here.”   
“That’s depressing.”   
“Yeah, I guess. He said he’d rather be there and if that’s what he wants, then good for him.” I shrugged, “I didn’t really know what to say.”  
“You don’t need to say anything to him. He jerked your emotions around so much; I’m glad he’s going back there. At least we won’t have to see him anymore.”   
I sighed, “I really hope not. He said I should call him if I was in New York, but we both know that’s not going to happen.”  
“Obviously not.” He put his arm around me, “I’m glad that you’re alright. I don’t think I tell you enough that I am so happy you’re with me.”  
“You don’t need to tell me. I do know.” I said, but I wasn’t really thinking it fondly. I don’t know why, but it made me feel kind of claustrophobic to hear those words. I felt like bugs were crawling under my skin. All I know is that it didn’t make me feel good. That disturbed me.  
“Well, let’s not talk about that right now. Tell me about your trip while I make dinner.” He said, picking up Olivia, “Can you get her high chair stuff ready?”  
“Sure.” I said, and went into the kitchen. When I had set up the chair and put some of her little toys on it for her to play with during dinner, I felt myself grip the edge of chair, my knuckles turning white. I felt so completely over this. I don’t know if it was the fact that I had come back from a week being on my own, but suddenly being a mother felt very strange. This whole Italy thing felt like we were playing house, pretending we were normal. It wasn’t right. We were never free from our past, and neither was our daughter. I felt sick. I felt like I was choking down this life like a bad pill, trying to cure my pain with a false sense of reality.   
I wanted to run. But I couldn’t run.  
And the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we love…  
And if you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all?   
My eyes had been closed this whole time and I had wanted to be blind. I wanted to believe that we could be normal, that we could be the people we had always imagined being. I wanted that picket fence, that home that wasn’t broken, the life of a…for a lack of a better word, a princess. When I was young, I felt that I deserved nothing less than that. But I let myself go. I let go of all the insecurities, all the neuroses, all the common sense I had to be with this man. I became someone else. I was happy with that someone else, that alter ego. She was someone I was proud of, someone that empowered me. But I could never be her again, living here in this house of stifling domesticity. Why did I think that this was ok? Why did I think that was what I wanted? I felt his eyes on me.  
“Are you alright?”   
“Fine.” I said, putting on a smile.  
He started putting water in the pot, ready to boil. I watched it bubble and rage, and felt my own blood pulsing in my ears.   
“You seem kind of out of it.” He commented.  
“Planes do that.” I said, putting Olivia in her chair, handing her a little bird toy that made obnoxious noises when she shook it. I hated that fucking thing.   
Why am I such an awful person? Why was I rejecting this life? It was what anyone would want. Was I broken? Did I not have the right programming like everyone else in this world? I used to do what I was told, what my parents thought was best. After years of being restrained, I wouldn’t do that anymore. I went away from them and from their rules. I was independent. I was strong. I pursued my life choices no matter who said they weren’t realistic or I couldn’t do it. I didn’t settle. Except for now. I got pushed into a life I didn’t want because I had to be stable. I broke my rules. I let my feelings get in the way.   
But, at the same time, my feelings sometimes steered me wrong. I picked John and I was going to marry him. He had been what I wanted. When the Joker shot him down that day, he broke my heart. He broke my spirit. I left a part of me with John in his fiery grave. He burned down what was left of Harleen Quinzel. After that day, I never thought anyone would love me that way again. I thought that that life would no longer be an option for me. Ever since then, the idea that I would have to commit to someone terrified me. It meant that I was going to have to lose a part of myself, the part of me I wanted to cling to most. I didn’t want anyone to ever tell me what to do again. I let my guard down with Bruce. I loved him and that was my mistake. I let my feelings get in the way of my reason, and I broke his heart.   
I will never love the Joker like I loved Bruce. I won’t love him like I loved John. I accepted that. What I loved about the Joker was that he meant freedom, he meant losing the inhibitions I had held onto since I was a gawky teenager with frizzy hair and braces. Losing my fears. Becoming someone that I was proud of, someone that was driven, confident, beautiful and deadly.   
Now he was boring. He wasn’t him anymore. He didn’t have a mask. He had a tan. HE WENT RUNNING, FOR GOD’S SAKE. HE MADE ME PASTA. He wanted to be normal. We had settled down too soon. We had years left to be wild and he took them away from me. He made me boring. He had made me a mother so that I couldn’t be free anymore. I loved Olivia more than words could say, but love sometimes can be the chains that bind.   
What was I going to do now?   
I wanted to run, but I was frozen to the spot.   
What the hell was I going to do now?  
And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?


	14. Do What You Want

Chapter 14: Do What You Want

Sometimes I’m scared I suppose  
If you ever let me go, I would fall apart  
If you break my heart  
So just take my body and don’t stop the party  
Do what you want with my body  
\- “Do What You Want”, Lady Gaga feat. R. Kelly 

Two weeks had passed since Harley came to New York. We had talked a couple times, but it was kind of awkward. We were starting to get back to normal but I was having a hard time forgiving her for what she had said about me. I knew that she wasn’t exactly wrong, but it was still not appropriate of her to point it out. I knew I was kind of a hot mess when it came to relationships but I mean, I wasn’t a complete disaster. I at least had somewhat normal relationships while most of hers had been completely dysfunctional and that was putting it lightly. She needed a good hard slap in the face, but I didn’t want to be the one to give it to her. I knew she would figure it out soon. She was a smart girl.  
I was mostly hanging out with Barbara and we had become almost inseparable. The only times we weren’t together was when she was in class or working, but we tried to at least be together for a couple hours a day. I was blissfully happy.   
One Saturday afternoon, Barb and I were going out to get a later lunch and get some shopping done. We were checking out some dresses at Barney’s because Barb had invited me to this dinner party that all of her PhD friends were having to celebrate the end of the school year. I had met a few of them here and there but I was excited and kind of nervous to meet the rest because she spent a lot of time with them and they knew her very well.  
“Do you think black is too…sad?” Barb asked, holding up a black halter dress with a diagonal white stripe, “It’s also May.”  
“Black is never a bad idea.” I countered, “But maybe something a little more fun.”  
“Fair point.” She put it back and searched through the racks. Finally she held up a floral patterned strapless dress, “Too obvious?”  
“Maybe just obvious enough.”   
“I’ll give it a shot.” She said, throwing it over her arm, “You find anything?”  
She looked at the stack of various shades of green in my hands and raised her eyebrow, “Could you possibly try another color?”  
“I know what works.” I shrugged helplessly.  
“Can you at least do yellow, or maybe another color with green, like pink and green?” she pointed at a dress that matched that description.  
“Are you implying that my wardrobe is boring?” I asked, putting my hands on my hips.  
“No, just saying that you would look beautiful in other colors, too, and you should embrace it.”  
“I wear blue jeans.”  
“Jeans are a neutral. That doesn’t count.”   
I rolled my eyes but took the dress, “Fine.”  
After we tried on some dresses and had made our choices – the pink and green one ended up being phenomenal and she was going to rub that in my face all afternoon – and she said as we were going down the escalator, “Ah, shit.”  
“What?”  
“I promised my mom I would pick up this tie that she saw here for my dad. His birthday is coming up and she doesn’t always come into this part of the city.”  
“Well, we might as well get it.” I said, and we got off on the men’s floor.   
I was mostly just following her until she could find the tie her mom wanted. We were scouring the racks when a voice said, “Pam?”  
I looked up and saw Bruce Wayne standing there…with Dick Grayson in tow.   
I tapped Barb on the shoulder and she flushed, “Oh, hi guys.”  
“Hi,” Dick said, barely even looking at me. Way to be mature. Except, well, he could only be as mature as an early 20’s person could be. I had no idea what Barb had seen in him.   
“Bruce,” I said, “You’re…here?”   
“Yes, I am.” He replied, “I came back a few weeks ago.”   
“Why?”   
“Complicated. Selina…” he made the cut-throat sign. He didn’t need to say more.  
“Right.” I bit my lip. Typical Selina, always out for herself, “I’m sorry.”  
“It’s fine.” He said dismissively, “No reason for you to apologize. We both got fucked in that regard.”  
“You’re telling me.” I rolled my eyes, “Edward is with you, then?”  
“Yeah, my butler Alfred has him right now, but you should stop by and say hello. I’m sure he’d be thrilled to see you.”  
“I doubt he remembers me.” I demurred, “I don’t want to confuse him.” What I meant to say was that if I saw him, it would completely shatter me.  
Barb sensed my discomfort and grabbed my hand protectively. I smiled at her.  
“Well, it’s totally up to you but feel free to ask if you want to see him. I don’t want to deprive you of that.” Bruce assured me.  
“That’s really sweet of you, and I will take you up on the offer soon, if you insist.” I said, “Did, uh…you tell Harley you came back?”  
“Yeah, I did. She was actually pretty supportive of it, to be honest.”   
I raised an eyebrow, “Harleen Quinzel? The same Harley?”  
He chuckled, “Yes. We had a heart-to-heart talk about it.”  
“Ah,” I said simply. I was puzzled. I talked to Harley not 3 days ago and she didn’t even mention it. Somehow I don’t think she would forget to tell me. Well, she was going to get called out next time I talked to her. Last time we talked though, she seemed very preoccupied…  
“So, what are you guys up to?” Bruce asked.  
“Just doing a little shopping.” Barb piped up, “I’ve got a big end of semester party to go to. We all start our dissertations in the fall.” She mimed shooting herself in the head, “Super fun!”  
“Wow, already? It feels like you just started your PhD. What are you writing it on?” Bruce inquired, and Barb began her spiel about the topic of her dissertation that, even though she had told me at least 12 times, I still couldn’t even begin to understand. Something intertextuality and use of metaphor in la da la etc. Books. Something like that? I just told her I would be there for her when she needed someone to vent to. That’s my role here.   
As Barb chatted with Bruce, I noticed that their body language seemed so…comfortable, familiar. She never mentioned that they even really knew each other. I mean, I assumed they had met when she and Dick were together, but not this friendly. It’s not that I was jealous or anything – why would I be, he has a penis and she isn’t into that anymore – but I was still a little taken aback. Meanwhile, I exchanged a couple of glances with Dick, who seemed incredibly uninterested in not talking to me. Prick.  
“So, how are you?” I asked him.  
“Can’t complain.”  
What a real conversationalist.  
“Still working for Wayne Enterprises?”   
“Yeah, I’m in sales now. Got promoted about a month ago.” He replied.  
“Oh, great! Do you like it?” I feigned cheerfulness. Not a good look on me, I promise.  
“It’s alright. I’m getting used to it. They say younger people are better at sales because we seem more trustworthy or something.” He shrugged, and tapped Bruce on the arm, “Hey, we need to get back to work. It’s almost 3:30.”  
“Oh, shit, is it really?” Bruce looked at his shiny Rolex, “I’m sorry guys, we do really have to run. We have a big party tonight, celebrating my return to Wayne Enterprises. Hey! You should come. Seriously. Lots of alcohol, all for free.”  
Barb and I exchanged a look and Barb said, “Yeah, we’ll definitely try to stop by. Where is it?”  
“At my house. I’ll tell my doorman you’re on the list. Barb, invite your parents, too, if they can.”   
“Yeah, for sure.” Barb said, and we waved as they hurried down the escalator.  
I looked at her, “Your parents?”   
“Yeah, my dad and Bruce get along pretty well. I don’t know how they know each other, but they talk sometimes.” She bit her lip, “Is this going to be a problem? I don’t have to invite my parents to the party tonight if you don’t want to meet them so soon. I was thinking you wouldn’t meet them until maybe the summer.”  
“Honestly, it’s up to you. You don’t have to introduce me as your girlfriend or anything. We can be ‘friends’ until we figure things out.” I said, shifting uncomfortably. I wasn’t exactly that concerned about the fact that we would meet her parents, it was about the fact that Commissioner Gordon had my face posted on some wall somewhere with the huge bold word WANTED above it. I would have to disguise myself a little, maybe do my hair differently and wear my glasses. That might throw off suspicion. Or I could tell Barb who I really was. I didn’t know what was the lesser of two evils.   
She grabbed my shoulders, “Babe, you are my girlfriend. My parents will have to accept that. Don’t even worry one bit. They will love you. I mean, who knows if they can even go? Let me give them a call.” She pulled out her phone and called her mom, “Yeah, Ma? What are you guys up to tonight? …oh, nothing? Well, Mr. Bruce Wayne has invited us to some swanky party at his mansion. …yeah, yeah, I think around 8, 8:30…well, tell Dad he needs a night off once in a while. Bruce wants to see him…mhm, well, you can find something to wear, Ma…”   
She looked at me and rolled her eyes and I forced a chuckle, “Yeah, yeah, Ma…I don’t know, probably a nice dress I guess…alright, well, I’ll see you guys there later then. Text me. Ok. Ok. Bye.”  
She smiled, “They’re coming. She’s going to see if my dad can get off work but he may not be able to. Police commissioner’s job is never done, you know? I really want you to meet him, though, my dad is so awesome. My mom’s kind of a pain sometimes but I do love her. Speaking of, have you looked into tickets to Seattle yet? We’re going to need to go over the summer before I have to start doing my research.”  
“I didn’t really look yet.”   
She gave me a stern look, “Pamela…”  
“You know I’m not exactly on board with this idea.”   
“Yes, well, you’re going to have to be. I will not stand idly by while you ignore the fact that you haven’t talked to your parents in like 5 years. Unacceptable.”  
“I have a lot of reservations about it. It’s not that I don’t want to do it, believe me, but I am worried about what I would even say to them. Oh, hi, last time you saw me I was heterosexual and wasn’t a college dropout?”   
Her face fell, “Are you concerned about what they would think of you being a lesbian?”  
“They’re Episcopalian royalty, so yes I think there might be torches and pitchforks involved.” I said wryly, “I have a gay uncle so maybe they may not panic too much but I’m their daughter. Their only daughter. Me being a lesbian has been a main reason for me holding back from a relationship with them.”  
“If they love you, they will accept you. If they don’t, fuck ‘em. I mean it, fuck ‘em. They don’t deserve to have you as a daughter then.” She kissed me right on the mouth, “You’ll have me.”  
I smiled, “That does mean a lot to me.”  
“I know.” She grinned, “When we go home after this, we are booking the tickets. No excuses.”  
“Alright.” I conceded. There was literally no use arguing with Barb. She was a hurricane when she really wanted to do something.  
We finished up shopping and went back to Barb’s apartment. She put the bags down, “Woof, shopping can be hard work.”  
“Agreed.”  
“Well, um, my thoughts are in this order: sex, dinner, get dressed, party, alcohol, probably sex again. Make sense to you?” Barb wiggled her eyebrows, and I burst out laughing. Her exuberance and confidence were the most appealing things about her. She didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought of her. I admired that greatly. It was the same thing that I loved about Selina. She had that same raw sexual energy that appealed to men and women alike. But, let’s not focus on her.   
“I think that all sounds great.”   
“Fabulous.”   
…  
The time for Bruce’s party arrived and Barb and I were all dressed and ready to go; she in a flowing gold dress with a black belt, and me in my traditional emerald green halter dress. We both approved of each other’s look and went to hail a cab. When we got to Wayne Manor, it was the first time I had seen it lit up in a long time, alive; it was no longer haunted by the memories of its prior wars.   
I felt uncomfortable the whole way there; the fact that Barb didn’t know I was a criminal was eating away at my brain and I was feeling anxious. The cab dropped us off in front of Wayne Manor and we walked up the long stone path to the entrance. The flowers in the front yard were starting to bloom and the trees were full; at least the staff had been keeping it up. It would have been sad to see it go downhill. As we walked, Barb was chatting excitedly, “Wow, it’s so beautiful! I haven’t been out here in years! My dad took me to a party here when I was in high school, when he got promoted to Commissioner…hard to believe it’s been like 10 years. Oh, I used to think Bruce Wayne was SO cute – oh, sorry don’t want to insult you but it’s the truth – and you know what, it’s a funny story Pam, but I was kinda wandering around the party because I didn’t know anybody and I walked out into the back terrace and I caught him making out with some blonde woman! Actually, after that party he left for Nepal or wherever the fuck he went when he was trying to ‘find himself’, whatever that means.”  
She looked at me, “What? You’re so quiet.”  
“You said that party was 10 years ago?”   
“Yeah, why?”  
“Then that was the party when Harley and Bruce first hooked up. You saw them hooking up, Barb.”   
“Wow.” She whistled, “Why was she at that party?”  
“Their fathers were friends.”  
“Both orphans now, too. So sad. Why did they break up?” she asked.  
“Um, well, long story short, they got engaged –”  
“ENGAGED?” she stopped short, “You never told me they were engaged!”  
“Yes, well, it was a short engagement. They didn’t have a big wedding, they were just going to get married here in Wayne Manor. J - I mean, her boyfriend – interrupted the wedding and professed his undying love for her, so she left Bruce at the altar. Been with the boyfriend ever since.”   
“Holy motherfucking shit.”  
“You’re telling me. I didn’t know Harley as well then. We were…fighting at that point.”  
“Fighting? Why?”   
Should I tell her? No, that was the part I couldn’t let go of, the part I couldn’t tell anyone.   
“I wanted her to stay with Bruce but she was having second thoughts. I felt bad for Bruce because I liked him and I thought she was making a mistake. I still think she did.” Half of it was true, half of it was a lie. I’ll let you figure out which is which.  
She stared me down, “Why do you think she made a mistake? She seems happy. They have a child together.”  
“I know Harley, and that means nothing to her. She’s impulsive, indecisive, and she is completely ruled by her emotions. She is my best friend, but she made some seriously bad mistakes in her life. Bruce was willing to give her everything she wanted, but she was looking for a way to get out of it. Most of the time their mistake is wanting to marry her. She has a paralyzing fear of commitment. She can’t stand the idea of losing her independence, and that’s why she left Bruce. The guy she’s with now – he meant that she could escape. He’s not a bad guy deep down, but back then he was an extremely bad guy. He made her leave her dream job, he was emotionally abusive…but he loved her somehow. I don’t know, it’s very complicated.”   
“I didn’t realize it was like that. You might have to explain it to me at a better time.” She said as we reached the front door. She rang the doorbell.  
“And I have something I need to tell you.”   
“What?”  
“I’m not who you think I am.”  
She looked puzzled, “What are you talking about?”  
“In Gotham I’m known as Poison Ivy and right now I’m still a fugitive from the law.”  
Her mouth was agape. The front door opened and the doorman said, “What’s your name on the list, please?”  
“Pamela Isley and Barbara Gordon.” I answered, still staring at Barb.  
“Ah yes, here you are.” He checked our names off and stepped aside, “Welcome to Wayne Manor.”


	15. Friends with the Monster

Chapter 15: Friends with the Monster

Maybe I need a straightjacket, face facts  
I am nuts for real but I’m ok with that  
I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed  
Get along with the voices inside of my head  
You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath  
And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy  
\- “The Monster”, Eminem feat. Rihanna 

“Thanks,” I said, and the doorman stepped aside to let us in.  
Barbara followed me, still looking like someone had just told her that her puppy had gone missing. I regretted immediately that I had chosen this time to tell her, not so much that I had told her in general. I had pretty much sabotaged our entire evening.   
Once we got inside, Barb pulled me into the nearest available alcove, “What the hell are you talking about?”  
“I am the villainess Poison Ivy. Pamela Isley – Poison Ivy – I was a biologist. Put two and two together.” I sighed, leaning against the wall.   
“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?”   
“I was worried you’d run away. I just feel like I had to tell you before things got more serious between us. You want me to meet your parents, you want to meet my parents and fly to Seattle with me? I mean, you have to know some vital information.” I explained, “Also, I am not really Poison Ivy anymore. I haven’t committed any felonies for a couple years, not since I married Selina, really. I mostly live on the money I stole and what I got from trust fund when I was 18.”  
“I’m speechless.” She said, and was really disturbingly quiet for a few minutes.  
I meanwhile was anxiously wringing my hands, biting my nails, waiting for her answer.   
“Ok,” she exhaled deeply, and was quiet for another 30 seconds before saying, “While I am not exactly pleased with this information, I do appreciate you being honest with me before we went any further with our relationship. I also take into consideration that you are not that person anymore and this party is neither the place nor time to talk about this.”  
“Are we…ok, though? You’re not dumping me?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.  
“For now, we’re fine.” Barbara said, and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. She added, “I’m going to need more details, though.”  
“Well, of course.” I said, nodding vehemently, “Of course. I get it.”  
“Ok, well, let’s get to the party. People are going to think we’re making out or something back here.” She said, looking around the corner of the alcove.  
So she was making jokes. Good sign.  
We walked back out into the entryway, and made our way through the halls and greeted some people politely who were milling around. We got to the main ballroom where the party was in full swing. A big jazz band was playing on a stage and couples were dancing on the floor, laughing and smiling. I glanced around the room, attempting to find Bruce Wayne so we could say our hellos. We found him cavorting with some big-shot looking men in really nice suits; he saw us and waved us over. He reminded me of a kind of Jay Gatsby, pretending he was so full of life when really he was pining for some lost reality, a lost love that he could never have and made up for in material possessions. Sorry, that was a very long metaphor.  
He turned and handed us two glasses of champagne, “Enjoy, it’s the very best.”   
“Naturally.” Barb said, taking a longer swig than necessary.   
Bruce looked at me, then at Barb, and raised his eyebrows. I just shook my head dismissively, and he said, “Are you two enjoying yourselves so far? You should definitely go dance. I paid out the ass for that band.”  
“Oh, we will, for sure.” I nodded and grabbed Barbara’s hand and she shook me off.  
Bruce leaned in closer to me, “Lover’s spat?”  
“Just a little one.” I said, “Nothing to concern yourself with.”  
“Don’t worry, I’m not.” He said with a smile.  
“Don’t be a douche.” I said irritably.  
“Drink more champagne, you’ll be fine.” He said, shooing us away.  
I rolled my eyes as I turned away. Barb was already way ahead of me, pushing her way through some people.   
“Babe!” I called and she stopped in her tracks. I caught up to her, “Do we need to leave?”  
“No.” she said curtly, “I’m just…not happy right now.” She finished the glass of champagne in her hand.  
“I understand that. That’s why I’m saying we should maybe get out of here.”  
“Why? I’m having a fabulous time.”   
“Don’t get snarky on me.” Now I was pissed off, “You said you were fine for now. Can you at least pretend you’re fine? It’s a little disconcerting when you don’t act like you’re fine when you said you were.”  
“Pamela, I am clearly not fine. Whatever. I need another glass of champagne.” She said, and eyed one of the waiters walking by with a tray. She flagged him down and grabbed one, “Thanks bud.” She then chugged about half of it in a gulp. If I wasn’t so worried I would have been impressed.  
“Let’s dance.” She half-said, half-belched. She then burst out into laughter, and I couldn’t help but laugh too. She grabbed my hand and we were slow-dancing to a quiet jazz piece. We were silent for a while, just being with each other, and I didn’t want to ruin it by saying anything.  
“May I cut in?” asked a voice. We both turned to see Dick Grayson standing there, looking pretty handsome in a dark gray suit with navy blue tie.   
“Fuck off.” Barb snapped.  
“Hostile.” He remarked.  
“Hostile doesn’t even begin to cover it.” Barb turned away from him, burying her head into my shoulder, “I feel like I’m going to puke.”  
“Well, please don’t puke on my dress.” I retorted, and she chuckled.  
“Dick, I think you should move on, find some pretty young thing to take your bullshit.” I fired at him, “I don’t think she wants to talk to you.”  
“I need another champagne.” Barb groaned.  
“No you don’t.” I retorted.  
“Is she drunk?” he asked.  
“What was your first clue, Einstein?” I snapped, “Why are you still here?”  
“I’m going to be sick!” Barb announced and then bolted from the room, which left me with the ass-face ex-boyfriend.  
Dick’s lips formed a thin line, “I wouldn’t trust her, you know. She’s a cold-hearted bitch and she’ll leave you at the slightest temptation. Especially knowing what you are.”  
“What do you mean?”   
“Criminal. Fugitive. Freak. Whatever you want to call it. Now she knows and she’ll run. She’s on the side of good and she always will be. She’ll never love you, no matter what you think.”  
My blood was boiling. I wanted to punch him so hard in the nuts his ancestors would cry, but I stood there feeling completely helpless, frozen in rage.   
“I think you should get the fuck away from me.” I finally said.  
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He sneered, and coolly walked away into the crowd.   
That little piece of shit. He was just jealous. He wanted Barb back and he thought the best way to do that was to get me to leave. Fat chance, motherfucker. I’m nothing if not the stubbornest bitch you’ll ever meet. I scuttled off the dance floor to find Barb, checking the plethora of bathrooms on the first floor – Jesus Christ, who needs 5 and a half bathrooms on one floor of the house?! – and finally found her by the sound of vomiting. I knocked on the door, “Barb?”  
“Pam?” she called weakly.  
I opened the door slightly and saw her crouched by the porcelain throne, looking haggard and miserable, “I hate to ask, but are you ok?”  
“Yeah, I feel better now I guess.” She admitted, “I can’t believe Dick had to do that. He’s such a…well, a dick.”  
“Agreed.” I decided not to tell her about what he said. It wasn’t worth it. He was just angry and people say the absolute worst things when they’re angry. I would know.   
“I think maybe we should go.” Barb said, shakily standing up.  
“That’s a good idea.” I said, helping her steady herself, “But what about your mom and dad? We didn’t see them.”  
“It’s not a big deal. I already texted my mom and told her that I was sick and I never went to the party. She’ll never know.” She shrugged, “I feel bad that you didn’t get to meet them, though.”  
“It’s alright. We can do it another time, maybe after we talk some of this over.” I said, and we walked to the front door. The doorman raised an eyebrow, “Leaving so soon?”  
“She’s not feeling well.” I glanced at Barb, “As you can see.”  
“Feel better, ma’am.” He said and opened the door for us.   
We walked out into the front yard and found an open bench. I still had to call a cab, so we were going to have to wait a while. While Barb sat, head in her hands, I called a cab to pick us up. After I hung up, I sat down next to her, stroking her hair silently. I didn’t want her to get more upset than she already was.   
“I’m sorry for acting like this.” She sniffled, “I don’t get drunk like this very often.”  
“It’s fine. You don’t need to be sorry.” I said soothingly, “I kind of dropped a bomb on you.”   
“Yeah, true.” She admitted, “What was that about? Why did you choose now to tell me about this?”  
“I’m not sure. It just felt like I had to at that moment. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I couldn’t keep hiding something from you because I really care about you.”   
She held my hand, “I really care about you, too, Pam. Why didn’t you just tell me at the beginning?”  
“I don’t really have a solid answer for that, to be honest. I think I just wanted to make sure we were going to go the distance before I told you something like that. Selina already knew what I was when we started dating but this was different. Especially once you told me about your father being police commissioner, I didn’t know what to do. I felt that if you knew, you could either break it off or we could figure out what to do from here.”   
“Ok…” she said, and fell silent for a moment or two, “Um…I guess you being a former criminal does sort of put a damper on things in that regard. But, on the other hand, my father doesn’t necessarily need to know that you were. To me, as long as that’s what who you are anymore, it doesn’t affect me. No one needs to know except you and me. Or, I assume Harley maybe knows?”  
“Yeah, she does.”   
“Hmm.” She sighed, “Yeah, I figured.”   
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do, Barb. I couldn’t lie to you anymore. Well, I mean, I was lying by omission I guess. I…I love you.” I hastily blurted.  
She stared at me for a long moment. I tried to read her eyes but they were still cloudy from being a little smashed from champagne.  
She said, “Pam, I think you’re great. I feel strong feelings for you, but I don’t know if I’m ready to say I love you yet.”  
“That’s ok.” I felt a little deflated, but I didn’t blame her. This night was full of bad timing on my part. I felt bad for even bringing any of this shit up.  
She squeezed my hand, “I’m sorry that I can’t say it yet.”  
“It’s totally fine.” I said, shaking my head vehemently, “There’s no pressure at all. Love is something that has to come naturally.”  
“Agreed.” She said, smiling.  
I looked out at the street, “Oh, the cab’s here!”  
“Oh, good, thank God.” She said, getting up a little unsteadily.  
We walked to the cab and got in. I turned to her, “Two addresses or one tonight?”  
“Um, two. I really don’t want you to see me throw up more.” She laughed, “And I think I just need to sleep this off. Is that ok?”  
“Yeah, that’s perfectly fine.” I said. I wanted to do anything to get her to look happy again, to see her actually smile at me without regret.   
We chatted in the cab until it dropped her off first, and she kissed me on the cheek as she left, “I’ll call you tomorrow when I get up.”  
“Great.” I said, and she closed the door, bounding up the stairs to her apartment. She waved me goodbye and the cab pulled away.  
He dropped me off at my place another 10 minutes later and I walked heavy-footed to the elevator and off into my apartment. I felt like collapsing, I was so emotionally exhausted from what had happened this evening. I knew I just had to go to bed and things would be better in the morning. I wanted to call Harley, talk to her about what I had just done, but I knew she would probably scream at me and tell me I was fucking stupid for telling Barb about me. I changed into pajamas and face-planted into my bed, falling asleep almost instantly.  
…  
I awoke to the sound of pounding fists on my door. I got up groggily, wondering who could possibly be knocking on my door at like 7 in the morning. I thought fleetingly that it could be Barb, awake and angrier, and almost groaned outwardly.   
The pounding got louder as I got closer and the voices yelled, “Gotham Police department, open up!”  
My blood ran cold. No. It couldn’t be. I had to be dreaming right now. No. Seriously. Oh God. No.   
The door slammed open and three cops were standing there.  
“Are you Pamela Isley?” one of them asked.  
“Yes.” I barely even heard my voice say, my blood pounding in my ears.  
“You’re under arrest for various crimes against the city of Gotham, all if not limited to larceny, petty theft, grand larceny, poisoning of government officials, poisoning of water supply…” he started listing off my history, all my indiscretions as one of the cops handcuffed me.   
I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But I could do nothing. I just let them take me away, knowing all the while that I had been betrayed. I was a fucking fool. Dick warned me. I didn’t listen. Barbara was a fucking traitor all along. And now I was going to rot because of her. Dear God, what the fuck have I done?  
They put me in the police car parked outside of my building. I looked down at the floor the whole time they were hauling me through the lobby. I didn’t want to face the people that saw me every day. I couldn’t even meet them in the eye. I was ashamed of myself, of how goddamn stupid I was. I deserved this. I really did. The car sped off toward the station, and I couldn’t even look out the window. I didn’t want to remember how the world looked at this moment. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to have to think about what I was going to miss.   
They put me through the whole rigmarole, fingerprints, pictures, whatever else. It all felt like a blur after it was over. I was soon in an orange jumpsuit, sitting in a cell with some lady who smelled like cheese. I was really super excited about that.   
I put my hands on the cell bars, feeling the cold rest against my skin. Ugh. Kill me now.   
After a couple of hours of sitting there, getting freaked out that my life was now going to be Orange is the New Black – hey, I mean, at least I was already a lesbian – a police officer finally came up to my cell.   
“Isley?” he asked.  
I looked up, “Yes?”  
“We need to bring you in for some questioning.”   
“Alright.” I stood up and he opened the door for me.  
I followed him down the hall to a very stark-looking room with just two chairs and a table in it. I walked into the room and sat on one of the chairs, fidgeting anxiously and waiting for someone to talk to me. There was a lot of bustling around and finally the door opened. Much to my horror, it was Barb.   
I stiffened, “Haven’t I been humiliated enough?”  
She sat down across from me, “I had to come talk to you and explain myself.”  
“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. You completely betrayed me. I want nothing from you.”  
“Understandably.” She admitted.  
“You’re a cunt.” I spat.  
She cringed a little, “Harsh.”  
“I don’t use that word lightly. But believe me when I say it.”   
“Let me at least tell you the truth. I can sleep easier at night if I do.”  
“I’d prefer you didn’t sleep easy, to be honest.” I snapped.  
“I get that.” She sighed, and said, “Jesus, where do I even begin? I am not who you think I am, either. Yes, my name is Barbara Gordon. Yes, my father is Commissioner Gordon and I do have my PhD in Library Science. I finished it a year ago. I started working here, doing filing and cataloging all the criminal profiles for my dad. I started gaining interest in the criminal justice field and I was helping my dad track down some of Gotham’s notorious criminals.”  
“And that’s how you got to me?”  
“No, not exactly. I have another thing I have to admit to you before I continue. I also am not exactly bisexual. I kinda was in college, but it didn’t go very far. I also am still dating Dick Grayson.”  
I balled my fists. Of course she was. I should have figured that out when he kept acting so weird around us. It was all a cover.  
“When I started dating him, I found out pretty quickly about him being Robin and Bruce Wayne being Batman. I joined their operation. I became Batgirl.”  
“Original.” I remarked. Even though I was beaten down, I was still full of snark when I needed to be.  
“Yes, well, that’s what happened. I worked with them. I found out about Bruce’s relationship with Harley, her affiliation with you, the whole shebang. My father was having a hell of a time tracking you down, but obviously that’s because you moved out to shit-stain Wyoming with your little wifey and the child. No wonder. Then, lo and behold, you returned to New York. I saw you in that bar that night and took my chance. I figured when you were without Selina you must have been vulnerable and you were also pretty drunk.”  
“This is all sounding so much better by the minute.” I was resisting the urge to cry, to scream, to do anything at all but sit there and take this like I was doing.   
“I’m sorry. I really don’t expect you to forgive me. See, then things got better. You trusted me. You let me in. You even brought me Harley, right to my face. Really, Pam, really? No wonder Harley was so pissed at you. She’s much smarter than you. She doesn’t let her feelings rule her head. I can tell that about her. Anyway, I had to let her go for the moment, but at least I knew where she was. We had been trying to find them for years. I haven’t told my father yet about them, but Bruce did his own work in that regard. Unfortunately he has such a soft spot for her. He doesn’t want to turn them in just yet, and he won’t let me tell my father until he gives me the go-ahead.” She frowned, “Bruce can be extremely short-sighted.”  
“Get to the point.”  
“Ok, ok. So, I was waiting for you to admit that you were Poison Ivy to me. I couldn’t bring you in unless I had evidence. Then you did it at the party and you fell right into my trap.”  
“Yeah, I get that part but what about your reaction at the party? You were really drunk and throwing up. You were actually upset. No one can fake that.” I pointed out.  
“That’s fair.” She said, “Um, well, without going into too much detail, I was fighting with Dick that night about this whole undercover thing. He told me he wanted me to stop soon because he couldn’t take seeing me with someone else and so I was pissed off at him and I got drunk. I messed up that night. That was not how the night was supposed to go.”   
“Ah.” I said shortly, “So you turned me in?”  
“Yes.” She replied, “I know you’re never going to forgive me.”  
“Nope.”   
“Ok. Well, since I did this to you, I finagled you a couple extra amenities. You can have a phone call to anyone you’d like and you’ll also get your own cell after you’re done.”  
“Oh, I so appreciate that.” I said dryly.  
“It’s the best I can do.” She stood up, “Well, I’m going to get the guard and take you to the calling booth. You have 10 minutes.”  
“Ok.” I waited for the guard to come in. I was so exhausted I didn’t even feel like fighting. I was beyond upset over this situation. I had to think of someone to call. Not my parents. Yeah, right. I’m sure that they’d love that the first time they hear from me in 5 years is me calling from prison. Fantastic.   
The guard took me to the phone, and I dialed Harley’s cell number. Even though she was in Italy, I could at least just tell her what was going on. I didn’t know how much she could do for me, but I had no one else. Pathetic.  
I dialed the number and impatiently awaited her answer.


	16. A Troubled Track

Chapter 16: A Troubled Track

You went back to what you knew  
So far removed from all that we went through  
And I tread a troubled track  
My odds are stacked  
I’ll go back to black.  
\- “Back to Black”, Amy Winehouse 

I looked down at my phone. Pam calling. Was I willing to answer, to tell her what had happened? I guess I would have to.  
“Who is it?” my sister asked. She was pulling her hair up into a ponytail, about ready to leave for her late shift at the hospital.  
“Pam.” I said.  
“You’d better answer.” She said, disappearing.  
I picked up, “Hello?”   
“Harley? I’m in trouble.” Pam’s voice immediately started shaking.  
I straightened, alert, “What’s wrong? What happened?”  
“I can’t tell you the whole story now, but I’m in jail.”   
“You’re what?!” I nearly shrieked. Pam could not be in jail. This had to be some kind of joke. She can’t be. She’ll never get out.  
“Yes, well, as I said, I don’t have much time to explain. You have to get to New York and help me. I know it’s going to take a while because you’re so far away, but…”  
“Yeah.” I said, feeling like my own voice was far away.  
“What’s wrong with you? You sound weird.”   
“I’m um…long story short, I am not in Italy.”  
“You’re not? Where are you? Are you on vacation?” she asked.  
“No.”   
“Well, Jesus Christ, Harley, I don’t have a lot of time. Tell me what the fuck is going on.”  
“I’m with my sister in Nebraska.” I finally said.  
“Oh, well, that’s ok. Did she need you for more wedding stuff? At least you can get to New York faster then, right?”  
“Yeah, yeah, definitely. Look, Pam, I’m going to get there as soon as I possibly can. I have to get some flights and some money put together but I’ll make it. I don’t know how long it’s going to take.” I stammered, “Just…I don’t know, just stay alive. Be ok when I get there. Stay strong.”  
“I have no other choice. Don’t take too long. I’m going to need a lawyer.”   
“Oh, I know. I’ll do some research. Am I going to be able to call you there?” I asked.  
Her voice was muffled, “Is my friend going to be able to reach me here?”  
“She has to call the commissioner’s desk.” The voice responded.  
“Did you hear that?” she came back on the line.  
“Yes, yes, ok. I will call. I don’t care what it takes.”   
“Harley, you have to do something for me.” She said urgently.  
“Anything.”  
“Will you…call my parents for me?”   
“Your parents?” I repeated. The words didn’t make sense to me. Pam just didn’t have parents in my mind.  
“Yes. Do you have a piece of paper? I’ll give you my mom’s cell. She’ll be nicer to you than my dad. Would you call them and see if they can help you get the lawyer? They have the money. I don’t know if they’ll help me, but you have to try to convince them.”   
“I can do that.” I wrote down the number.  
“Ok, I have to go. Call Gotham women’s correctional and tell them you must speak to me. Don’t give them a choice. Call Jay if you have to.”   
“Ok.” I said.   
“I’m sorry that this is happening. I don’t know what else to do. Help me. Dear God. Help me.” Pam said, and hung up.  
I put the phone down. My sister was standing there when I looked up.  
“What’s going on?” she walked over to me, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”  
“Pam’s fucked. She’s been arrested. She’s going to go to jail for life if I don’t get her a good lawyer.” I put my head in my hands, “God, as if I didn’t have enough to deal with right now.”  
“Don’t do that to yourself.” She grabbed my hand, “You’re going to make it through this. I told you I’d be here for you every step of the way. If that step means helping her, then we will help her. You’re not going through this alone.”  
“I know.” I wiped the tears from my eyes, “What I don’t know is if you realize what kind of trouble you’re getting yourself into. He could come here any day.”  
“He doesn’t know where you are.” Maggie sighed, “Has he even called?”  
“Why would he? I barely even left a note. He’s probably beyond furious.”   
“Does he realize that you’ve gone? That you’re not planning on coming back?”   
“I think he has and I’m sure that’s why he hasn’t called. I don’t think he’s going to forgive me this time, Maggie.” I stared out the kitchen window at the open field behind her and Ryan’s townhouse. The openness was stifling. I knew I made the right decision but I felt lost.  
“Well, I have to go to work. When Ryan comes home, he can maybe talk you through what to do. He has a friend who’s a lawyer. Maybe we could get you in contact with him.”   
“Yeah, that would be good.” I said, hollow.   
“Are you going to be ok?” she stood up, gathering her purse and coat.  
“Yeah, I just need some time to think.”   
“Ok. Well, call me at the hospital if you need anything.” And she was gone.   
I sat there at the kitchen table, dumbfounded. I wasn’t expecting this. Pam was supposed to be the least of my worries. She had her shit together, or at least I thought so. And me? Jesus Christ, me.  
I had no boyfriend, I had no child. I left them. I didn’t know if I was ever going to see them again. I had made my choice. I still had the question lingering in my mind: what the hell was I going to do now? 

I know I’m a liar  
If she ever tries to fucking leave again  
I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire  
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts  
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie.


End file.
